Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
Sickness is fun for everyone...
Bah. Now I can’t sleep. Been up since 6:30.
Got as far as the bus stop on Sunday but collapsed into a coughing fit so came home. Spent the rest of the day feeling shitty on the sofa. Phoned NHS direct that evening - they phoned back 6 hours later (2:30am) - by this point I’d already decided there was no way I’d make it to work yesterday.
So I got up earlyish and went to the walk-in surgery at Whitechapel. Filled in some forms and got subjected to 3 hours of daytime television and people swearing about how long it was all taking. Wasn’t really very with it, forgot to tell the doctor how I have no energy at all and how I’d been going to bed at 8pm every night for almost a week - d’oh. He took my temperature, which was fine. He was rubbish and told me to take 2x paracetamol 4 times a day and plenty of rest. Yeah right, like I’m gonna be allowed to rest. Stupid work.
Felt too shit to go to the Logica thing yesterday evening, felt okish in the day, but by the evening I had a really high temperature again. Bah 
Tried to go to bed early but failed to get any sleep. Am completely knackered and about to go to work again.
Cocksucking.
I might phone the dentist and get a checkup - last time I felt like this I had an abcess...
It’s now been a week since I last spoke to Chris. No reasons for him not speaking to me, just silence. Am confused.
Hope I’m feeling better in a couple of weeks, really don’t want to go to Leeds feeling like death...
...on the plus side, I’m losing shitloads of weight 
Over a stone so far!
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Urgh.
Going to buy a HD in a moment. Bleh!
Novak died again, and I’ve got fuck all else to do today so may as well...
Bought two tshirts yesterday:
and
Still very very tired, still have a temperature, still coughing (tho less now) and still waking up in a cold sweat. So might go to the doctor too in a bit and see what they have to say.
Really not looking forward to work tomorrow
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hur
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GUG21OyNNk
Made me giggle
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Woargh.
Still feel crap. Power didn’t go off overnight so maybe mogs managed to magically conjure money out of his bumcheeks or something.
Since being ill I’ve lost nearly a stone. Well, I say that, I’ve lost nearly a stone since I last weighed myself, but I was putting on weight beforehand. So, more illness for me and I’ll have my 6pack back in no time
Every day I feel less ill, but feel more tired. It’s not right. And I went to bed at 8pm again yesterday but slept really badly. The heating had been set wrong (and entirely turned off) so the flat was freezing - that probably didn’t help, but again, hot sweats, cold sweats, waking up in a soaking duvet 3 nights in a row really really isn’t nice.
I’m going to Retro tonight to get OwenHugs and bitch to him about stuff. Probably not going to stay long, definitely not going to drink. Going to try really really hard not to smoke either. I might just stay at work until he arrives then saunter down. I have plenty to do at work.
Been moved back on to the look and feel stuff. I need it to be stable as soon as possible so I can branch it and it can be tested ahead of a big client pitch (think one of the biggest telecoms providers in the US) - so it needs to be tested and perfect. Will take some doing...
Letter from HM Revenue and Customs - bailifs have been round apparently. The fun
Letter from Dan too. Am going to try and see him some time next week/weekend, I just need to work out how the hell to get to Feltham
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Blurgh
Have been coughing almost non stop for a week now. My stomach feels like it’s been doing 50 sit-ups a day. It’s really vile. If it’s still around Saturday I’ll go visit the emergency doctor in Whitechapel. Griff suggests it may be glandular fever, which is probably better than my previous idea, which was throat cancer. Lloyd suggests that rumour has it I’m dying from not having enough young boys to photograph. I mean, I know the gossip queens like talking about me and everything but surely that’s pushing things a little too far, no? Am considering getting a new camera on 1 year interest free credit thing and just making itself pay for itself over a year. Blue has some bands who’ll pay for shoots, and if Kris gets the development deal there’ll be money there too. Gonna ask jsut if I should play Blue any of his tracks as I reckon they’re easily good enough for a deal - but I’d like to see what Blue thinks. Snow! We need more! “And Scott said ‘Let there be more snow’ and there was. Just not in London”. The opposite shoulder to the one I got jabbed in hurts. It’s all wrong. Bleh. No monkey until Monday. Cocksucking arsewiping unclefucker. No, bigger snowflakes. Grr. Mumsy keeps phoning when I’m asleep. Which is all the time I’m not at work at the moment. Grr. Will phone her at lunch. Providing I ever get to work, that is. No cigarettes at all yesterday, and only one the day before. Have to get through today now. The temptation to have one at the bus stop was pretty strong though - for no discernable reason it actually stops me coughing. Bus running 15 mins late. Let’s see how late it makes me for work. Higher or lower than 15? I reckon higher. There are squishy pigs being given out at Cannon St station. By a person in a big squishy pig suit. If only mother was here... Just noticed a signpost for “St Andrew-by-the-wardrobe” by Ludgate Circus.. Don’t know why, but it struck me as funny. A lone candlestick sits in its holder in my bedroom. It was lit once, at the start of things. Now it just sits there, looking at me. Reminding me of the past. Sometimes I just sit and stare at it. Oh how I wish I could go back to the start of things - maybe do something different.
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Grr.
Still feel like shit. Going to bed now. Argh! Please give me hallucination-free dreams tonight?
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Bleh.
Went to bed at 8pm. Still feel like shit. Grr
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Still feel ill
At work. Don’t want to be. Something’s broken but my brain won’t solve it because I’ve only had about 3 hours sleep and mostly I hate the world. Bah!
someone seems to have vanished offline...not spoken to him since Saturday evening and am a little worried - hope he’s ok
More jabs at the clinic tonight. Then sleep (or an attempt at it).
Bought “chewable” (for chewable, read "chewable if you have no tastebuds") vit C in an attempt to overdose, turn yellow and remove this damn cold.
Decided to try and survive today without a fag - so haven’t had one yet. Don’t know if I’ll manage a whole day, but will see.
It’s now been over a week since my last beer
(we just ignore the small amount of vodka Friday night )
So bored of feeling like shit. So very very bored. Bored of waking up in a cold sweat, bored of coughing whenever I do. Bored of everything like that.
Made a roast pig and potato food thing last night for me an mogs, watched Christine and Twin Peaks and then had an early night. Predictably with little sleep. Grr
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Oh...
...and Andy, one of our clowns, got held at gunpoint in Jenin by Palestinian police on suspicion of being an Israeli informant.
Still, at least they apologised after finding out he was a clown...
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Argh!
So spent most of yesterday sat in with a very high temperature, all of me aching. Didn’t finish the beta, couldn’t bring myself to stare at a computer at all. Keep coughing, have been so much that every cough hurts.
Was in bed before 11. Didn’t sleep until 1. Woke up at 4:30 laying in sweat but at a normal temperature. Vile. I hate being ill.
So I start Monday morning feeling about as knackered as I did on Friday evening. Keep yawning. SO tired
Watched new Veronica and caught up on BSG too. And then watched some old MT stuff.
Just had a huge shower and still I feel like I have dried sweat all over me 
So just about to hunt for flu drugs, then Imma pray I get a seat on the bus this morning, if not I don’t know if I’ll make it to work.
Work. We’re behind schedule. Gah.
Life Fucking Sucks.
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Fuck it’s grim out there...
pretty stations, even in the rain... Cripes. Since I bought it I’ve taken 10,248 pictures with my camera, since buying it. No wonder it’s a bit ill
Trundled off to Pontoon Dock (my first trip on the new DLR bit up to City Airport - damn the stations are pretty ). Blue texted to say he’d be late, so I thought I’d just go to the end of the line, wander about a bit then come back again. Was cool 
Met him at 1:30ish and then took a load of pics around the Thames Barrier. Photos went ok I think. Hopefully Blue’ll like them. Sooo knackered tho...and it rained lots at the end so I got a bit wet which probably isn’t so good for me, bearing in mind I’m ill. Bah.
Rain stopped play, so I headed home again. Am going to go back there in the summer I think when it’s sunny. There’s a whole park and café there, it’s all lovely. So pretty.
Took a couple of selfpics too, but not sure about them. Have added one to my profile.
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sundah.
Up ahead in the distance...kent... Southend yesterday. My uncle remembered me (which was cool) and also gave us a small discount on the chips we consumed
Paul had apparently tried to visit Dad a couple of years ago and Dad hadn’t answered the door, which he thought was kinda strange. He also mentioned that last time he saw Dad was 11am one morning and he stank of beer.
Strange catching up with that side of the family.
There was a boy in the chippy who both Sunin and myself thought was hot. Wasn’t sure if he was a relative though. How wrong is that?
Walked along the pier in the rain. Wandered about reminiscing about things that used to happen. Had cinnamon donuts (MMM - though they’re 3x the price I remembered them at) from the three shells café.
Drove past my aunt’s and pastish my gran’s place. Stopped off at the biggest Tescos in the universe at Pitsea just to be nosey. And yes, it actually is the biggest Tescos in the universe. I swear they have a car sales department, they have everything else there.
dozed lots on the way back. Serious lack of sleep on Friday (feverish and having hallucinations in my sleep, really not good) had left me feeling pretty damn shite. Came back and chatted a bit to someone online. Lloyd and Sunin were hungry so after sitting in the flat for a bit we went out for an Indian. My bum is so going to hate me today.
Had a mixed grill thing with plain rice and LOTS of water.
Came back home and went straight to bed. Slept until 9am.
Woke up to find a beer tower in the livingroom.
Off to do Blue’s photos then am doing nothing all afternoon/evening cept hopefully chatting to someone a bit online...oh, and trying to finish the dick so I can put freakcity live... heh.
I might wait until I’m well again for that one though
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yay
And right now we’re off to Sarfend because we’re bored
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Whee.
Going to Leeds, first class GNER. They’d better have salmon or I’m sulking
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sod it.
gonna go to Retro for a bit as I don’t want to be sat home on my own. And some medicinal vodka might help me feel less cack and/or sleep. I’ll get on with not drinking next week
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grr.
Feel crappy. Sat in work and don’t want to be. Want to be curled up at home on the sofa watching a DVD with a certain someone. But as that’s not so likely I’ll just settle for doing it on my own I spose
Sore throat, feel dizzy, just in time for the weekend
Bleh!
Song going round and round my head - not sure why. Old song called Moon River, originally from Breakfast at Tiffanys, but covered by Morrissey. The lyrics are as follows:
Moon river
Wider than a mile
I’ll be crossing you in style
Some day
Oh, Dream maker
You heart breaker
Wherever you’re going
I’m going your way
Two drifters
Off to see the world
I’m not so sure the world
Deserves us
We’re after
The same rainbow’s end
How come it’s just around the bend?
It’s always just around the bend
Moon river
Wider than a mile
I’ll be crossing you in style
Some day
Oh, Dream maker
You heart breaker
Wherever you’re going
I’m going your way
Two drifters
Off to see the world
I’m not so sure the world
Deserves us
We’re after
The same rainbow’s end
It’s just around the bend
It’s just around the bend
It’s just around the bend
It’s just around the bend
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ahem.
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erk
I can’t sleep. I think I had too much pizza. Plus there’s a fucking dog yapping upstairs that I wish would just FUCKING DIE or something...
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Bleh.
My boji stones taken at F/4.5 - how groovy Feel crappy. Am getting a cold I think...been working too much and being too stressed
Waiting for pizza then I’m off to bed. Not sure about Retro or not tomorrow, could be another long day at work, but hey. My first MVC application seems to work pretty well so am sorta happy about that.
Things felt better today. Outside and in. Not really sure why. Suspect yesterday helped, you have to hit the bottom to get back up again. Changed my gaydar profile to be slightly less scary. Have had enough of being alone and spiky, am ready for hugs again.
Blue pics Saturday if the weather’s nice. Will also hopefully complete the beta too this weekend and launch the bugger. Bout time really...
Will take advantage of sunin being around to redesign his theme
Chatted lots to Johnny today - was nice. Always nice to know you have people looking out for you, people who care a lot, wherever they are. He’s cruising round Madrid at the moment having lots of fun, the tart.
So...earlyish night, but I have a horrific cough so I don’t know how much sleep I’ll get. Have to be in work tomorrow to wire the application front end into the session so can’t even be ill and hide. I hate the world. But I hate it less than I did yesterday.
Yesterday Salad Fingers made me smile. Yesterday was a bad day...
Took a really cool pic of my Boji Stones the other day. Thought I’d add it to my journal as it’s pretty. I love playing with f numbers on my camera
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weh.
Felt crappy yesterday. Feel a little better today. Work is still interesting, still learning more MVC stuff and how to integrate XMLC into controllers and the like. All very cool, though possibly a little scary.
Dave is waiting on availability for Leeds, we both have the time off now so looks like (hopefully) I’ll be off there next month
Had enough of London anyways. Bah humbug.
Not sure if I shall Retro or not tomorrow - no money but Sunin is here so may end up doing it anyways.
Doing pics for Blue on Saturday or Sunday, not sure which yet, guess it depends on the weather somewhat. we’re going to the Thames Barrier because it’s an amazing location for pictures.
Uploaded a load of images to flickr from the last few weeks.
Thinking about writing something to parse RSS format and allow the displaying of images/blogs other than the ones here on blog pages. So you could blog in two places, or like me, if you use flickr you can blog in text and then display the flickr one below or something...
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Mr Cynds!
I’m wallowing in self pity! You’re not meant to make me laugh so much *smirk*
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Teen angst stylee. I so need to be 12 again
+After the dust settles+ When the way we think moves, changes Running like water through a drain One after the other, pieces of what we were Flowing away like pieces of paper in the rain Standing, watching, powerless to stop Unaware of why it’s happening so fast Grasping for the pieces of the life we once had Hoping to find something that will last Silently the gap grows wider, deeper Suddenly I’ve lost you and I barely care Until I look around and see the shadows The place you once took, you’re not there Grasping at the past trying to build a future Crying with the pain of my present skin All I have left is hope and forgiveness But they’re not enough to bring you back in I taught myself not to regret anything I do But you I regret, the damage I’ve done I should have paid more attention, watched myself I should have been better, after all is said and done I am flawed, an old wound won’t heal Dealing with this made me lose focus somewhat So I’m stuck in the rain, watching you flow through my fingers I never wanted that. I never wanted that. Life comes unfurled, a new day unfolds And the realisation you hate me hits me again And all I want to do is turn back the clock But what’s done is done and only I remain The power to choose my own direction Was lost in your kiss, lost in your heart If only I could turn back time and start anew But it’s only me left now, we’re too far apart So how do I move on, where do I go? Will I ever know when my scars will break? My heart is with you, I am an empty shell I’m sorry, I made such terrible mistakes The Yiffer - 15/2/06. +35 days.
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shitty day
Too many things getting on top of me. Wish I had a solution to some of it but I don’t. Plus I’ve got a cold. Plus I’m trying to learn new stuff at work and my mind’s just not in it so I’m making stupid mistakes. Grr.
I want the sunshine back. What happened to the happy me?
Something will go right for me soon. I hope. I really do. I’ve about had enough of it all. Right now I wish I could rewind my life and start again
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Things I shall do in Leeds #1
10 May 2006
Leeds
World Premiere: Total Virgin
Premiere: Michael Nyman and writer Hanif Kureishi explore life stories and personal histories in a new multi-media work performing with London Sinfonietta www.fuseleeds.org.uk
I might just have to go
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titter
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they’re telling us we are living too long and there’ll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they’d make their minds up. John
‘Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends’, or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I’d just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s m!nge. He hasn’t seen my wife’s, so who’s had the last laugh? P, Leeds
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked ’What ‘C’ would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?’ to which I confidently replied ‘ Viewed 244 times. 3 comments. ...and who it came from made me happy Viewed 245 times. 3 comments. Viewed 241 times. 3 comments. One present. Which was sweet. One message on here, which was also sweet. No flowers, no hugs, no kisses (Well, apart from this morning) so I go to bed alone and hug my duvet and imagine it’s the person I want it to be. I know it won’t ever be them again, have known this for a while, and that makes me sad, but it means I can move on and grow in different ways.
One door shuts, another one opens.
Have decided to do no alcohol for a time. I shall probably not be out as much, unless people want to do things that don’t involve bars. I mean to use my time better - writing more, writing music, writing prose. I used to be good but I’ve lost my edge.
I should have freakcity beta launched this weekend too. Then I do www.circus2iraq.org to enhance the anti spam features and create a palestine blog. Then I do www.scottjoyce.net and Blue has said he’ll see if he can get me some clients.
All change. I need this. I need to become strong again or I am useless to those I guide.
One door shuts, another one opens.
Just got fanmail from a journal reader (!!!) asking where it’d gone. It’ll be public again soon, I just don’t feel like it right now. Still too much hurt there.
Finished watching Angels in America tonight. Not sure it’s the right thing I should be watching bearing in mind my frame of mind today but still, very very good. Al Pacino was amazing in it, as was the rest of the cast. Wasn’t your usual AIDS cliché story either which is good. Plus willies=good Viewed 296 times. 2 comments. And as we fall
We fall together
And as we die
We hold each other
Life is an illusion created by billions of sick minds. Physics tells us that observing something changes that something. So our perception of reality changes reality. Faith heals. Prayers are answered. There’s just enough proof to foster belief but not enough for fact. Us, looking at the world. We make it.
What can one man do? Pessimist says “nothing”. Optimist says “anything”. But what is the point in any of it without faith? Belief? It doesn’t matter what you believe in, just that you do. The end is not the point of the journey, the journey is. All things are connected. People shine in their own ways. It’s why I see good in everyone, because there is good in everyone.
Soaring high
On wings of fire
We touch the sky
We journey higher
We create the world around us. But so much of it is born of pain is it any wonder that it seems a harsh and unforgiving place? People are taught to be isolated, alone. Surrounded by fake friends on television that they care more about than the people close to them. Scared by the daily terror reports in the papers. Mistrusting of those in authority. Taught to have pride and to deserve respect when pride must be found and respect must be earned. We think we are better than our neighbours by virtue of just being. So we sit meekly in our boxes, losing the ability to interact. With no power. Alone, cut off from others.
Trust your feelings. Reach out with them. See others for who they really are, not for what your brainwashed prejudiced mind sees.
Feel.
We are not alone. We rise and fall together. We love, we hate, we eat, we sleep. We are not unique in how we feel even though we are trained to believe our problems outweigh everyone else’s. Everyone is connected. A shining web, joining us all to those dear to us. There is no need to feel alone because you are not alone.
In waters cool
We slide deeper
We float down
We meet the sleeper
Inside all of us there’s a willingness to be free. But it’s buried so deep it’ll never find its way out alone. Deep under the mundanity of life. Deep under the veneer of self. Id and Ego. Bad and Good. Yin and Yang. It’s in us all. If we try and be what others expect of us we are betraying ourselves.
Sparkling, you reflect all of your friends. You are nothing but chosen parts of them. You pretend they are part of you. You pretend that all the fragments make a whole person. But I know that somewhere inside is you. That’s the part that feels uneasiness. That’s the part that runs scared. That’s the part that hates. That’s the part that hurts. You can either bring yourself into the light or you can stay lost in shadow.
I choose shadow.
And in the end
It’s all lost
All that matters
/Is the road/
Viewed 225 times. 2 comments. David was 50 mins late. Fricken chasers, don’t know why I bother...he brought Mark out though and mogs and Alex were there too. Alex got scary hair. Alex is trying very hard to be Aslan I suspect.
A bit too much beer in BarCode then 79CXR for a bit more too much beer.
Went home.
This valentines day is so far a bit better than last year (Dan being evil) or the year before (James wigging out when I got him a card). Should possibly have not stayed up until 4am. Made someone smile by saying “I don’t know”. Ah well. Things change.
Work was ace. Wrote my first MVC application using our framework. And the error that happened meant it worked, not that I’d fucked anything up. And I did almost all of it on my own. Yay me!
Few distractions that I’ll not mention save to say they confirmed something I already knew. Dammit. But hey...not my fault.
Am a touch late for work. Oops. But it was fun Viewed 254 times. 2 comments. been writing stuff all day using MVC in the framework at work. Now I have to put it all together Viewed 334 times. 2 comments. 40-metre profanity spotted from space - picture
Viewed 258 times. 2 comments. I dreamt of Mrs Thatcher last night. Sat quietly at a coffee table at Liverpool St. I dreamt of hating her but pitying who she had become as she nodded her frail old head from side to side and muttered quietly to herself, words of madness. I decided, in my dream, that I hated the memory of her and that I would help her. I sense that the end is coming for her soon.
Tony is starting another war. It’s up to us to stop him. It’s up to us to not let him be involved with the US attacking yet another country. Up to us. But how?
Because if this war starts we will pay the full price this time, in the blood of our own.
Part of me wishes I could join the boys in Palestine, fuck everything here, and just try and do some good, helping the people our government oppresses. But I have commitments here, so I’ll just stick to giving them money and time. Even though I do feel useless because of it.
Novak is dying. The primary and secondary hard drives are ill. Primary has disk sector problems that keep upsetting reiserfs. The secondary only gets found by the bios every other boot. So I will be buying shiny new ones on payday I think.
Went to Owen’s yesterday to mend his PC. Jen tells me “We’ve all been telling him that it keeps dying because he shouts at it and he should just hug it” and I agreed. I took the side off, removed the graphics card and blew in the slot, put it back in and it booted fine. I pointed smugly at the screen as it booted Windows and Owen asked “what did you do?”
“I hugged it” I replied.
It’s still ill though. It reboots whenever anything to do with activeX is loaded - windows update kills it. Flash kills it. Told Owen to just use firefox but he sulked. Think he’s going to try and take the drives out of his old one and put them in Manny (which I left there for him). Watched some telly. Glad I don’t still have telly.
Left his at 8ish, got home for 9. Was feeling crappy so did some more beta freakcity - there’s now almost all the themes. Just have to do the dick (ajaxtastic) and the edit/prefs stuff. Then we’ll be done!
Lay in bed for an hour an a half, shivering, feeling crappy and wishing that I had someone to cuddle up to. Eventually drifted off to sleep and strange dreams about Thatcher and her absent marbles...
Viewed 241 times. 2 comments. Viewed 310 times. 8 comments. A friend of mine is leaving for Palestine soon. Some other of his friends are already there. I’m worried though. He’s not been the same since his gf split with him and I really think he’s going because he can’t bear to be here any more. He’s going out there to help children, as part of the circus, but I don’t know if he’s actually going to not just have a deathwish or something when he gets there. Makes me sad Viewed 325 times. Viewed 227 times. Bleh. I hate the 10th. It reminds me that I met Chris on this date two months ago. And now I’m regretting it. Now I’m thinking maybe I just don’t ever want to see him again. I even thought about deleting him from the site just so I didn’t accidentally find his pic on here again. But I behaved.
Found out who the valentines present was from. Managed to upset him by being upset about it all. Bah Viewed 249 times. cunted last night. Not yet strong enough to deal with whatever the fuck is going on around me, can’t feel it any more, so just drank until it stopped. Then drank some more. Became miserableDrunk and crap, should apologise to Alan for him having to listen to it.
Retro then Swan. Then home, sleep and woke up with tears in my eyes again.
Random valentines present arrival made me feel better, sort of. There’s only one person I want it to be from and I strongly suspect it’s not him sending it...
So bittersweet. Listening to “A Sea of Honey”.
Best album of 2005 hands down. Aerial. Not a single singer/songwriter comes close to being able to touch her depth or composition. Plus it’s nice to hear Michael Kamen’s orchestration for the last time. We’ll miss him greatly, Wish he was here...
So, me. I don’t yet have the strength to deal with the world. I let it all go. Let it all go to a specific person who I care about a great deal in the hope it’d help her deal with cancer. So...I hover in the twilight, neither asleep or awake, just trying to get through the next day. When was that ever my fucking plan? I need to be strong again. I need to stop needing my crutch. I need to see again. I need to help again. Mostly I need to be me again.
I am going to Glastonbury this year. Any freaks who wanna come, grab a tent and join me. If not I’ll go alone. Somewhat fitting really.
And I’m sorry Warren, I should control myself better when drunk, I know I have a way of making stuff known that’s not conventional and can hurt lots :S
Viewed 363 times. 4 comments. “To Mr Van Looy For being a bastard but a lovely one at that. Happy Valentine’s Day (almost) From:Your Valentine”
I now own Aerial on vinyl. But I am confused as to who sent it me Viewed 297 times. 4 comments. My lunch and a packet of fags just came to £6.66. Is there something someone’s trying to tell me?
Viewed 376 times. 1 comment. Poised. Not sure what to do but knowing I need to do something. It’s tricky to work out what though. I know what I’d like to do but I’m not allowed. Makes me sad Viewed 271 times. 1 comment. Sometimes I feel like I want to curl up and die.
Sometimes I feel so alive.
I am all over the place at the moment. But finding it hard. I haven’t seen him in over three weeks, haven’t spoken to him in a week and I just can’t stop caring. I don’t know what to do. Some days are sneaky, it creeps up on me from behind then engulfs me so hard I feel my heart will explode. Some days I just miss talking about things. And the really fucking stupid thing? We’ve now almost been apart as long as we were going out.
I used to think I didn’t believe in love at first sight but now I’m not so sure...
I just miss him.
So I have to move on...
Viewed 306 times. 4 comments. Out last night. Went to Retro to insert a graphics card into Owen (his PC is nearly as ill as Novak Viewed 235 times. 4 comments. Oh well. Least I got loads done this weekend. You can be astonishingly pretty with CSS when you want to be Viewed 322 times. 1 comment. Can’t sleep. Keep waking up too early. Think I’m going to try and doze again in a bit but for now, no idea. Out on Friday, ended up at the Swan with Nich, Lloyd, Warren and TJ. Think it was fun but I’d had a little too much tea by this time. Spent an horrific amount of money, but hey, that’s what it’s there for, right?
Apparently I missed a pierced minge on stage. Woo! Go me!
Owen got his christmas present at last.
Danny went to Starkers. Scary stuff!
Was meant to sauna yesterday but in the end I couldn’t be bothered. Owen’s PC was deaded so he got Rob to drive him over and we sat and fiddled with it instead. Eventually it worked right, so they left at 1am with a fixed PC that failed to work when then they got back. *sigh*
Spent a bit too much time posting hatred to thingbox. I was bored, see? Plus stalking smess is fun.
Considered finishing the events thing but then couldn’t be bothered. Might either do music or more beta today.
Might also go to the sauna in a bit as I’m bored.
Still miss him Viewed 369 times. Missed out on Morrissey tickets *again*. Bah!
Not paying £57 to see him. Well, am fairly sure I’m not going to anyways. *sigh*
Oh well...
Viewed 388 times. 1 comment. I writ a little ditty on the way in as I was bored...
Marshmallow Heart
Spinning in my chest
gooey inside
It softens to see you
Sweet innards
Smooth and pink
It surrenders to your touch
Black and cracked
On the outside
So who’d know?
As you devour it whole
I think it’s cute...and not about Possoms in any way shape or form at all. Viewed 245 times. 1 comment. One of my other Jameses (Scottish one, not Danny’s ex, came to Heaven once with us, Owen’d remember *cackle*) just popped up on MSN with the name “Valentines day is just like herpes. Just when you think it’s gone for good it rears its ugly head once more”.
So I’m not the only bitter twisted and cynical bastard out there. Yay me.
Valentines day last year I spent with Dan. It was the day I decided I’d never be able to go out with him again. This year, the person I want to spend it with isn’t currently speaking to me. The year before last I’d sent James a card and he freaked out about it. So my last happy valentines day was 4 years ago, when James bought me a lovely yiffable “I love you” bear.
Maybe one day it’ll work out with someone. Maybe I’m single for a reason.
* Scott just tidied up some ahem damp towels from the bathroom. Hope no-one noticed. I did something naughty last night, but it cheered someone else up who’s having a crap time with his b/f so I guess it’s all good.
I can’t even be a filthy pervert without it being for a good cause...
Viewed 254 times. 1 comment. Ate hotwings yesterday. They seem to be coming back to haunt me. Ow!
So yer, eating sensibly is *ahem* not working too well...damn grandmothers...
Not sure what to do at the moment with any part of my life so am just going to float about. Was thinking about starting something new with someone but have decided that’s a bad idea until I know what I want.
I ache less now though...
Mogs came in drunk and left the kitchen window open. And now it won’t shut (Because it’s fucked). Grr. Will spank him later coz it’s fucking freezing.
Need to write to Dan. Don’t know what’s putting me off doing it really...
Almmost done with the new look and feel at work.
Resisting the urge to try and talk to Chris because he probably doesn’t want the hassle and would probably ignore me anyway. Miss my possom Viewed 232 times. 1 comment. Sleepy. Need more sleep. Need hugs. Made the mistake of looking at a picture yesterday...just made me miss him holding me. Viewed 344 times. 1 comment. I was barely sitting down in the loo when I heard a voice from the other cubicle saying: “Hi, how are you?”
Not being the type to start a conversation in the toilet, I don’t know what got into me but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doing just fine!”
And the other person says: “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just travelling!”
At this point I’m trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: “Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is going just a bit too far, even for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. So I tell them “No........I’m busy right now!!!”
Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I’ll phone you later, there’s an idiot in the next cubicle who keeps answering all my questions."
Viewed 348 times. 5 comments. Blurgh. Have a cold again and feel pretty crappy. Wah!
Had my jabs last night, with Lloyd and Nich. Now I feel like I’ve been playfully punched in both arms and my joints all ache. Although I maintained some level of butchness and didn’t whine about it like certain people we know
The fetus
Awww lil fetus!
Over and done with.
I need to work out who I lent Carnivàle to. I feel the urge to watch it again as it’s one of the most incredible pieces of television ever made.
I want fricken roses, dammit
Pondering.
Sleepy
Bleh. Spose I’ll be at Owen’s tonight fixing his PC yet again. As it’s broken
Spose I’d better get on a train too...oops!
This is cool...
Muahaha! Freakcity v3 comes closer!
Although now I have to make it compile and actually work, which might be tricky...
It’s like being at college all over again, with exercises an stuff
Working late then drinkies with David after at BarCode. Where I shall try very hard not to get as drunken as I did last week. *smirk*
But hey, £1 a drink? Who can argue with that?
Oh my god.
Strange...II
Morning. Ish
Do gaydar keep every single photo ever uploaded? Damn they must have some storage... Have to go to Ilford in a bit with a PC for Owen. Bleh. And I’m hungover. Did Retro then Swan last night, even though I said I wasn’t going to. Bumped into some old friends too, also managed to drag David (and random chub - does he ever change? ) along. We’re doing beer on Monday at Barcode. Got some big hugs from him, he agreed with me about silly things which was nice too. I think he’s doing ok, which is cool. He’s about to try out for another job but having fun in his current one. Quote of the evening from him “What? Is the world suddenly going backwards?”. Made me laugh. As did us trying to help him with his telemarketing voice
Went to the Swan with Danny (who was in an evil mood...much fun ) and bumped into Mike there, as well as some other people whose names I forget. I think I told him to join here though. I’m shameless
Home on my own as James was tired and wanted his own bed. Tried to buy fast food but everywhere was shut, so put veggie grills on. And promptly fell asleep. Woops. The Good Fairy must have woken up and taken them out from under the grill though before I set fire to myself or anyone else. Which would have been no great loss but hey.
This morning I am in a bad mood. I am strongly disliking myself for having feelings about someone I should be over. But the anger is better than the crippling sadness I felt Thursday so I guess I’m getting there. I shall be dealing with Owen’s PC with a hangover. Again. Heh.
I believe after Monday I might actually give up drinking for a while...
Planning on doing Leeds with Deev in early March. Free train ticket one way, see? So he’s going to come here for a weekend, stick around and then we’ll both travel back on the Tuesday and I’ll molest DanLad for a bit whilst he works. So I get some time off work, I get to see DanLad and Matt - I haven’t seen them since the October Bash - and I get to do Leeds
I shall see if zoink is about too and then I might actually get to meet him at last...it’s not like I’ve been chatting to him online for like 5 years or anything like that...
Wrote to ref an yesterday. Asked him if I’m allowed to come see him. I’ll have to be all straight acting an stuff if I do. Adam says they moved him to Reading recently so it might take a while for the letter to catch up with him, but we’ll see. Much as I’m not gonna go out with him ever again, I still miss him and still think about him and worry about him in that place.
Lloyd had a date. I shall ask him later how it went I only mention it so he can get all embarrassed about it and tell me he hates me again...he doesn’t really
Still don’t know if I’m doing Blue tomorrow or not. Hopefully he’ll phone.
Was idly going through gaydar and found a photo of Dan I took on his (now inactive) profile. I think it’s my favourite one of him as it makes him look slightly different to all the others I have of him. People didn’t get Dan. People cept me that is. He cared about me a lot - enough to go out with me even though he wasn’t a chaser. And although it all ended a bit wonkily, we always managed to sort stuff out, which, considering the reason he’s inside, is no mean feat
I just wish I could have talked him out of seeing Glen. Then he’d probably be fine still. But, if wishes were horses we’d all be eating steak.
Songs whistle through my mind. Currently it’s an old Morrissey track. He’s the best (apart from Kate...oh, and Floyd too...)
Seasick yet still docked
I am a poor freezingly cold soul
So far from where
I intended to go
Scavenging through life’s very constant lows
So far from where I’m determined to go
Wish I knew the way to reach the one I love
There is no way ...
Wish I had the charm to attract<
Worried...
We’re all supporting him, but I just wish there was something I could do to make him feel right again...good things done for the wrong reasons have a habit of going bad and the West Bank/Palestine aren’t exactly the friendliest of places in the world.
Peat’s already there though, managing cool stuff. He goes to the West Bank today, then Jericho for a week then Jenin for another week.
I so need to update the site as soon as I’ve finished FC - there’s a whole load of code I can reuse to make everything appear nicer
Hur.
Insomnia is fun for everyone
Too much stuff running through my head. Feeling better than I did yesterday but still rubbish mostly. I’ll be fine in a while...
Shitloads of work to do. Am developing a new package to sit on top of our framework, I’ve never done this kind of thing before and so it should be fun and informative. Suggested we use AJAX for some of it but wasn’t allowed. Bah. Personally, it’s a buzzword but a useful one and may open some doors for us. And after all, we’re founded on buzzwords ("The power of VoiceXML" anyone?) it can’t really hurt can it?
Was meant to be seeing JamesBass tonight but might not be as he hasn’t got back to me. Wanted to sauna but don’t have the funds. Wanted to Retro tonight too but probably will just go home. It all sucks...going to try and finish the site as well as some other stuff. Hopefully still doing photos for Blue too on Sunday. Also hopefully will have a date early next week with someone rather cool, but I shall say no more as it’ll probably all fall through...
Mending Owen at some point this weekend (again!) too. Something somewhere on his PC is very deaded
Griff pulled the barman at BarCode on Monday! Damn he’s good
Mew!
My Bloody Valentine
Tis the type of thing Owen’d do, but I don’t get the message if it’s him.
Tis the type of message Chris’d send but a) he’s not talking to me and b) has a bf already so why would he send me something for valentines day.
Could be someone else...but am fucked if I know who...maybe there’s an OwenChris hybrid out there just waiting to take over the world...
Whoever did it...thank you!
cor
Seasick yet still docked...
Work was long. Went straight home and did more freakcity bits, including jellybeans .
So if you’re a random person reading my blog then go here and go “ooh purty” and join or summat...
Novak stayed up all of yesterday without smb running. When smb runs it dies. I will test my theory by starting smb tonight and seeing if it crashes...
Also it’s claiming inconsistencies in hda2 so I’ll probably fsck it all and make sure it’s shiny and then try and restart. There’s a kernel panic whenever it boots during it’s init - which would imply to me that there’s a disk problem possibly, so maybe I need to buy a new one before everything explodes.
Owen’s PC still dead. I’ll try and fix it tomorrow evening, we’re going to go for new motherboardness. Although I’m tempted to just tell him to give me his drives and I’ll put them in Manny and give him that. Might be easier
Hopefully doing Retro tonight with Mickstar and moogal (if they remember to turn up this time ) - not planning on drinking though...world of no.
Running short on cash because I’m crap with money. So should behave a bit...
Might do XXL later. Don’t know. Possibly seeing James on Friday but he ran offline before we got a chance to sort out what...and doing a photoshoot for Blue at the Thames Barrier on Sunday. Might try really hard to get FC done this weekend, it’s almost all there now, I just need to do the pretty bits and then it’s finished
Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s bad.
Another day, why do I bother...
) and bumped into James so got a hug and a chat until Owen arrived. I had a strong feeling about something so was on edge all night. A feeling that something bad happened last night, I think I know who concerning and I am worried...
Still...a few beers and I blocked it out. Must phone mum tonight...
Warren and Lloyd turned up to Retro, and then Justin too. I demanded everyone fuck off to Barcode (again, a strong feeling I needed to be there) for the £1 a drink night. So bumped into Griffypoos and Neilio (bizarre thing whereby someone mentions freakcity and he says “Oh, I joined that ages ago” and then Lloyd points him at me and says "Oh, it’s his"). Griff refused to submit to peer pressure and sign up. He doesn’t know what he’s missing
Had some beers, then left at 9:30 or so and went to CXR with Lloyd for another one of my drunken conversations with him. Well, sorta. There’s things on my mind and I needed a friend and he was there and I wasn’t that drunken.
Introduced him to the wonders of Dionysus lamb (MMMM) and chicken doner. The lamb is always gorgeous, it just falls off the bone and melts in the mouth. I can’t exactly explain quite how wonderful it is. It’s like drunkFood™ but actually nice...
Home. Server crash. Sleep. Woke up. Server crash. Bah.
Tubed in coz I was fixing Novak for too long. Tho it’s stayed up since then. Am strongly starting to suspect that as the one thing I’ve not started is smb that perhaps something dodgy is going on with it. Either that or TJs new iMac is EVIL and MUST BE STOPPED.
Work today is fun. Plus I added more images to beta.freakcity.net to make it prettier. Collecting pills so I can do something funky instead of the sweeties. Emo!
Bah.
Almost finished the diary. A tiny bit more to do (messaging event organisers when comments are left - plus the ability to start a thread from the diary prepopulated with your event). Then I play with the dick
Then I redo all the themes. Holy crap!
So yer. Fair bit of work left, but the majority is now done.
Chatted to various people over the weekend but saw no-one other than Owen and Kee - still annoyed about Morrissey selling out in an hour, but hey.
This week I’m doing NOTHING at all cept working. Also going to get some time off work if possible as I want to go to France and see Ms Coates. On my own
“Extremists who threaten us all” screams the Metro. Wonder when we’ll start putting them in camps for their own good...
Walking to work from Waterloo is nice. I get to cross the river every morning and it’s a bit of exercise. I think I shall do it more often. Plus I’m thinking about either repairing/buying a new bike or joining a gym. I’ve put on nearly 4 stone since I stopped cycling and it’s not good for me. I really don’t want to end up dying soon, a couple of people might miss me 
Insomnianiac
Crapola
I made this!
Aww.
Arse.
Out tonight at Retro. Out tomorrow in the Sauna. Collapsing gracefully in a corner Sunday. Going to try and take it easy and try and feel a bit stronger than I do.
Wednesday night was fun, although I had a tiny bit more to drink than I should have. Woops. Regretted it all of yesterday.
One door closes and another one opens. But maybe I’ll just linger here a bit longer in the hope it’s not completely closed :S
Bleh 2
Retro last night. Drank a little too much, but it was cool. Cheered Lloyd up (I think). No James so no hugs. Got Owenhugs and Simonhugs and Lloydhugs and Bumphugs though. Not that I’m a hug whore or owt.
Bed way too late. Thought it’d be clever to change my MSN name to “The only place” because that keeps going through my head. Woke up this morning and realised it wasn’t clever at all. Wah
Sleepy and Sad and too much work.
Crap joke of the day
*sniffle*
I’m blogging early today because I’m bored and have Veronica to watch on the bus.
Got a letter from Dan yesterday. The day after I found the address to write to him. Spooky. He sent it on the 27th, my lucky number. “Yes I am in prison”. Makes me sad, not sure why. Possibly because when he’s not being a sadistic madman he’s lufferly. “I don’t really know what to say because I don’t know if this will get to you”. Maybe if I’d have somehow stopped him meeting his ex this wouldn’t have happened. Sorta feel guilty for not being there for him. Suspect that the reason why he ran off in Dec was Chris so am not sure how he’ll be with me, but hey, he’s dealt with me seeing other people before (ok, so it was badly...). Hard to think that I was with him last valentines day, in the old flat, and he told me that he wanted to see me again, then ran off with Laura. Again. One day I’ll have a sensible valentines day again, just not right now. Bah! Will reply to him today and see if I can visit him either in Feltham or Reading.
Huggie promised me pie in Reading. Huggie also told me off for bothering to reply to email from Chris. But hey, my life.
Went to an overpacked and horrible Retro after jabs to see Simon and Gaz. Nich came too which was cool. Escaped from there (nowhere to sit or lean comfortably) and ran off to H2H where we sat downstairs and Lloyd moaned about his arms. Huggie got a bit embarassed by GazMEAN. Nich got a bit embarassed by everyone (possibly ). We decided to go for some food so went to Waga and admired the gay waiters. Ate lots. Mmmfull. Couldn’t finish my Ramen so feel fat today.
Wandered back to Charing X so huggie could run away to Reading. Everyone sauntered home. Lloyd convinced Nich to get the bus with me, so I had company on the way home. Was appreciated but not necessary. Hope he got back ok. Will spank Lloyd about it later
Novak froze on mogs, so got in, restarted the IRC server and DNS and stuff then went to bed, thinking about what I’d learned of Dan, Adam and Adam yesterday. Strange how the world works.
Warren moved out yesterday. Now it’s just mogs and I left in the flat. It’s strange, quiet, unsettling. I shall catch up with him later and make sure everything happened ok. Nowt feels odd so hoping it went smoothly. Although I have a feeling about tonight, which could be interesting.
Retro tonight to see keybum. Haven’t seen him since last autumn, so will be good.
Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What’s a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you
Keeps rolling through my head. I shall perhaps listen to it as I catch up on work today. That and “The Only Place”. Bah. My head won’t let me move on
No drinking tonight. But a bar full of drunks. How intriguing will this be? Hopefully James’ll be working so I can get a hug in his fag break
