Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
Meep.
So here I am on Le DLR. Contemplating my next move. Is it all just a game? James found something interesting on a bear site yesterday, hypocrisy. All I found were fucked up chasers looking for some fun when their boyfriends were out. João once told me he was just another fucked up chaser - I told him he was different - he recognised his situation and therefore could do something about it. Been thinking maybe I’ve been too hard on him. Not sure - will contemplate this some more. I’m just not the type of person to hear a rumour about someone and not confront them with this. Things shatter. It’s better if you see the worst of someone so you can judge them more accurately and make the choice about the connection. Choices have different actions and reactions. Adam’s choice to tell David not to come back one Friday night changed my perception of him and allowed for him to batter fuck out of a sign with his hand. And because I thought it was David’s choice I showed something of myself that was old, a different way of seeing, it just slipped out in the confusion and anger. And it recognised things. I’d forgotten I could do this. My eyes are open again and now when I look around me all I see are the ties that bind me. My scars are almost gone. I feel whole again, yet different. I still have two or three things left to do that I don’t want to, but I know I must because they cripple me. I am going to start two of them today anyways - we’ll see how we do. I think I might write a book along the lines of the Darryl Reaney ones. I just need to stay awake today. And change my metabolism Speeding towards a place I hate, to do a job I dislike, I see the sun, shining golden on the bridge arches. I see beauty all around, bathing in its light and I know I’ll be out in it soon. The world seems more alive than it has done these last few weeks. I’m left with hope. We shall see. I know whatever happens I’ll be ready.
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Interesting...
Limehouse Basin is lovely I appear to have been correct in my allusion yesterday morning...hello new reader! Hope you find this fun
Now, apart from that, I got home yesterday to find the flat in a tip (for a change) and so thought I’d cook for the people who weren’t making it into a tip. And the one who pays rent. And I got the feeling people weren’t happy about it.
I start a new job in 2 weeks - so my home life needs to be stable so I can get some sleep. It’s not currently and I don’t. Certain people think nothing of staying up all night playing music and watching DVDs, cooking food at 5am loudly, going in and out (the front door is next to my bedroom) and generally treating this place like a hotel. And then they get concerned when I appear to be acting oddly towards them and maybe not giving them the same level of love and warmth that they take for granted. But of course, the problem is never to do with them, it’s either me being unreasonable or me being stressed and they just want to help me get shiny. So when I talk to them about it in harsher tones than usual, they look to everyone else for blame and act all hurt around me. Be a fucking man and just accept that what you’re doing is wrong and change it. It’s not hard is it?
Fuck it. I’m not doing that any more.
Certain lies are currently unravelling, like toilet paper thrown through the wind. It will be a revelation. Certain other lies are being sneaky and will jump up and make themselves known in the next few days. They’re the fun ones and they have nothing to do with me whatsoever. I’ll just buy popcorn and watch
Well, none of the lies have anything to do with me, I didn’t create them, I just helped propogate some to see where they’d take me and flat out ignored others. My days of hiding because of fear of my odd talent are over and I suspect I’m going to piss some people off by choosing who I wish to spend time with a little more carefully in future. Strangely enough it was Sal who stopped me last time, indirectly. He might remember what I am talking about, I shall have words later
Went to the Pops last night with James, TJ and Gaz (and other assorted gaiz). Ben was there, pissed as usual, going on about his boyfriend and some river cruise they went on. And also on about how he’d bring his boyfriend to the Swan but he’s far too pretty *snigger* - in otherwords the whole “I’m insecure, so if I mention my boyfriend 5 times a minute then people will think I’m special” thing. Always amuses me. Puts shades on and mentions “I need to wear this, flashing lights are bad for me” not remembering how I helped him and his fits at the Swan a few months ago - nor the time when he was stripping at the Amateur Strip and had a fit on stage and fell off the side. That was the time I was there with James and Peter. Am I the new Peter? I wonder if those lies have been uttered about me yet, the same ones David told me about Peter...
Not a bad turnout at the Pops. Tried to get Danny to come for amusement sakes, but no, not likely
Weird dynamic. Something happened towards the end to make me just want to leave, I could see James felt it too. Gaz just bounced off the walls a bit grinning. I swear he talked for half an hour before I could get a word in edgeways to say “hello”. It was funny, in a sick way
So yeah. Early blog today as I couldn’t sleep and thought “fuck it” I’ll write down some of the stuff in my brain for a change.
Glastonbury is the deadline I’ve set myself to finish the changes I’m making to myself. I start my new job straight afterwards. I’m going to play it straight if I can, not use any persuasion to get me in good favour with my employer - hopefully this should make my time there easier and I won’t be left wishing I could leave.
It’s an interesting experiment to disassemble your whole feelings, thoughts, emotions, morals, etc, put the