The love of loss Been listening to old bands again. This song is beautiful, bittersweet and reminds me of Mark. The lyrics are fabulous. Green eyed monster. You used to turn me on Now you just turn me away You used to make me smile Now you just make me sigh Why do I break down and cry? Tried to wear you as a jewel Chose to wear you as a bruise And I put my faith in you Now I’m walking in my own shoes Why do I break down and cry? Oh...So I’m a green eyed monster Oh yeah. Oh...So I’m a green eyed monster Yeah...Oh... Why did I break down and cry? Did I lay down to die? Oh...So I’m a green eyed monster Oh yeah. Oh...So I’m a green eyed monster Yeah...Oh... -- Rachel (whose last name I forgot. Oops!) The Rainbyrds. Lesbians rock. The Rainbyrds were the band that Holly Lerski came from of Angelou fame (and yer, she’s actually famous now). I remember them playing the common room at UEA. Them, some microphones and a mate with a box of demo tapes. Happy, yet sad. I think I’m gonna take a break from writing code and write some music this weekend. So many thoughts flying through my head, an urge to play the emotion out. Sometimes I miss being in a band, but who wants a fat 31yr old bass player anyways? Muahaha. It’s bad that Tatu is going through my head right now. The shame. Got a threehundredfuckingquid gas bill today. And the actual figure is higher because we’ve used more. Yay for my life kicking me some more in the figurative nads, just when I’m starting to pick myself up again. Thought I’d read through the old books I kept...it’s interesting to see how much I’ve not changed (aside from getting fat and hairy)...here, huggie. Have some angsty teen poetry: I just don’t want to see you Ever in my life again I just don’t want to hurt like this I don’t need it, not now I’m so confused But you still need me So I still put myself through All this pain (Sept ’92 - all I wanted for my birthday was Mark...oops...he split up with me because he changed his mind about his sexuality. Flip flop ) It’s wierd to think that no-one I know now knew me then except family. Once life was fine and sultry and shining And nice and nebulous And large and lovely Something you could Really get your Teeth into There lies the illusion! -- I just feel So cold So alone So what? — 26/10/92 -- The perfect words at the right time A vision of a dream in the right frame of mind Only the lonely will go so far as to say Maybe it’s better forever that way The trains pass by my open window frame My frame of mind not so good after all life’s games They rumble to their destinations, melody against the night I wish I was going with them, the time is right The pain that strains The mind that can’t find A question of suggestion But I don’t mind Watch as I change, a new life to unfold The old lay dying as in your arms you hold Another for whom you seem certain now And all I want to know is why and how Life’s little luxury seems to disappear And if you’re gone, there’s no-one near To hear my cries, or heal my pain I don’t want to lose, no not again The pain that strains The mind that can’t find A question of suggestion But I don’t mind And as I leave, this I know for sure That it will never be as before And I will find happiness with another Who will not drop me for some other The longest song I ever will write I have recovered from the fright of last night The fright of losing my mind and then The fright of losing my very best friend I dunno. I had music for that one too. It’s gone, along with the date I wrote it. The music was written, 17/7/93. The words the September before. I was 18 and in love with someone who was bad for me. I can still vividly remember the night. I can remember what happened. I can remember the feeling of betrayal as he invited someon