You know those people who tell you “It’s not where you going that’s important, it’s the journey”? They’re only half right.

Sometimes, it’s actually not important how far you go, but how you go. You see, the road less travelled may not take you as far as your peers, but if you follow others, are you even travelling at all? Will, in 50 years time, you look back at your life and think “I made this happen” or will you feel cheated and a bit like a fraud?

Because there’s nothing quite like discovering things for yourself, as the prevalence of websites purporting to bring you the hidden London show, whilst coincidentally and unintentionally being utterly self defeating.

I’ve been thinking about things for a while. I’ve let myself slip into some bad habits because I’ve let myself slip ever so slightly into what I was instead of looking forward to what I may be. It’s easier to conform, easier to go to the pub with mates and tranquillise yourself as you complain about the general shitness of life, easier to not make waves, to not change the people and things around you. Oh for an easy life, it makes the bad things bearable.

But it’s not true, is it?

I really need to stop. Stop following. Stop digging up morsels for affection. Stop looking to the past for comfort. Stop drinking to hide the fact I’m hurting. Stop hurting.

I tell other people that nothing in life worth doing is easy, but I seem to forget it when it comes to my own life. I tell people off for misbehaving but turn a blind eye to myself when I do it. I am better than this. I have been better than this. I need to be better than this. I am not currently.

The past shapes our present with whatever we allow it to shape us. It’s not an absolute. You are not x because y happened to you. You choose to be who you choose to be. Self determination, it’s a wonderful thing.

So I guess I’ve lost my way a bit. I slipped back into some old patterns, like well loved shoes. They brought me comfort as things around me started to become a little unbearable. But the baggage they brought with them, I’ve unintentionally picked up too. I need to stop, I need to reevaluate, I need to change.

I’ve not written a blog like this in a very long time, even this is a step backwards.

But the thing is, when you follow your own path, sometimes you take a wrong turn. Sometimes you double back on yourself. Without a rudder to guide you, sometimes you become lost. I am my own rudder, I just let go of the tiller for a while.

Time to strike out in a new direction and uncover some more truths

Because I may not get as far as my contemporaries, but at least I know the walking has all been mine.