Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
Over and done with.
One present. Which was sweet. One message on here, which was also sweet. No flowers, no hugs, no kisses (Well, apart from this morning) so I go to bed alone and hug my duvet and imagine it’s the person I want it to be. I know it won’t ever be them again, have known this for a while, and that makes me sad, but it means I can move on and grow in different ways. One door shuts, another one opens. Have decided to do no alcohol for a time. I shall probably not be out as much, unless people want to do things that don’t involve bars. I mean to use my time better - writing more, writing music, writing prose. I used to be good but I’ve lost my edge. I should have freakcity beta launched this weekend too. Then I do www.circus2iraq.org to enhance the anti spam features and create a palestine blog. Then I do www.scottjoyce.net and Blue has said he’ll see if he can get me some clients. All change. I need this. I need to become strong again or I am useless to those I guide. One door shuts, another one opens. Just got fanmail from a journal reader (!!!) asking where it’d gone. It’ll be public again soon, I just don’t feel like it right now. Still too much hurt there. Finished watching Angels in America tonight. Not sure it’s the right thing I should be watching bearing in mind my frame of mind today but still, very very good. Al Pacino was amazing in it, as was the rest of the cast. Wasn’t your usual AIDS cliché story either which is good. Plus willies=good I need to work out who I lent Carnivàle to. I feel the urge to watch it again as it’s one of the most incredible pieces of television ever made. I want fricken roses, dammit
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Pondering.
And as we fall We fall together And as we die We hold each other Life is an illusion created by billions of sick minds. Physics tells us that observing something changes that something. So our perception of reality changes reality. Faith heals. Prayers are answered. There’s just enough proof to foster belief but not enough for fact. Us, looking at the world. We make it. What can one man do? Pessimist says “nothing”. Optimist says “anything”. But what is the point in any of it without faith? Belief? It doesn’t matter what you believe in, just that you do. The end is not the point of the journey, the journey is. All things are connected. People shine in their own ways. It’s why I see good in everyone, because there is good in everyone. Soaring high On wings of fire We touch the sky We journey higher We create the world around us. But so much of it is born of pain is it any wonder that it seems a harsh and unforgiving place? People are taught to be isolated, alone. Surrounded by fake friends on television that they care more about than the people close to them. Scared by the daily terror reports in the papers. Mistrusting of those in authority. Taught to have pride and to deserve respect when pride must be found and respect must be earned. We think we are better than our neighbours by virtue of just being. So we sit meekly in our boxes, losing the ability to interact. With no power. Alone, cut off from others. Trust your feelings. Reach out with them. See others for who they really are, not for what your brainwashed prejudiced mind sees. Feel. We are not alone. We rise and fall together. We love, we hate, we eat, we sleep. We are not unique in how we feel even though we are trained to believe our problems outweigh everyone else’s. Everyone is connected. A shining web, joining us all to those dear to us. There is no need to feel alone because you are not alone. In waters cool We slide deeper We float down We meet the sleeper Inside all of us there’s a willingness to be free. But it’s buried so deep it’ll never find its way out alone. Deep under the mundanity of life. Deep under the veneer of self. Id and Ego. Bad and Good. Yin and Yang. It’s in us all. If we try and be what others expect of us we are betraying ourselves. Sparkling, you reflect all of your friends. You are nothing but chosen parts of them. You pretend they are part of you. You pretend that all the fragments make a whole person. But I know that somewhere inside is you. That’s the part that feels uneasiness. That’s the part that runs scared. That’s the part that hates. That’s the part that hurts. You can either bring yourself into the light or you can stay lost in shadow. I choose shadow. And in the end It’s all lost All that matters /Is the road/
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Sleepy
David was 50 mins late. Fricken chasers, don’t know why I bother...he brought Mark out though and mogs and Alex were there too. Alex got scary hair. Alex is trying very hard to be Aslan I suspect. A bit too much beer in BarCode then 79CXR for a bit more too much beer. Went home. This valentines day is so far a bit better than last year (Dan being evil) or the year before (James wigging out when I got him a card). Should possibly have not stayed up until 4am. Made someone smile by saying “I don’t know”. Ah well. Things change. Work was ace. Wrote my first MVC application using our framework. And the error that happened meant it worked, not that I’d fucked anything up. And I did almost all of it on my own. Yay me! Few distractions that I’ll not mention save to say they confirmed something I already knew. Dammit. But hey...not my fault. Am a touch late for work. Oops. But it was fun Bleh. Spose I’ll be at Owen’s tonight fixing his PC yet again. As it’s broken Spose I’d better get on a train too...oops!