Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
Journalling through time
Back home to the humdrum mediocrity that coats my currently uninteresting life and all I want is to be away from here. Away from this city and away from this job. I know I’ll settle back into it in a few days but frankly I don’t really want to have to. But until I have a concrete idea of what I can do there’s not much point. In two years the majority of my debts will be gone and then I’ll be freer than I am now. I either choose to leave London and buy a place somewhere new or I choose to stay in London and buy a place somewhere old. Glastonbury leaves my head swimming, gives the world a harsh metallic taste. I always bite off more than I can chew when I go there, it’s marvellous. I think that I’d like this to be an annual pilgrimage. I could happily just spend 5 days a year sat outside a coffee shop watching the world going past. Such an intriguing mix of hippies, new age pilgrims, hoaxters, tricksters and workshy fools there. All drawn inexplicably by the power of the tor and the echoes of the weight of the water that once was. I’m sure that Kings Lynn could be as gorgeous if it smelt less of fish and you shot all the locals. “Buy me a drink and I’ll tell you a story” comes the cry from the workshy types that hang around the centre. And they get their pint. And more. Is it a bad life? Surely it’s no worse or better than the bards of old? We were sung to by John, a bloke who Dom recognised from the bar a couple of nights before. He was just starting out...singing for his supper. Talent there, needed honing, would have loved to talk to him about music but didn’t. Simply let myself be a tourist and let him be the bard. Curious. A mix of traits lay within him, the trait that wants to see himself as in control, the trait that wants to see himself as better than everyone around him, so common in the young, the trait that makes him feel like he’s getting one over on the rest of us by singing for his supper, and yet still he needed affirmation, opened to our applause in a way that he’ll soon forget. We encountered a drunk old fool claiming to know the secrets to the universe. He plainly wasn’t going to speak to anyone with any kind of intelligence, asking obvious leading questions and hoping he could awe his audience into buying him drink. We encountered a digeridoo player. Painfully shy. Hidden behind his own hair. Broken by years of insecurity and the lifestyle choices that come with it. Set free by the sounds coming from his dig, able to lose himself in the notes as they floated over the tor. Not needing applause, wanting simply to be left in his own world, he hid in a corner of the broken tower and played us into the sunset. So much power. So many people drawn to it. The people who access it and use it, they are the invisible ones. They do not make themselves known. To them, I am but a clumsy child in what I do. They barely register me. Then there are those that know there’s power and hope to use it one day. They need followers, they need people to believe. This makes them stronger and surer of themselves, but they can be brought down by a single voice of dissent, such is the nature of things. I linger somewhere in there, but unlike many of them I recognise my own shortfallings and attempt to change, to adapt, to better myself. And then, at the bottom. There are the conmen. They will sell you a polished cut crystal and tell you a nice story. They see it as industry. They have no clue. I could so easily hide amongst them, wrap myself in a shroud of mystery and make an honest living preying on the hopes and dreams of others. Telling myself that it’s their stupidity and not my problem that parts them from their money, whilst secretly knowing deep down that I should be giving, not selling. Yes, I could fit myself in there. I could write. I could create a following, find people with faith, convince myself of my own prowess and be caught out ultimately by real life. I could fit myself in there. I could<
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Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...
Speeding through the weekend we collided with both Bath and Bristol on the same day, sending wood shards flying in all directions. Dom and co did the Baths and I Wandered about buying CDs and chilling. Lloyd was very late so we got bored in Bris and then found Puppy after. Beer and loveliness later we zoomed back to the campsite, just in time to be not locked out. Made a fire, cooked sausage and finished the day with rainy cassetteboy. Marvellous
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Part two
So we toodled off and grabbed some bits of wood. Some gorgeous and carved and stuff. Was lovely. Popped to Morrissons and bought some stirfry bits and pieces and lots of sweeties and cooked gorgeousness on gas stoves. Sat around the fire gossiping, occasionally ending up under Dom’s awning when the smattering of rain got too bad
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Tenttastic
Wandered about in Glastonbury. I bought a lovely chair and a small camera shaped bag and some other bits and bobs. Justin bought some massage oil and proceeded to wander the streets sniffing it like some demented gay snorting poppers or something. We got back to the site and chilled out for a bit. Just up the road is a house that’s being renovated. There’s a sign up outside saying “free firewood” so we popped up there to grab some. Dom brought his rusty old barbecue with him, so we got firewood for it
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Woo
We all fucked off to Morrissons for a big family shop and then came back and had dinner and chatted a bit, but in the end it was too cold and we just gave up and went to bed. Dom froze in his huge fold-out house and I was snug in my 25p tent. Hah!
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Day 1
So, I’m here in a tent and Steve and Dom and Justin are here too and it’s sunny. Yay! Some lovely chavlings are camping too and the hot one was running about topless yesterday and it’s all good. We arrived at 4ish, the camp commandant knowingly asking if we’d been here before in an “I remember you, you were bad people but I’ll give you another go” kinda voice. Put up my Tesco value tent (4 man? 4 dwarf, more like) and inflated the airbed which appears to have a slow puncture. Joy. More later x
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Ooh!
This is the first ever mobile blog entry
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Me and my dawg
I made beans for freakcity Riiight. Now. I heard from Jonathan yesterday, he’s ok, which is a worry off my mind. I’m trying to flatten my phone battery but it Just Won’t DIE! It’s shiny, I keep looking at it. I should probably stop before I’m arrested. Beans make good wallpaper for it Watched R4AD last night. Didn’t do that much else. Got frustrated with bits of freakcity theme today, didn’t do much else. Am going to make a new one in a bit I think. A new shiny one. And an accessible one too. Yesterday I dreamt of James. There were two of him. It was very strange. And we were on a boat, it was meant to be on a canal but it was much larger, and it was sinking (this bit might freak TJ out ). One of James was slightly different than the other one and I mistook them for the same person until they were both there. They kept running about the boat and I kept trying to make them leave it. Eventually I was in the water and swimming in a large expanse (I think it’s a bit amsterdamish) — very odd. I remember there being lots of mud there. I remember inviting the wrong James to my party. And the right James saying “it’s ok, it doesn’t matter”. Although that could just be my subconscious being aware that I forgot his birthday last month. Woops. Last night I dreamt of nothing at all, that I remember. More freakcity will be done now. The beta’s coming along nicely
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Something wicked this way comes
Currently listening to Jeff Buckley. Arr. Phone failed to turn up at work yesterday, spoke to a lovely incomprehensible Indian woman from three who somehow managed to pronounce enough of the consignment number correctly for me to be able to phone Parceline myself to find out what’d happened. Turns out they’d incorrectly addressed it to me, at the building my office is in, as opposed to me, at the company I work for, in the building I work in. Which incidentally looks like it’s about to get Channel 5 moving in upstairs So arranged to pick the phone up from their depot after work, an easy ride up to Kings Cross then back down through angel, shoreditch and home. Or so I thought Didn’t count on two things. Pentonvile Road has a large bastard hill. Very large. Very bastard. And my bike chose that moment to die. I think I’m in love with Jeff Buckley. Does that make me a necrophiliac? So, left work having printed directions from the RAC website coupled with a streetmap showing where I was going to (and the consignment number and address and stuff). Followed the RAC directions until I got to Tottenham Court road where they went hideously wrong and so I decided that street signs were the way forward. Fortunately this meant I was travelling slowly when my front tyre decided to fall off my bike, get jammed in my front brake and then cause my bike to judder to a halt. Had this have been a normal day and I’d been on my way home this would have been nasty as I’d have been travelling at speed. Urgh. So, sorta a mixed blessing that my phone wasn’t delivered correctly. Tires have a metal chord running round the inside where they meet the wheel, inside the rubber. It stops the tyre stretching and falling off. Mine had snapped on one side, so the slightest bump pushing the innertube makes it pop the tyre off the hub. I slowly limped as far as the office to pick up my phone, then slowly limped back towards Kings Cross. Vile icky area...cycling round N1, scared to go too fast. Up the huge vast and horrible Pentonvile Rise, through Angel and then down into Shoreditch and familiar territory...not doing more than 10 miles an hour for most of it. My poor freakbag way way way overfilled with mobile phones, rice milk, bike locks, waterproofs, etc. Bah. Tyre finally gave up completely somewhere near my old flat, so I locked the thing up, bought some food, sat down, then walked it the rest of the way home. Used the last of my savings (bah) to buy leccy, although I’ll hopefully put some of it back in again when TJ pays me rent on Sunday. Watched the last half of the last Angel then watched from “Tough Love” to the end of Buffy S5. Kinda cool. Haven’t watched any in aaages. Too pissed off with general stuff to go near any computers so simply went to bed afterwards. Got up and TJ reminded me that I hadn’t thrown away my old tyre, so I hastily repaired the bike before work (it was either that or the bus again) and pedalled in. Today will be long. Bah. Doing UAT tomorrow morning on the whole look and feel business, hoping not too much is raised by then.
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Ursula Beaver
Life. Don’t talk to me about life. * Scott smirks Bad news yesterday. Bah. Work went ok though, which is good. But the reactive part of my depression kicked in big time leaving me down and miserable. And then the part of my brain that recognises this for what it is kicked in and left me indifferent. So I got a bit angry for kicks and then went to bed. Failed to do any Freakcity. Bah. Might change the default themes a bit more, make them prettier, not yet sure. Might just make an optional layout for the lovely forums. Mused a little more on life, swung disconnected thoughts around the inside of my head until it spun with happy enjoyment and vibrated with power. I am very much looking forward to Glastonbury for the chance to recharge my batteries, amongst other things. Still listening to the Children of Dune soundtrack, and I also got Jeff Buckley://www.jeffbuckley.com as he’s dead now and was once interesting to my peers, way back in Norwich. Talked to Nikki on the phone, she’s camping too, which’ll be nice. So very tired. And so very bored. Again. Ah well, something will give. Steve gave me virtual hugs, which was nice. Slept really badly. Dreamt of things, failed to remember what they were, only that they were hurdles, not good, not bad, just distracting. Chatted to Jams too yesterday. As ever, was left with the overwhelming urge to hug him lots.
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Shiny and new and wet and windy and cold and quiet and happy
So Friday evening occurred without a hitch, same goes for Saturday and Sunday. The daytimes weren’t particularly bad at all either. The mornings were a little earlier than I’d have liked, but sometimes that can’t be helped. <> Did some pieces of Freakcity over the weekend. Have it all running on the beta. Biggest change for me was validating everything to XHTML Strict 1.0 standard. Freakcity’s always been accessible, you can access and use the site in Lynx and it’s wirtten to degrade gracefully without CSS or Javascript so it’s still useable. This is WCAG Level AA — I fall a little short of AAA but not by much. I’ve always designed the site to these standards, but don’t really mention it. So I thought I would for a bit. After all, it means people with visual disabilities should be able to use the site with no problems. I’m also going to develop a high contrast large font version of the site for people called baboonish and their funny eyes I watched the Directors Cut of Donnie Darko on Saturday evening. Makes slightly more sense than the original cut, although not much more. It seems that I got the original, understood what it meant and didn’t require the extra exposition scenes. The book “The Philosophy of Time Travel” that Roberta Sparrow writes though, is however very interesting. (see previous blog entry). It left the bit of me that smells truth niggling at me. I wonder how much of it came from Richard Kelly’s mind and how much he soaked up from other places. It intrigues me. I’ve always been fascinated by apports - perhaps this is grown from the same thing? I then wandered into the farthest recesses of my mind with the other items. What if the Manipulated Dead exist? Then what if all dead exist? What if we’re given a value for how we live our life when we die. We can go on with that value or we can loop back, watch over ourselves and try and make ourselves better so when we come to the end again the value of our life would be higher. What if the “guardian angel” that people sometimes think they have isn’t an angel, merely the same person after death. “We are old souls, you and I...” I know that it’s not the case, but it’s still an entertaining thought. And there’s some element of truth to it, which may reveal itself to me in time. I am fascinated by death and by the relationship between the mind and the body. Can you imagine what a startling revelation it will be when the first teleportation machine is created and the first human arrives at his destination without a mind? Because, if you destroy someone and then recreate an exact replica (the essence of teleportation), is it actually them? Would it talk and act the same? Y’see, this would most definitely answer the age old question about souls. Is the sum of our existance merely the flesh we are constructed from? Or is there something more... What happens at the moment of death? How do you know you are going to die? What do you cling on to if you want to live? It’s all curious to me. I don’t fear death, I truly don’t. I fear the leaving of things undone. I fear the effects my passing would cause. But not the passing itself. I am too curious. People would call this morbid fascination unhealthy. We hide death. We are encouraged<
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Curiousity
<<The Philosophy Of Time Travel Foreword I would like to thank the sisters of the Saint John Chapter in Alexandria, Virginia for their support in my decision. By the grace of God, they are: Sister Eleanor Lewis Sister Francesca Godard Sister Helen Davis Sister Catherine Arnold Sister Mary Lee Pond Sister Virginia Wessex This intent of this book is for it to be used as a simple and direct guide in a time of great danger. I pray that this is merely a work of fiction. If it is not, then I pray for you, the reader of this book. If I am still alive when the events foretold in these pages occur, then I hope that you will find me before it is too late. Roberta Ann Sparrow October, 1944>><<Chapter One: The Tangent Universe The primary universe is fraught with great peril. War, plague, famine and natural disaster are common. Death comes to us all. The Fourth Dimension of Time is a stable construct, though it is not impenetrable. Incidents when the fabric of the fourth dime(n)sion becomes corrupted are incredibly rare. If a Tangent Universe occurs, it will be highly unstable, sustaining itself for no longer than several weeks. Eventually it will collapse upon itself, forming a black hole within the Primary Universe capable of destroying all existence.>><<Chapter Two: Water and Metal Water and Metal are the key elements of Time Travel. Water is the barrier element for the construction of Time Portals used as gateways between Universes at the Tangent Vortex. Metal is the transitional element for the construction of Artifact Vessels.>><<Chapter Four: The Artifact And The Living When a Tangent Universe occurs, those living nearest to the Vortex will find themselves at the epicenter of a dangerous new world. Artifacts provide first sign that a Tangent Universe has occured. If an Artifact occurs, the Living will retrieve it with great interest and curiosity. Artifacts are formed from metal, such as an Arrowhead from an ancient Mayan civilisation, or a Metal Sword from Medieval Europe. Artifacts returned to the Primary Universe are often linked to religious Iconography, as their appearance on Earth seems to defy logical explanation. Divine intervention is deemed the only logical conclusion for the appearance for the Artifact.>><<Chapter Six: The Living Receiver The Living Receiver is chosen to guide the Artifact into position for its journey back to the Primary Universe. No one knows how or why a Receiver will be chosen. The Living Receiver is often blessed with a Fourth Dimensional Powers. These include increased strength, telekinesis, mind control, and the ability to conjure fire and water. The Living Receiver is often tormented by terrifying dreams, visions and auditory hallucinations during his time within the Tangent Universe. Those surrounding the Living Receiver, known as the Manipulated, will fear him and try to destroy him.>><<Chapter Seven: The Manipulated Living The Manipulated Living are often the close friends and neighbours of the Living Receiver. They are prone to irrational, bizarre, and often violent behaviour. This is the unfortunate result of their task, which is to assist the Living Receiver in returning the Artifact to the Primary Universe. The Manipulated Living will do anything to save themselves from Oblivion.>><<Chapter Ten: The Manipulated Dead The Manipulated Dead are more powerful than the Living Receiver. If a person dies within the Tangent Dimension, they are able to contact the Living Receiver through the Fourth Dimensional Construct. The Fourth Dimensional Construct is made of Water. The Manipulated Dead will manipulate the Living Receiver using the Fourth Dimensional Construct (see Appendix A and B). The Manipulated Dead will often set an Ensurance Trap for the Living Receiver to ensure that the Artifact is returned safely to the Primary Universe. If the Ensurance Trap is succesful,
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This life goes on forever...
Cycled to work yesterday in the rain. Was quite nice actually. Way nicer than today, I cycled in the wind again. I HATE THE FRICKEN WIND. Was late too as I was up until 1am fixing bits of server movearound. But mostly it all seems to work ok, with the exception of a few DNS hiccups. I can’t get my DNS server to behave and actually RESOLVE THINGS, which is a bit gay of it. So it handles my domains and then forwards everything else to eclipse’s DNS servers. And I can’t get the IRC server to behave with rDNS either. Stupid thing. So I have some playing to do tonight. mogwai was out last night so I did the obligatory run around the flat naked. And I shall do the same again tonight as he’s out as well. Money entered my account from paypal, so I’ve almost replenished my savings back to where they were. Lazarus died *again* - no screen backlight - so I may actually take the whole thing apart this weekend and carefully clean it as well as trying to work out what’s up with it. Depends on how much time I have left really. Not sure about XXL, it’d be nice to do something and it’d be nice to see Ulf, however, the sensible bit of my brain says I shouldn’t, I should be good and not spend money on travel and clubbing that I don’t need to. Bah. We’ll see. Mum phoned last night, apparently the tent she got (that’s identical to the tent I got) is marvellous. Am looking forward to camping now Need to sort it all out though — seems like it’s going to be a bit more fragmented than last year, possibly fewer of us too, not sure. Dom and Steve are thinking about going down a few days earlier too. Wishing I had the holiday to do the same
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Blah.
Got home, laptop on floor, screen dead again. Eventually coaxed it to work. Took drive out, couldn’t get it to work right. Put drive back in, laptop screen dead. Again. Grr. Carnivàle Season 2 and Peter’s Friends arrived. TJ was also watching The Green Mile. So I caught the end...then watched Peter’s Friends and the end of Carnivàle and the extra features, which were all lovely. Bed too late. Bah. Got up, Tesco were being mean and put a cheque through from the twentyfuckingsecond that I thought had gone out ages ago. Bah. So overdrawn and patched up from savings. Waiting for a payment from paypal to arrive and then I’ll put back what I took out. I am so determined that I’m going to buy me a 20D for my birthday. I’m saving 100 this month, 200 next and 200 the month after. Fingers crossed anyways...
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The Lazarus Resurrection
Yesterday was blurreh, the day before even more so. So Monday I got home at a sensible time, plugged in my shiny glowey solar powered balls and moved bits of flat about. I’m now probably going to wire Pixel instead of wifiing it, and then when mogs gets his shiny G4 I’ll give him the MIMO card so he can be unwired at 100mbps. I’m also considering buying a gig switch if I can find one cheap enough and a gig card for novak. Then I can have a stupidlyfuckingfast server connection Didn’t do a whole lot on Monday evening other than poke bits of PC around. The wireless access point is now in my bedroom (centre of the flat) so both myself and TJ should get decent connections (but as I said, I may wire Pixel as the wifi has a 4 port switch in it too). Phone’s also been moved to the bedroom in an attempt to minimise the amount of things that could be possibly wrong with the phone line. Bed at a sensible time on Monday night. Up Tuesday, cycling to work I turned off Shaftsbury Avenue as a woman walked off the pavement out in front of me without looking. I moved right so if she’d have carried on walking I’d have missed her, but no, she saw me, stopped like a startled rabbit and then as I almost hit her, swore and slapped me on the back as I swerved around her. The fucking cheek. Some people really do deserve to be run over. Someone bought my 11 Babylon 5 VHSs on eBay, so I popped out at lunch to buy a hyooj box to post them in and some bubblewrap to cover them in. Left it in the office as I figured taking it home just to put VHSs in it and then bringing it back to work again would be silly. Broke various things at work (woops) and then headed back home again for a quiet night in front of the telly. Hah! I cunningly got to thinking about my laptop yesterday afternoon, decided I’d see if there were any bits on eBay for it. And lo! I was rewarded with a maintenance manual for £1.45. So, PDF in figurative hand I set about destroying lazarus with a dodgy screwdriver. 5 minutes later, I’ve got a working screen again. I’ve missed my laptop, more than I realised. So spent the evening updating it, sitting online and generally being geeky. There was a small square of foam, see. It’d become wedged under the laptop lid switch, between the insides and the LED cover, keeping the switch pressed down. So the laptop, which helpfully turns off its backlight whenever the lid is closed, was in perpetual darkness. Dinner of chicken and rice followed by bed after midnight at some point, a very happy bunny. Mostly anyways. Still having firewall configuration issues, so going to move Novak to .238 and fire to .233 and then reroute everything (or possibly use shorewall or something) correctly so it won’t die. Coz currently internal stuff can’t resolve anything using novak’s DNS server. And novak’s DNS server can’t reach the main servers either. And it’s all a leeetle screwy and bizarre. So tomorrow night I’ll move IP. Should give me something fun to do Tonight, well, I’m gonna geek again. Hopefully at least one of my new DVDs will have arrived Posted 11 VHSs for £7.50. Quite impressed with the price. Still looking on eBay for Compaq Evo N1020v bits. If I can find a damaged or dead one cheap then I can just nick the case, thus fixing my issues with there being a HUGE FUCKING CIGARETTE HOLE IN IT (ta bingowings) and cracks, dodgy screen, etc.
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Pride and Prejudice
So very tired. Was up until 4:30am making my firewall work. Urgh. More of that later. Fun weekend though. Escaped from work on time and pootled off to Victoria to accost Miles, view his sex toys and meet Foofoo, pounced on a train at just past 7 and we were away. Chatted of pointless things on the train, plus also got a good peer at Dave’s new phone as it has the very sexy cybershot 3.2mp camera built in. Woman with wonky eyes sat in front of me disturbed me somewhat though. Got to Brighton and I journeyed on to Hove and Dave and Miles went to see croberts and camp respectively. Or maybe Dave did both, who knows? Got to Hove station and got lost a bit, found myself a bit and then found Ulf, headed back to the flat and chilled out a bit, had some food, had a shower then headed out to the pit which was XXL in Brighton. In an empty dungeon, in the middle of the night, what diabolical chicken has stamped on your forehead? Was dingy, small, full of drunks and a bit pointless really. None of the fun things to do (at least XXL Brum is in a bigger venue and has a darkroom), no outside, no escape from the music. Argh! I’d assumed it was Saturday night, too, so was thinking I’d get a fairly early night and be up bright and early on Saturday morning, but this was not to be Mostly I sat in corners and watched people. Which possibly meant Ulf felt bad because I wasn’t having fun...bah. I think next time I’ll go to the sea more and go to gay places less Got back at about 3:30am and went to sleep. Was woken by the sound of seagulls at about 8:30, which was nice. Hung my head out of the window and took some piccies of the view of the sea. Got slowly ready and then bounced on buses to the clocktower where I perched and took many many pictures. I love my zoom lens. Mad Christians were out in force, obviously having skipped the “judge not” chapter of the Bible. One had a megaphone. The fool. Amnesty’s fabulously flawed concept of “Love is a human right” was out again, as were a few other things. Interestingly one of the trucks was a tesco one...how does that work? Are tesco secretly sponsoring the gay world? If so, you’d think they’d get a better colour scheme... The march ended and we fucked off back to the flat via Waitrose for an absolutely gorgeous breakfast. Then, after the girls had got dressed ( ) we headed to the park to see the festival. Was nice, bit like London Pride of old. Was fun wandering round stalls and stuff. Bumped into about 3 ex shags including jamesbass with slightly disturbing added nipples, Rich (who appeared to know Peter...funny that) and one I’d rather not remember Wandered about the bear bit, then went for a wander to find Miles. Bumped into him and friends and pootled about the filthy bits. Texted Justin and Dave, found out where the other lot were hiding and then went and (eventually) found them. Justin, bingowings (who strangely seemed to make himself absent as soon as I arrived), Lisa (who is fab, gaydar fan girl in my flickr pics), casparian, Marcus, scareglow, kee, Mouse, and a few others were hiding behind a bear linedancing tent listening to the lovely music. Chilled out there a bit too. Richard bit lots of people. Miles sat between Richard’s legs and got all dominant. Was entertaining Lisa punched someone else’s car and got told off a bit by a big butch security man. It’s amazing what you can get away with when you’re a woman with big eyelashes...Mouse found some helium balloons and inhaled them. He sounded pretty much the same without the helium tbh. Richard bitched about not having had any tonic because Lisa threw it at him. Justin and Bingowings having vanished were discovered through the power of mobile telephony. Justin being a clever boy had decided that he was way trashed enough to be spun around and hung upside down on the fairground rides. "Yeah, we went on the r
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*burp*
And the man underneath where does he go? Does he fall by the wayside or does he just die? Saunad last night with Miles. Miles who managed to be fantastically late — got to Liverpool St having purposely got myself hideously lost on purpose. Which I’d done on purpose as Miles had called to say he was 30 minutes late. Bah. He eventually arrived, being the gentleman he is he blamed everything on his mother and we set off to find freaks in the sauna. Bumped into an old friend in the changing rooms, caught up a bit. Then went and hid in the jacuzzi and bumped into first Lunky and then Jordanj. Chilled. Wandered round the dirty bits (Widescreen plasma porn! Almost but not as good as Valencia! ). Chatted to peeps. Got frowned at for being silly in the jacuzzi (think I was putting off the people trying to get Miles’ attention... Left at about 10:45, had a cunning plan to walk home as I reckoned it was only 30 mins walk. I think I may have been smoking crack. Home just before midnight and after giving Miles a guided tour of the bestest bits of the East End (where else would you find a nightclub in a toilet?) en route. Watched some of “Done the Impossible” as I cooked gorgeous spaghetti bolognaise. Browncoats are freaky, man. Finalized bits of tonight with Ulf. Bed at about 2ish. Woke up at about 7ish. NOT ENOUGH DAMN SLEEP. In work late due to fuckup with bank cards at Bow station. IE it wouldn’t accept any whatsoever. Bah. Being the gentleman I am, it was all Miles’ fault. Sporadic work. Mostly lovely. Finished lots. Made myself even more. Bah. Perfectionism sucks... Tonight I’m meeting Miles at Victoria. With his bag. Which contains stuff which I hope nobody I work with sees
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Awwooga
Dancing through life without caring where your feet land is all very well and good, but what if you stand on people? Do you care? Do you not? Almost hit by two cars and a bus this morning. What is it about rain that makes people drive like cunts? Relaxing evening doing not much at all. Ate chinese. Chatted online. Fixed bits of FC. That was all, really. Downloaded Done the Impossible before breakfast. DSL is peaking at 3.8mb at the moment. But will it last? Also downloaded some music (legally! Boggle!) which I’ll listen to tonight. As my money settles down somewhat it’s nice to see that I may actually have enough for Brighton after all. I might not stay overnight on the Saturday though as there’s a demo (well, there’s a demo on Saturday too...) on Sunday I’d like to try and be at. I am going to buy a hard drive next month and that’s it. No more DVDs, no more clothes, nothing. I am going to save £200 and then I am going to add it to the month after’s £200 and buy a new camera. I need a 20D before I can start whoring myself out as a proper photographer. Bed last night fairly early. TJ was out so my relaxing evening had been cool. TJ (apparently) got home at 9:15am, so bugger only knows where he ended up. Just bought the children of Dune soundtrack on Amazon. And the directors cut of Donnie Darko. Anyone want a Donnie Darko non-directors-cut DVD? I can handle cycling in snow, rain, sleet, sun, freezing cold, humidity, anything. Anything but wind. And god is it windy. Argh. Fixed bits of work stuff in record time. I’m getting pretty good at debugging other people’s Java Lunch was pasta and sausage and fish fingers all cooked this morning, sausage+fish fingers chopped up and sprinkled into the pasta and then tomato purée and crushed garlic added. This is then microwaved and mixed up at work and becomes lunch. I suspect this is how I’ve managed to save so much money lately, I spend between £3 and £5 a day on food, it really doesn’t occur to me quite how much this adds up. But I’m probably saving £100 a month doing this Sauna with Miles tonight Should be a giggle... Now, to do some work as I wait for mogs to surface and groan at me <> Camping has been announced by me. See event 685 and thread 2383
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Efenking
Spent much of yesterday contemplating that thing called Life again. I wonder if it’s possible to introvert yourself so much you appear quite mad whilst internally you’re just following leads. More of my internal script is slowly wafting into shape, ideas are forming and I’m becoming aware of character traits and styles. I’m almost ready to write something new. Almost. Downloaded some dodgy music w4r3z. I shall install and make blippy noises. New wheel was lovely going home. Now I just need a new tyre for it. I arrived home to find the LOVELY Stephen Fry waiting for me. Well, Season 1 of “A bit...” at any rate. Which I accidentally forced TJ to watch all of. ""I don’t claim to understand poetry, I’m an English teacher, not a homosexual"" So got nothing done last night except for much sniggering and that kind of malarkey. Bed sensibly early and up sensibly early too. Long tortuous day at work. Many things going wrong, being fixed. Much hanging about with nothing to do. It seemed to go on for ever. Broke bits of freakcity by remote control whilst updating things in gaps in work. Very impressed. Left on time, TJ is out drinking (again) and had better not wake me when he gets in or I’m so divorcing him. Been here 11 months now. New tenancy arrived today.Has flown by. This time last year I was rearranging my head, so far it seems to have all worked for the best. I’ve lost a few people along the way, but they were dead wood really. I have all I need in the people I have around me. I am functioning better as a person and I am no longer requiring the crutch of alcohol to do it. I’ve had to become a bit harder towards others, I can no longer swim through naked emotion and drown it all out with the beers, so I’ve chosen distance instead. For the time being at any rate. I’m still learning how to deal with that one. So all in all, medium. Things are ticking along nicely. But you, dear reader, you know how I hate for things to be ticking along nicely, so I may accidentally upset an applecart or two A startling revelation hit me on the way home. I could be the new Boxx. I thought about becoming parpicunt for a time, but suicide just isn’t my thing, so that’s what will happen. I will shag so much chicken, lose so many friends and become a recluse relegated to the ashtray that is gaydar chat. Hanging about street corners giving handjobs for crack. ""Estate Agents, you can’t live with them, you can’t live with them. Like them or loathe them, you’d be mad not to loathe them"" I choose to be whatever the hell I want to be whenever the hell I want to do it. And as I don’t believe in hell, that leaves me in a quandry. We die many times, you and I, all throughout our lives. The French call the orgasm “le petit mort”, When we lose our virginity a little part of us dies. The first time we experience wonder being destroyed. The first love that dies. The first loss of a loved one. Each little death adds up, we are a sum of all our hopes, dreams and all our disappointments. Until it becomes too painful, too sharp, too bright and loud in the real world and we retreat into our memory. Remembering what we choose, our memories are all that is us. Without them we are nothing. Then death. We go on, but without our memories we are not who we were. Burbly goes my head, whirling thoughts abound in insanity. I can tap it, let the words flow into my blog but they’ll make little cohesive sense. Jumping from subject to subject, trains of thought are a bad metaphor as trains require tracks and frequently we think outside of constraints. My brain runs hot today, but it’s not really my brain that creates the thoughts, it simply stores the memory of them. All the time the wheel turns, never stopping, never ending. Bright sparks flare and illuminate all in stark relief, there for a moment and then gone, the brain clamouring to record as much information as it can from these brief lucid spells. Have you ever touched stone? An old
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Home at a sensible time yesterday. TJ was out inhaling beers so I spent the evening fiddling with bits of freakcity, chatting to people online and eating crap food. Unshocker. But bacon sandwiches are fun Tweaked some bits of freakcity. Worked out how to make ASPJpeg behave well enough to resize images and save them when people upload them — so people don’t have to worry bout the 200k limit and I don’t have to worry bout the server having all its space eaten up. This added to the bits that I did on the forums for version 2 of the site last year basically all add up to me being able to implement avatars verreh soon. Which is nice I may attempt to work out how to make animated ones work, although I’ll have to bypass ASPJpeg for that as it doesn’t support animated gifs. Very impressed with the speed of the new server...it don’t alf shift along... Bed at a completely unreasonable 1:30am. Whoops Oh well, I was having fun. The company has been mentioned in someone’s blog. Groovy. Apparently this person really likes the service creation environment and the fact we’re interactive. Go us. Up earlyish considering the time I went to bed. Fixed my puncture and made lunch, reassembled my bike, got dressed, headed to work and discovered on the way that the reason why I’ve been feeling dead when cycling the last week or so is that the front wheel is so buckled the brakes don’t fit any more. So I’ve been cycling with brakes partly on. Grr. Annoying work stuff and then I escaped at lunch to attempt to rectify the bike issue. £50 lighter I emerge from a bike shop with a shiny new wheel. Set it all up ouside the shop and then headed back to the office 1.5 hours later. Woops. So I may end up being a tad skint after all. Urg. Not 100% sure I’ll manage Brighton now, will see later in the week. Bah.