So here I am on Le DLR. Contemplating my next move. Is it all just a game? James found something interesting on a bear site yesterday, hypocrisy. All I found were fucked up chasers looking for some fun when their boyfriends were out. João once told me he was just another fucked up chaser - I told him he was different - he recognised his situation and therefore could do something about it. Been thinking maybe I’ve been too hard on him. Not sure - will contemplate this some more. I’m just not the type of person to hear a rumour about someone and not confront them with this. Things shatter. It’s better if you see the worst of someone so you can judge them more accurately and make the choice about the connection. Choices have different actions and reactions. Adam’s choice to tell David not to come back one Friday night changed my perception of him and allowed for him to batter fuck out of a sign with his hand. And because I thought it was David’s choice I showed something of myself that was old, a different way of seeing, it just slipped out in the confusion and anger. And it recognised things. I’d forgotten I could do this. My eyes are open again and now when I look around me all I see are the ties that bind me. My scars are almost gone. I feel whole again, yet different. I still have two or three things left to do that I don’t want to, but I know I must because they cripple me. I am going to start two of them today anyways - we’ll see how we do. I think I might write a book along the lines of the Darryl Reaney ones. I just need to stay awake today. And change my metabolism Speeding towards a place I hate, to do a job I dislike, I see the sun, shining golden on the bridge arches. I see beauty all around, bathing in its light and I know I’ll be out in it soon. The world seems more alive than it has done these last few weeks. I’m left with hope. We shall see. I know whatever happens I’ll be ready.