As responsible citizens, we have to choose between public rights and public protection, which is why I propose that anyone who looks like Hazel Blears, the Home Office minister, should be stopped and searched by the police. Some innocent people may be caught in the net but we can’t risk her launching further attacks upon our liberties. I also believe we should forcibly attempt to remove the wasp or bee that she appears to be chewing. My other fantastic plan is to run scientific experiments to test the logic of some of our more popular expressions. For example: “Britain is full up - we can’t have any more people coming in.” Those who believe that will be placed in the middle of Dartmoor with no phone, money or survival kit and told: “Seek help from the first person you encounter.” Another example is: “Guns don’t kill people; people do.” Those who believe that statement will be divided into two groups. One will be attacked by people wielding AK-47s and the second by people wielding other people, like clubs, in an aggressive manner. The survival ratio should give us a pretty good clue as to the truth of the original statement. If guns don’t kill people, why does the Ministry of Defence give them to the army? Surely, we’d be better off arming our troops with jellyfish and catapults. At least that way our boys could cause a nasty sting. And given a good bit of elastic they could cover 50, maybe 60, metres. Mark Thomas writing for some awful rag or other...