Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
I...
...am being looked at funny because of the HoffShirt. All you campers will get to see it ce soir ;)
Here’s the image ==>
or www.freakcity.net/pics/Scott6196edone.jpg for a full sized dodgily jpegged version 
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The Sun! it BURNS!
Can we keep it sunny? Well, I shall try.
Orangeness of yesterday was spectacular. Green clouds, purple clouds, blue clouds. All colours.
Work lunch yesterday. Photoshopped pic of Baywatch with my head pasted on Hoff, and the rest of the team on everyone else. Card reading “You’re Hoff” which Peter told me was meant to read “Fuck Hoff” but he wasn’t allowed that by Rach
Nice carbonara thing. Felt fat.
Tried something on the way home and got rained on immensely. Then the weirdness of the orange sky and all the rainbows. Will experiment again soon. Today is practice, tonight and the weekend are the killers...
Ran off to Lidl where I spent under a tenner on enough food to keep everyone happy for a few days. Plus steak for TJ to cheer the miserable sod up
Told him he’s coming camping or I’m kicking him out. He seemed unimpressed
So I loaded my bags up with far too much stuff (2 video cameras, one SLR, pillows! Yay! I remembered pillows! Towel, other fun things...) and escaped into the sun this morning. Tom is picking me an Teej up from Hammersmith at 5 and then we’re motoring as fast as we can to the campsite 
Being on the Tube on a Thursday with a very bulky rucksack was possibly not the cleverest thing I’ve done though
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Fuckers.
It was a fucking Hoff Tshirt. But one with a difference. I shall wear it tomorrow to scare the locals of Somerset...
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And Darkness covered the sky...
Work are plotting something for my last day tomorrow. Apparently I’ll “not forget” them. If it’s a signed Hoff tshirt I’m telling.
Met up with James and David after work in the Admiral Dunk. Horrible place. Matt was there who I used to chat to years and years ago on gay.com which was kinda interesting. Don’t know if he remembered me. A midget turned up. Boy am I glad James wasn’t *that* drunk and only sung made up midgetporn songs under his breath...
Burnt mouth on David’s chips. The bastard.
Went with him for a chat to CXR and a pint. (Decided to pause giving up drinking for a day) - then wandered home to talk to Adam. Or so I thought - he was still asleep. So hung around for a bit, then got so bored I took TJ to do karaoke at the Swan.
Entertainment! Dolly Rocket and the lovely Miss Rose Garden were there in full drag, having been working elsewhere that evening. Pissed. In very high heels. Singing showtunes. The hilarity
I sang a collection of really awful songs including “With or Without You”, “Mad World” and “First of the Gang”. Ben was there, along with a very annoying fat bloke who was so totally David’s type it’s a shame he wasn’t there so I could smirk. He told me I was very good when I sang “With or Without You”. I told him I wasn’t, I was crap. He told me I shouldn’t put myself down. I sniggered internally...
Ben appears to quite like TJ judging by the “your friend is beautiful” comment when we were at the bar. Failed to get TJ to sing, but managed to get him to smirk a bit.
Woman with arse that could feed Ethiopea won the karaoke competition and a DVD. I didn’t even get to be one of the four finalists. It was SO fixed. Bastards.
Then again, the first song I did was “Creep”, just so I could shout out “You’re so fuckin special” at Rose. Aww.
Ben disturbed me by telling me how much he fancies her and how he could just wank off whilst she’s singing. Not on the seat next to me, please...
It appears (having read TJs blog) that we might have drunk a little too much Came home, ran away to bed before TJ or anyone else could explode.
Something may have happened overnight, between the time of TJ’s blog and morning as when I woke up, there was no Adam in the flat and TJ was asleep on the sofa.
Stumbled to work. Bleh. Wrote blog, lost it in scary cockup with PDA, rewrote blog. Bah.
So don’t feel like camping right now. Mostly feel like curling up into a little ball and hiding.
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Song
they flutter behind you your possible pasts
some brighteyed and crazy some frightened and lost
a warning to anyone still in command
of their possible future to take care
in derilict sidings the poppies entwine
with cattle trucks lying in wait for the next time
do you remember me? how we used to be?
do you think we should be closer?
she stood in the doorway the ghost of a smile
haunting her face like a cheap hotel sign
her cold eyes imploring the men in their macs
for the gold in their bags or the knives in their backs
stepping up boldly one put out his hand
he said, “i was just a child then now i’m only a man”
do you remember me? how we used to be?
do you think we should be closer?
by the cold and religious we were taken in hand
shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
tongue tied and terrified we learned how to pray
now our feelings run deep and cold as the clay
and strung out behind us the banners and flags
of our possible pasts lie in tatters and rags
do you remember me? how we used to be?
do you think we should be closer?
--Roger Waters
Do you remember me? How we used to be? Do you think we should be closer?
Nah
It’s in the past. It’s best there. All we do by revisiting it over and over is realise how trapped we are by what we were.
And all the time, we fail to be who we could be
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Oh.
Hello Steve. Nice to see at least someone reads this
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*sigh*
Apparently Adam told David "wait until the morning and read my blog, I’m going to piss lots of people off"
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Shocking.
Grumpy. The whole flat kept me up until 4 fucking AM. Adam was at Windypops but didn’t talk to me. Apparently he was going to talk to me when he got in after loads of beer. A world of no. Atmosphere in the flat was killer. Joy. Gate keys failed so was stuck outside for half an hour too.
James was being pissed off, TJ was being pissed, I was being incredibly tired and David and Ed were being careful. And Adam arrived with a preconcieved and incorrect idea I wasn’t willing to explore with someone who’d been drinking all night. If he wants to talk, so be it. But he didn’t, he wanted to lecture. I was really not in the mood for another one way conversation. So I went to bed (or at least tried to).
Everyone was out when I’d got home. It was lovely. I chose to fix my soundcard (5.1 again! Yay!) and upgrade Novak to FC4. Still in the process of doing that one. Out of disk space on /usr. Oops. Might move /usr/share to hide on /var or something.
Chatted to bump and abeneplacito when I got to the ’pops. Lloyd was immensely pissed off because he wanted to come but got lumbered with babysitting. Strange atmospere. Not good. Was told off by Tony for missing the Swan’s 20th at the weekend. Oops.
TJ had fun in Blackpool (and GAY judging by the slurring sounds coming from his mouth ) and so drunkenly told us all about it. *dribble*
No idea how I’ll make it through the day awake. Have dull enough work to do as it is. Spose I can continue the upgrade.
The Sun today is awash with stories of Mick Jagger having a small cock according to Keith. Nice to see the world hasn’t ended yet...
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It’s only you who can tell me apart
+Friday+ was a horrible drunken broken mess. But fun otherwise. Received text from Adam saying he’d be home Sat. “Scott, we have much to talk about, I’m around tomorrow, it would be nice if you are around too so that we can talk, if not then I will find you another time. I hope you are well. Adam x”. Low on credit so didn’t reply. Set my broken mind tumbling to a bad place so drank even more to block it out. Oops. Really couldn’t afford that £30, now I have zero money 
Saturday I didn’t do much. Bought some food, trawled the net, chatted to pupjake James, went to XXL to meet him. Was incredibly amused by David avoiding Richard. Serves him right. Got the whole “he made me choose between him and Scott” thing again. Funny how it suited him to do that just so he could make a point of it. And then cried on me on the way home because he missed Bobby. Those were no tears for Bobby, just like he didn’t choose me over Richard. But let’s not let the truth get in the way of a good melodrama. Still, the game goes on and this way, as I explained to pupjake, I get front row seats. He seemed kinda taken aback.
I know too many Jameses. Makes my blog confusing for everyone who doesn’t know me. Which is entirely fine by me
So me, James, David, James and David were all at XXL together. You work it out.
Lights blew in XXL’s back bar. Comedy. James left Ed sat on a sofa for 2 hours, I gave him a hard time about it but it was actually quite funny. Ed fell asleep for some of it. Foolish person. How can you enjoy yourself somewhere if you expect someone else to do everything for you?
Took pupjake home to force feed him cake but sadly some bastard had eaten all of it. Got a swiss roll Sunday morning for James though which made him go all girly and embarassed. I am evil
Sunday was spent helping David watch Carnivàle and pointing out the important bits to both him and James. 7 episodes was sorta overkill. Love and hate, anger and loss, all swept over us as the time between episodes was mere seconds. I should stop people watching it so fast, it loses its gravitas. João sent me a song by HiM called “Pulling the Wings off Butterflies” or something. He’s mean.
James accidentally caused the fire brigade to be called. It was awfully amusing. And a big secret so don’t tell anyone
More chatting online. Then an early night...followed by waking up at 6am and not being able to sleep because of what I’d been told and what I could feel. Bah. J
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Another sleepless night
What is the point in all of this - in playing this game - if we are all predestined to lose at the end of it? Why am I laying awake thinking of all possible futures when that future gets shorter day by day? Have I really done what I set out to do? And what of truth? I know what I can do, but is it right? My dreams have stopped again. I am thankful. Something may have happened at Windypops on Monday to scare Adam. Reasons to believe it - sounds like truth. Reasons to disbelieve it? David told me and wouldn’t know the truth if it bit him on the fanny. Oh and James and I were there and they weren’t. Minor detail. Adam has been gone nearly a week, but is still in my mind. I can’t help him in this because he no longer trusts me. The sad thing is just that he read a situation wrong. I gave him a chance to do something different. To break free from this cycle. I have answers - but he doesn’t want to know. So he will move on and I will become the next Brian in the long line of Brians as Adam still doesn’t understand that that’s not how it should be. And that the tears he sheds are for himself, not anyone else. It starts with secrets. Those secrets at first will contain small pieces of truth. But they, understandably, are not meant for my ears. Questioning my motives, eating at my integrity. He had a bad night last night. I could feel it. The horrible truth is I will always know. How can someone hate themselves enough to self harm? Is it really to stop ourselves from hurting others? Silly question - of course it’s not, or we’d go through life not hurting others. It’s simply because our pain is private and we need people to see and understand that we are in pain. And it’s also because we feel we deserve the physical pain - we are guilty of sins that would turn every friend against us because no-one knows who we are and what we’ve done. And it makes us come alive. Gives us control over our lives. One more cut and we might end it all. The important point was point two. How can anyone know us, when the person they see is not us? When our entire reasons for being where we are are fabricated? And on cold nights where we wish for someone to care for us, to hold us, we see there’s no-one who will understand and we hate ourselves that little bit more. Ironic really as we don’t see that it’s a self perpetuating cycle that traps us - and all because we see people being loved for their pain and we feel we need that. But how can someone love us when we hate ourselves? They must love something other than us. I wonder what? Well Mr Adam. You are not a brain tumour, you are not even a dead parent, you are a Mr Adam. And if you can’t see why you can trust me now more than ever, then you are truly lost to me.
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cock
fell off the wagon, as predicted. Fell asleep on tube. ARGH 30 quid cab from Uxbridge. I hate the world
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Cor
OMFGOLOL ONE OF WESTLIFE IS GAY!!11 And in other news, the sun came up and the weather in England was shit. Day 3 of no beers. Interesting. I’m in a position right now to watch its effects on me in a way I couldn’t before - noticed my energy is higher and I’m more awake - which is a good thing. Another interesting chat with João Maybe he’ll understand - one thing he’ll hopefully have worked out is our friendship will be better for it if we sort it. Chatted some to David. He’d deleted me from MSN which was amusing - seemed not to realise CenterICQ tells you secret things like that. He’s promised not to lie to me again. I should have made him promise not to lie to himself either - that would be far more interesting. He also apologised for giving me “mixed signals” - which isn’t exactly the apology I wanted out of him, but it’s a start. He says he’s changed, so I won’t ask him to leave. I want to give him a chance to at least see if he can, even if I know different. The Daily Mail claim “Chips can increase the risk of breast cancer” is currently making me snigger. Obviously far more important than the police accidentally shooting an immigrant on purpose. Showed David half of season 1 of Carnivàle - he seemed to like the parts he was paying attention to. Had forgotten how horrible Babylon is to watch. Poor Dora Mae. Oups! Got on a circle line tube. Stupid indicators at Monument. Work was dull. The new site went live though the sales monitors were taken down so as not to scare anyone. *snigger*. They’re having a “meeting” at 5 in the Crabtree to “discuss” this. Free drinks at 5 - my leaving do at 6. James wants to do the Swan later too - I planned to come off the wagon today, for one night only, but I’m honestly not sure I want to. So we’ll see.
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Amusing poem with hidden depth
+i am cyan, and beans are green+ Jon Stable [email protected] i am cyan, and beans are green, and we all live in a yellow submarine. my shoe’s blue, and you are too, cats in raincoats sniffing glue. if you look in the book when the pawn takes rook, retaliate to check mate because goldfish can’t cook... and yes i know, that i am yellow, but i have to go- gotta work tomorrow. so can i borrow your grey volvo please? turqoise porpoise, night is white, the lampshade she knows that she is right. the turtle’s purple, and May is gray, the fridge told me a secret the telephone is gay. but if we were a tree, what would we see? i hate to delineate and the carpet agrees... and yes i’m aware that we haven’t a prayer, but i dont care if they just stare. so can i wear your purple flares please? please? please? please? please? please? please? thankyou.
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Anywhere I go, wherever I lay my hat is home...
Bad people night. Could really see the cracks in the group. Warren spent time poking one of them, not sure if he realised. But it’s all good - he’s ordered me food from Tesco because he’s naughty. Must make someone be in to accept delivery tomorrow.
Was nice to see huggie out and about. And Ollie’s coming to my leaving drinks too. Some pillars remain. Some foundations can’t be shaken. Gives me hope. link:.Owen’s also coming to my leaving do. Yay. Might invite Nikki as well just to amuse Rach
So, day two of sobriety and I managed an evening full of queens. And I did the Swan too.
Interesting conversation with João yesterday. I didn’t listen to his advice so I am stupid. He spent so long trying to get his point across that he didn’t hear what I was saying. And when I told him that you help no-one by telling them what to do he simply accused me of using “pre made” sentences. He probably thinks I read it somewhere. He told me that the game I’m playing won’t end the way I want it to - I don’t think he realised that that’s not what I’m doing, I don’t have a way I want it to end. If I knew the end I’d be manipulating others to that end. And where’s the fun in knowing the ending? I’m sure that if he took the time and effort to see me as I really am he might get it - but he thinks I’m simple trying to be complicated because he’s never looked that deep. Am happy to give it time and let him decide if he wants to be my friend or not. I understand why he’s hurt even if I don’t agree.
Gaz has decided he wants to fund the colocation of stone.freakcity.net - so #freakcity will have its own dedicated box and I can start on version 3 of the site. *smirk*
Wanderlust is subsiding. I know I can make this place into the place I want to be. I no longer need to run. My anger is gone, I need to fill the emptiness it left with the stuff that has yet to be turned into emotion. All around me I see connections. I see beauty again and feel the warmth of others. A new opportunity has opened - now I just have to wait and see who else notices
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Feet of clay
Worried about people, especially Ollie at the mo
Fade to black is still screaming round my head
My 1.1 network appears to have broken - will investigate why later - suspect a routing issue brought about by a botched auto upgrade.
Late for work by 25 minutes because of it and still no wlan. Cock.
About to make Adam’s life really suck if he doesn’t improve. Had enough. My livingroom stinks and everyone else is pissed off with cleaning when he does nothing. Teej will be ok as he’s off to Blackpool today. James might just snap, but it might do him good. He’s been a bit shat on recently and could probably use the stress relief The other two won’t be mentioned until they explain exactly why they felt the need to go through all my journals with Bobby.
Home last night - James had been tidying and I cooked and we all sat down to Carnivà and it was good. Adam arrived with David - he had money (curious) but paid me no rent. And they’d been drinking. Cheers Adam.
He went to his mum’s and David went to sleep - so all was good again. They’re really bad for each other and will work it out soon enough.
My cheque to KHRP bounced I think. Fuckers. I’d never done this now. Really is causing me a headache. Then again - if I hadn’t have spent all my money on me and David having a good time and gone to Amsterdam I’d probably be ok now. Of course that’s all my fault and nothing to do with him leading me to believe things, being manipulative and lying. Still - the signs were there and I chose to believe a lie. Which in his eyes makes it all my fault. “You only hurt yourself” - yes - finding out he had two other boyfriends whilst he was telling me how much he cares about me was my fault for looking - right? After he used the “you only hurt yourself” line I told him I was going to bed - he said “it’s because you didn’t like what I said” - I replied with “no, it’s because I absolutely disagree with what you said”.
So the game continues. When he was at Peter’s he conspired with Peter’s flatmates - only went out with them - unaware that everything he told Anthony went back to Peter. I had to help him get out of there because it was bad and “Peter is not my friend” - so I paid for his ticket to Amsterdam (he promised to pay me back) as he was going to live there for a few months to look after his mother. 2 weeks later I went out to visit him (unaware when I arrived that he already had at least 2 boyfriends and that one had stayed there with him in a hotel the weekend before) and paid for pretty much everything we did (cept a few drinks in a bar he got for us by snogging a bloke when he thought I wasn’t looking) and then got him back again. And as soon as we’re back I find out he’s shagging someone else. On top of the various boyfriends. So now I’m the one who’s not his friend, I’m the one who’s in the wrong, I’m the one who he needs to get out of the home of and guess what? Someone is buying him a ticket out of here. Doubtless he told them he’d pay them back too.
Not that I’m bitter, see, I’ve just had enough of lies in my life. I need to write this down to get it out and get it gone. I dunno. Might be hard on him if he reads it, but it was his choices that led me here and every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
It’ll all be over soon anyways - I’ve changed, I’m not the same person. I just have to wait and see who I will have with me in this fun thing called life.
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Meep.
So here I am on Le DLR. Contemplating my next move. Is it all just a game? James found something interesting on a bear site yesterday, hypocrisy. All I found were fucked up chasers looking for some fun when their boyfriends were out. João once told me he was just another fucked up chaser - I told him he was different - he recognised his situation and therefore could do something about it. Been thinking maybe I’ve been too hard on him. Not sure - will contemplate this some more. I’m just not the type of person to hear a rumour about someone and not confront them with this.
Things shatter. It’s better if you see the worst of someone so you can judge them more accurately and make the choice about the connection. Choices have different actions and reactions. Adam’s choice to tell David not to come back one Friday night changed my perception of him and allowed for him to batter fuck out of a sign with his hand. And because I thought it was David’s choice I showed something of myself that was old, a different way of seeing, it just slipped out in the confusion and anger. And it recognised things. I’d forgotten I could do this. My eyes are open again and now when I look around me all I see are the ties that bind me.
My scars are almost gone. I feel whole again, yet different. I still have two or three things left to do that I don’t want to, but I know I must because they cripple me. I am going to start two of them today anyways - we’ll see how we do.
I think I might write a book along the lines of the Darryl Reaney ones.
I just need to stay awake today. And change my metabolism
Speeding towards a place I hate, to do a job I dislike, I see the sun, shining golden on the bridge arches. I see beauty all around, bathing in its light and I know I’ll be out in it soon. The world seems more alive than it has done these last few weeks. I’m left with hope. We shall see. I know whatever happens I’ll be ready.
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Interesting...
Limehouse Basin is lovely I appear to have been correct in my allusion yesterday morning...hello new reader! Hope you find this fun
Now, apart from that, I got home yesterday to find the flat in a tip (for a change) and so thought I’d cook for the people who weren’t making it into a tip. And the one who pays rent. And I got the feeling people weren’t happy about it.
I start a new job in 2 weeks - so my home life needs to be stable so I can get some sleep. It’s not currently and I don’t. Certain people think nothing of staying up all night playing music and watching DVDs, cooking food at 5am loudly, going in and out (the front door is next to my bedroom) and generally treating this place like a hotel. And then they get concerned when I appear to be acting oddly towards them and maybe not giving them the same level of love and warmth that they take for granted. But of course, the problem is never to do with them, it’s either me being unreasonable or me being stressed and they just want to help me get shiny. So when I talk to them about it in harsher tones than usual, they look to everyone else for blame and act all hurt around me. Be a fucking man and just accept that what you’re doing is wrong and change it. It’s not hard is it?
Fuck it. I’m not doing that any more.
Certain lies are currently unravelling, like toilet paper thrown through the wind. It will be a revelation. Certain other lies are being sneaky and will jump up and make themselves known in the next few days. They’re the fun ones and they have nothing to do with me whatsoever. I’ll just buy popcorn and watch
Well, none of the lies have anything to do with me, I didn’t create them, I just helped propogate some to see where they’d take me and flat out ignored others. My days of hiding because of fear of my odd talent are over and I suspect I’m going to piss some people off by choosing who I wish to spend time with a little more carefully in future. Strangely enough it was Sal who stopped me last time, indirectly. He might remember what I am talking about, I shall have words later
Went to the Pops last night with James, TJ and Gaz (and other assorted gaiz). Ben was there, pissed as usual, going on about his boyfriend and some river cruise they went on. And also on about how he’d bring his boyfriend to the Swan but he’s far too pretty *snigger* - in otherwords the whole “I’m insecure, so if I mention my boyfriend 5 times a minute then people will think I’m special” thing. Always amuses me. Puts shades on and mentions “I need to wear this, flashing lights are bad for me” not remembering how I helped him and his fits at the Swan a few months ago - nor the time when he was stripping at the Amateur Strip and had a fit on stage and fell off the side. That was the time I was there with James and Peter. Am I the new Peter? I wonder if those lies have been uttered about me yet, the same ones David told me about Peter...
Not a bad turnout at the Pops. Tried to get Danny to come for amusement sakes, but no, not likely
Weird dynamic. Something happened towards the end to make me just want to leave, I could see James felt it too. Gaz just bounced off the walls a bit grinning. I swear he talked for half an hour before I could get a word in edgeways to say “hello”. It was funny, in a sick way
So yeah. Early blog today as I couldn’t sleep and thought “fuck it” I’ll write down some of the stuff in my brain for a change.
Glastonbury is the deadline I’ve set myself to finish the changes I’m making to myself. I start my new job straight afterwards. I’m going to play it straight if I can, not use any persuasion to get me in good favour with my employer - hopefully this should make my time there easier and I won’t be left wishing I could leave.
It’s an interesting experiment to disassemble your whole feelings, thoughts, emotions, morals, etc, put the
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Coo...
10 people have viewed my journal since I posted it about an hour ago.
Maybe I should become a writer if I’m that in demand
I forgot to mention the dodgy pr0nfest we had on Saturday because we were bored. German skinheads being shagged by people in gasmasks and rubber suits to cries from the sofa of “Are you my Daddy?” and much cackling.
Midget porn outtakes. Some woman who looks like she has downs syndrome getting her tits out for a very ugly man. And comedy Japanese porn with an amazing screaming woman thing. That was just WRONG. I really can’t explain how wrong it was.
*cackle*
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Random.
Kieran & Kris by me Chilled weekend. Went out Friday night - ended up at Retro meeting Will and Warren for discussion around how things are moving in odd ways. Will departed, I abused my creditcard a little, then went home, collected TJ and dragged him to the Swan to chill out. Too much beer. Bumped into Kieran (who Owen took to my last birthday thing at the Swan). Passed out in my chair. Oops.
Up Saturday, hangover. Chatted online for a bit and then went to Kings Cross to meet James from the station. Circle, Hammersmith and City and Met all dead so had to get the bus to Kings Cross. James wasn’t really in the best of moods, but that was ok because nor was I and we just bitched lots about stuff. Apparently he made some French children cry because he shouted at them when they kicked his seat lots. *giggle*
Home. Watched the rest of The Inside. Was very impressed. Stupid Fox
Considered going out for a bit but couldn’t really afford it. Invited Warren over instead. Played with some bloke on msn a bit who apparently “really likes me” even though we’ve only spoken like twice or something. He accused me of lying to him about stuff (which I hadn’t). Gave up and went to watch Telly in the other room with food. James took over and had a deep and meaningful conversation with him about how I really cared about him (I don’t) and how he was sorry how things were. Bloke said he’d have to block me because it was all too painful for him (having had 2 conversations with me on MSN ever). *sigh*. He’s 18 FFS, I don’t (cept Dan, but that’s different 
) go for 18 yr olds...
Very sleepeh. Went to bed at 3ish I think.
Up earlyish on Sunday. Photoshoot. Couple of guys, Kris and Kieran have just got a deal in LA so wanted some promo shots to go out and do stuff with. I know their producer, Blue, so I said “hell yeah” It was fab fun - I’d done photos of Kris before, so he knew me, not done Kieran before but he was a natural, just looked moody and fab. We had a makeup artist with us who was making them look like they’d been in a fight, some of the pics came out incredibly well. Fiona, the makeup person, managed to fall off her makeup suitcase backwards whilst we were doing pics as well which made us all snigger muchly.
Back to the flat just in time for torrential rain. Kris was amused by how many people are staying with me at the moment. I just told him we slept on top of each other in a great big gay orgy. Chucked them a CD with the raw images, will see which ones they like and process them as and when.
Warren did my tarot. As expected, not so good. But there was a strong positive opposing the badness. But the badness wasn’t the usual badness that is associated with me. He seemed troubled by it. Hugged him lots.
James looked like he was going to kill people, I knew Danny would be in town and I wanted Carnivale back, so I combined the two and dragged James to Halfway to snigger at some absoulutely appalling karaoke. Danny mentioned that William had popped in and then fucked off to the batcave and so I dragged James there for a couple of beers and then to Chandos to lounge around on huge leather sofas.
Random black bloke comes up to me and says “I thought I’d say hello, I’ve seen you online many times and talked to you before”. In a straight bar. Erp. We both thought he was going to sell us Jesus. He went away again.
Chatted to James lots about what I’m going to be getting up to with Warren in Glastonbury. Told him I’d take him there some time soon as I’d like him to see what he thinks of it. I think he’ll “get” it too and understand why I like the place.
Back home to try and finish KHRP work. Discovered some stuff was very broken and tried to fix it only to realise I had to download the whole feckin site again because I did something wrong. Got up early this morning so as to fix it and do the updates I need to do to discover<
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10 comments.
The thirteenth way
Spread out in front of me are a myriad futures, some similar, some different. Each branches outwards, the branch branches, the whole of creation is thick with time. Some loop back some loop forward, some are pretty, some are dark. But almost all of them come to an end soon. And I don’t know why.
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1 comment.
I...
...shaved my own head yesterday. And it sorta looks ok
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Unforgiven
Goodness. I’m on a tube and it’s being delayed. Who’d have thought?
I still have the urge to write down everything in my head but it’s less so now. I am finding the pieces of me inside here that I can mend what is broken. Feeling stronger every day.
Work do Weds at Kew Gardens. FAR too much champagne and Stella and White Wine and shite. Not literal shite though - Told Peter the real reason I was late the week before and he almost fell off his chair laughing. Managed to behave I think - don’t remember a great deal.
Coach back to the office got us to Hammersmith at 12:15am which was a little fucking pointless. So. Peter and I negotiated with the coach driver to get a lift to Tower Bridge. Ooh, I thought. Southwark Street. XXL. Yummy
Staggered to the Swan for almost 2. Sulked at Liam until he let me in. Found everyone. Stayed up until 5am chatting to Adam. Too many questions unanswered.
Woke up with an exceedingly painful and red eye so didn’t go to work as PC screens and brightness really hurt lots. Sat online lots. Was meant to be going out with David in the evening but he was being rubbish so lloyd came over and we did the bear night together. Rah! Explained to lloyd where things are with David - think it surprised him. Maybe I’ll make someone confront him about it. Maybe I’ll do it myself. Maybe I’ll leave it for him to work out. I just know that when he does, it will of course all be my fault
He told me the other day that he’d not been the one to hurt me and that I’d been the one who hurt myself. Revisionism is so a trait I look for in a man. Not.
Bear night was pretty fucking shite anyways. Only about 5 people there. Went home to let the rather late David in and played music lots. Dragged out my keyboard and showed Lloyd a load of stuff, then got pizza, watched Buffy a bit and went to bed. Urgh. Got to sleep at about 4am - oops...
And today’s song comes courtesy of Metallica. Unforgiven.
New blood joins this earth
And quickly he’s subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules
With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man strugggles on and on he’s known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they’ll take away
Chorus
What i’ve felt
What i’ve known
Never shined through in what i’ve shown
Never be
Never see
Won’t see what might have been
What i’ve felt
What i’ve known
Never shined through in what i’ve shown
Never free
Never me
So i dub thee UNFORGIVEN
They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please then all
This bitter man he is
Throughout his life the same
He’s battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me
Chorus
You labeled me
I’ll label you
So i dub thee UNFORGIVEN
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Beautiful sympathy
My heart, my love I am yours for all time My heart, my love It is yours now What I get in return Is nothing short of surprising Is nothing But it’s all fine My heart, my love I am going soon I will miss you My love
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1 comment.
Spinning wheels in the mire
I’m on the old person’s bus again. I should really remember to get the bus before 9 when their freedom passes aren’t valid. The Sun beats all previous stupid headline records with “Victor Meldrew found in space”. Chris Morris turns once again in his grave. Or he would do if he is dead. The world around us continues to loop through space, waiting, expectant. None of us know what is coming, only that it is big. Warren seems to think it might just be something that affects only us but I’m not so sure. It seems I’ve already started to lose friends - as I predicted a couple of posts ago - I hope João will come around but I don’t think he will - he is too stubborn and still doesn’t know me as well as he might think. David failed to be home last night so I watched Children of Dune with Teej and updated bits of libby. Now I have the beautiful soundtrack swirling through me. We are all just melodies in this great single song of creation and destruction - this uni-verse. It’s why music has the power to move souls in a way nothing else does. The great dischord is approaching - I can feel its precursors spinning through me. I sit still and quiet and it all feels wrong. It all feels dead. But I can’t see what it is. Sure, I can speculate but I don’t know for certain. And it’s scaring me. I just want to know - I need to know which path to take. Or I’ll just keep spinning wheels in the mud - going nowhere fast. Lost starts tonight. Watch it (for at least the first few episodes) as it’s quite good... /"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."/
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2 comments.
Considering this
I am responsible for my own actions. If I am wrong then I am wrong, I freely admit it. Why do other people shower everyone around them with blame? And why can’t people when they lie just admit to it instead of taking it out on the accuser. Glastonbury’s Isle of Avalon camp site should have received my letter today. Rochelle received her cheque today. Today my account explodes. Warren also feels Adam might run. It’s a bad place to be in. I need an HIV test and it’s scaring the shit out of me.
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1 comment.
What is the point in truth if it can’t be used?
Why tell someone something that could damage another person without telling them why or how? What is the point in living a life filled with rumour and gossip. And where is the use in keeping all your eggs in seperate insulated boxes
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1 comment.
Way to go Tone...
“Radical Cleric leaves Britain” screams the front page of the Metro. Yay - you just simultaneously made a martyr out of him whilst making yourself unaware of what he’s doing...plus the guy that left is (I think/feel) the one that said “Blame Blair for the bombings” which isn’t radical, it’s just fact. Strangeness abounds. Talked with Warren about the thing I sense coming - he senses it too but neither of us are sure what it is other than big and bad. Talked with James a bit about stuff too. footle had a haircut *faint* Looking forward to camping - Just waiting for confirmation from the site. Told David a secret. Don’t know if there was any point but it felt right. So fuck it. I can still slip into the old me enough for him to recognise it - but I don’t know if he sees how far from him I really am - which is probably a good thing.
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1 comment.
Everything turns, even the worms
Aww. Pwetty picture Spinning around in my head is the notion to escape. The notion that great people are doing great things around me and all I need to do is stand up and make my voice heard. I close my eyes and see the people I missed for so long. I feel alive, I feel new again, but I feel out of place. This life that has kept me secure and warm for so long no longer seems to fit. I need to change it as I needed to change myself.
I have started with a new job. I need a new place to live too. And I need some new friends. Some of my old friends will come with me but not many, this I know. I am concerned that a couple that won’t come with me are very very close friends but I have to do what I can do for myself, not for anyone else. This is my deal, no-one can help me, they can merely reach out for me when I need them, hold me and let me be weak for a time in their arms.
The world is changing around me and I’m seeing its patterns in a new way that I hadn’t before. It’s startling and brilliant. Surprising and scary, in the way only something bigger than everything else could be. Regardless of all the shit that happened, David did do one good thing for me. He woke me up.
Friday opened my eyes to a few things that I knew as fact before the event. It was quite interesting. Mixed in with the lies were truths about a few things, was nice to get confirmation. The excuses were typically clutching at straws and the reasons for the actions weren’t as true as the person telling me believed them to be, but that’s his business now. I’m not sure if he realises yet how different things are now. He will. And he will adapt or he will not be my friend, just like the rest. David told me he got a job at Hägen Dazs. And he said he’d got it on his own and without the boss fancying him. Heh.
I need chocolate. And they’ve run out of nice sweetie things. Bah.
So, after a little practice and a bit of a rough start I can move between moods in a way I never used to be able to. I can switch my depression off, I can go from deep to flippant in half a sentence and I suspect I can probably annoy people far more intricately than I used to be able to.
I’m also slowly remembering the things I used to be capable of. Slowly finding that I can still achieve what I used to do. It’s just like riding a bike, I just haven’t done it in years.
My writings are more coherent, my throught processes faster. I no longer feel asleep all day long. I can manage to stay focussed better and I am sharper.
I bought berocca as I’ve been too long without it and my health is wobbling due to lack of sensible eating habits. This should make my body stronger and give me more energy.
Saturday I had a tiny bit of a hangover. I spent the day contemplating how to remove myself from this hole I’m in. Piece by piece, is the general wisdom my brain tells me. So I spent some time creating what will be my new photography website. I need to finish it soon though and see if I can sell on it. David who was skint popped out “on my own” to Hägen Dazs and somehow managed to return with money, fags and having been drinking cocktails all afternoon. Took Teej, James and me to the Swan for ChavFest ’05 but got horribly bored and came home. Showed David Gattaca, although he sat through the whole thing wrapped in a ball. He claimed he was ok but really was doing his best to hold everything in. It was strange.
Sunday I was up fairly early. Considered doing some work on Kris’s pages but was having a very depression filled day so didn’t really want to do anything at all. Made myself sort out some kitchen and some bedroom and then take TJ out for a photoshoot. Little pieces of my flat going right lead me up and out of the hole. Came back and finished cooking the pork I’d started before we went out. Wanted to show Teej the Children of Dune thing but I can’t find it. I blam
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2 comments.
The power of goodbye
More surreal dreams, not entirely sure I remember any part of the dream. I remember being stabbed because I chose to distract some bad people from their existing victim (who got away). I also remember feeling entirely sure I was in control until I was stabbed - when I realised I wasn’t in control at all. So yes, my brain is being very obvious in its metaphors. Thanks brain. Work was dull. Slept at my desk some, don’t think anyone noticed much. Left at 6 as I was meant to be meeting David at home, but he wasn’t answering his phone so just went home and chilled a bit. Sat online chatting, then went with moggy to Lidl for some classy shopping. Bought a little too much and staggered home with it all. Am alarmed by how skint I am - but also by how much money various people owe me. Got back in, James was back pretending to be sober. Har. Was bitching coz someone had nicked a packet of his fags. Suspected that he’d go ballistic if it was Adam but not care if it was David - a suspicion that I believe was right...he went out to see Trevor Chatted to ukteen from Out for a bit as he messaged me on MSN to say hello - he’s dirrrty... David staggered in just after 11 pissed. Ta for turning up for dinner. I had a packet of quavers for dindins and then bed. Apparently his phone had been stolen and so he’d decided to get pissed on free drinks. When I told him nothing was ever free he told me Mark had paid. I told him he had a lot to learn and he replied with “whatever”. Hur Early night but still felt knackered when I woke up. Chatted to David (who slept on beanbags again - I wouldn’t mind but he seems to soak up people’s bad habits when he spends time with them as well as getting energy - James’ bear obsession and Adam’s unreliability) and James who was preparing to go to Italy for a weekend break. Lucky cow. Shleepeh. Dan wants to go out later to Chariots, so might do that. Meeting David @ Retro @ 7 - if he remembers to turn up today... Why have I been dreaming more lately? I’ve cut out caffeine in an attempt to make myself sleep better, but I’ve been sleeping less and having far more interesting dreams since - am I the only person in the world for whom caffeine is a soporific? My mind wanders more and more these days. Does that mean that soon I’ll be off floating around the clouds until I realise I can’t find my centre anymore and can’t get back? Will I meet more like me, floating amongst the clouds? Or will I just believe I am floating, talking to everyone I know. I already have waking dreams where I’m not sure which is truth and which is my imagination - will this final step put me in the funny farm forever? Or am I too engrained in myself to let go enough to stray that far. Tune in next week for the exciting conclusions...
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1 comment.
About last night
one of the pics I took of Dan at the weekend So last night I had the most amazingly surreal dreams. They included fragments from locations in other dreams (there’s a whole city in my head, it features quite often) - this was in the night club in the city - downstairs there were big silver shiny doors which you could travel through and into a sauna. The floor was flooded and the whole place was lit green, tiled floor and tiled seats with metal mesh dividers with hooks for clothes. I walked through the water to the far end and the hatchway where there was a man. I asked him a question - a dog ran past me and into the room with the man in. It startled me.
The man got undressed and proceeded to let the dog lick parts of him - gradually, like zombies, the rest of the people in the sauna seemed to join him. I left...
I was suddenly with friends, it was snowing, we’d been out together and one of them (the one I liked) had pulled a guy just so we could get a lift home. The one I liked looked suspiciously like Darryl which is strange as I’ve not seen him in about four years.
We got in the car, I dozed, then I woke up and realised we were at the other guy’s place, not at my place. I was upset but accepted it and went in.
I woke up and the house was quiet. I couldn’t tell if the guy sat in front of me was the one that the one I liked had gone off with and I was very tired. I knew that it was 7am and I had to be at work very soon and I couldn’t find anyone to help me. I needed people to be quick but they all lethargically wandered around telling me that sure they’d do this for me, give me a lift home, find the one I like, etc but then they’d wander off and not do it.
Then I woke up.
There was more but it’s faded. I wanted to run through and type it all when I awoke but my computer was in a room being occupied by David and Matt and I didn’t want to disturb them. Or something.
Sometimes I feel like all the answers are held within me if only I could find the key. Sometimes I feel like I am the crux, the fulcrum, and that all my choices are leading me to a point in time. What comes beyond that I don’t know.
Was late to work yesterday on account of Dan being silly with a pair of handcuffs and my shorts/phone/wallet. Tsk. Love him to bits but he ain’t half a handful when he doesn’t get his way - really dull day at work. Finished and headed to Retro, was meeting James for a drink - we went to the KA and drank beer, chatted, took the piss out of people, etc. I’ve missed him lots, blessim...told him I needed to find a new man and he just said “not yet” which is probably sensible. He’s worried about me seeing Dan again as Dan is a tad unpredictable, but I think it’ll be ok.
It comes down to something when I have to spend time with Dan because his life is calmer than mine and I can hide at his.
Need to make people stop treating my flat like a hotel. Was woken up (again) by Adam coming in late after drinking. I start a new job in less than a month and I need my head sorted by then and I *can’t* do it in this environment. So words will be said. Harsh words. Because the only people who can help me are the ones who aren’t part of the problem and certain people really need to understand this.
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1 comment.
Truth Appears
Truth appears, unveiled behind a construct of mirrors and mime I don’t know why I feel poetical in my blogs of late Maybe it’s because I like the rhythm Or because pretentiousness has consumed my soul Small things appear and dissappear in time with your feelings Parts of the outside break in time to the music of your heart Twisted metal scars, thought healed long ago Reappear fresh as daisies in the spring Slowly the worm turns, the ancient becomes young again Slowly the heart burns, the lessons of the past forgotten And slowly I realise I’ve been here before And I know what to do Thought I might enjoy a break, didn’t realise it’d be my heart Wanted more than I could take, wasn’t aware what it was I craved Left you all standing in surprise, whilst I stride on The pain flowing away from me like a river I’m sorry you were caught in it but I needed out
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1 comment.
One door closes...
...and another one opens.
I will continue, safe in the knowledge that it is right.
Others may not agree, but they are wrong
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7 comments.
Woah
Spent the weekend at Dan’s to escape from the madness in my flat plus the madness in my head. Dan and Gaz are the only ones who are actually helping at the moment as everyone else is just part of the problem. So saw him Saturday and chilled out and watched a film. The Girl Next Door was really quite good considering I was expecting it to be crap - Dan’s new place is nice. A mess, but nice hehe. Least his shower works right and his ceiling isn’t collapsing...tho my bed’s nicer
Took loads of pics of him, some of which are really cool.
Up earlyish on Sunday, bought food in Tesco (tho Dan kept setting off his monkey and wandering around with a chimp sounding backpack which was funny). The monkey is cute tho Cue spanking the monkey jokes and hilarity. Cooked Chicken Kiev and ovenchips for him in an attempt to placate his ulcer which seemed to work ok until he ate a sausage roll and felt sick. Tried explaining he shouldn’t eat fatty foods but he never listens hehe.
So very tired of life. I feel like I’ve not got a purpose any more. Everything I do seems to go wrong or occur differently to expected.