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Hugzee’s blog
The ramblings of a mildly incoherent mind...
So
I did go to bed at 9, complete with severe stomach cramps. Tossed n turned most of the night and woke up when the alarm went off at 6.30 this morning. Still felt shit so thought’ fuck that’ and went back to sleep. Called the boss and told him I wouldn’t be in about 9 this morning. Not sure whether it’s a good thing to be at home as I’ve just layed on the sofa all day. I now have daytime TV on - EEK! Who on earth is that woman with the fucking stoopid squeaky voice who’s regressing Toyah?
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Marmite
Gah, I feel dreadful. I didn’t feel very well this morning but as usual got up and plodded to work.
I’ve felt really tired all day (no it’s not a hangover), and then my left eye went all bloodshot and started stinging like mad. It still feels really sore though I don’t know if it’s still red as I don’t often stare in the mirror.
Now I have excruciating stomach ache.
Someone pass me a blunt instrument
I know it’s not even 9 yet, but I think I may just go to bed and shut this miserable day away.
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Rubber band girl
I want broadband damnit, not the rusty baked bean can and piece of soggy string that currently connects me via dial-up. I have attempted to lock horns with BT who have supplied the property next door with BB (at the behest of the London Stock Exchange - mighty muscle) but continue to tell me that they can’t provide it to this property. This despite the fact that all the lines are in one huge bundle and split off at a distibution box a few metres outside my window. I wonder how far I’ll get.
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Sunday, bloody Sunday
I feel tired - perhaps jaded might be a better description. Yesterday was nice, having lunch with aziraphale and then sitting out by the canal with other gayers (some of them from here) and chatting - it finished all too soon though and I had to come home and head out for work in the pub. I’d sort of, hell no I had arranged to meet a guy this morning, but he was a no-show. Why does that always happen to me? Headed over to a family thing this afternoon (nephew’s birthday) and then came home. Nice to see family but it kinda makes me sad - for what’s not there any more I guess. I’ve just used the BT website to complain about them being unable to provide me with a BB enabled line when the property next door has one (and has since Xmas Eve 2004 - about the time they were telling me I couldn’t). I look forward to seeing what they come up with. Now I’m sat here thinking that I really need to sort my head out, but I really don’t know where to start. I’m not sure about shoulders to cry on either, I don’t like burdening people. I may talk to one of my friends about proper ‘professional’ help (as she’s been through it. I also have a friend who has a friend who’s a counsellor so she might be able to point me in some sort of direction.
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Wind beneath my wings
Despite coming offline at 7 and thinking I’d head straight to the chester mid-week mini-posse I never actually got there. Instead I had to do my angel of mercy dash to a friend in Whitchurch. Ex-bf trouble, which I won’t bore you with, but the guy is a complete cunt, and I don’t use that word lightly.
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Grind
Gah, despite staying late after getting back into the office on Friday afternoon I’ve just realised exactly how much work has piled up during two and a half days out of the place. I wanted to leave early to go to the cinema too
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Star
Asleep in my arms the man of my dreams. A time without care, so peaceful it seems. I wake from my dreams with that beautiful face asleep in my arms, just empty space.
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Don’t make a wave
Gah, the chair I’m sat on here in front of the PC feels as though it’s on a boat bobbing up and down in an ocean swell.
I’d close my eyes and try to take a nap, except that then I might hurl. I hope it settles down a bit before bedtime
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Kite
So, I am just returning from a three-day trip to Karlsruhe. Very hot, no air-conditioning in the office, but very pleasant. It was good to go to my first user-group meeting, examine the roadmap for future development, have my say on why the software is so bad along with everyone else - oh yes, a nice big bunch of like-minded people, all out for blood and all moaning about the same things I’m moaning about. Perhaps I’m not too mad after all. Took a walk in the park last evening. It was full of cute German boys, mostly with their tops off. If I go back, I need a guide to take me round and show me cute German gayers.
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Warning may cause drowsiness
So, I ended up back at my GP’s surgery last Thursday. “What can I do for you today?” “Well I was here just over four weeks ago, saw the locum GP but the tablets he gave me for my Menieres have had no effect.” “Right let’s take a look at his notes. Ah, I can see the problem, he’s only given you an 8mg dose and you should be on 16mg. This medication is probably the best out there for relieving your symptoms. I’ll do you another prescription and I’ll put on two repeats so that if you feel you need more then you can just get it without waiting for another appointment. How is the tinnitus?” “Absolutely terrible, I can hear it all the time. No matter what I’m doing or what’s going on around me it’s there. You do get used to it though.” “Have you ever had any hearing tests done?” “No. I was simply diagnosed in my GP’s surgery in Cambridge about 8 years ago, never had any tests done for it though.” “Ah right, I’ll refer you to ENT at Chester, hopefully they’ll be able to see quite quickly. There are some good tinnitus maskers around these days.” So, stronger meds, and a referral to the hospital - sounds a bit better than my visit of (now) 5 weeks earlier.
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Vroom
I went to London, ate a bit, drank lots (not like me).
Battersea heliport didn’t seem that easy to find, despite our driver saying they’d done a ‘dry run’ to see how long it took (only about 10 mins) but I think he got a bit flustered when I realised my coleague didn’t have any photo-id and I had to ask him to go back to the hotel so we could get it.
Our party of 10 was split into 6 and 4, and I went in the front of the smaller chopper. I loved every moment of our 40 minute flight, including the circling over Kew awaiting ATC instructions.
Once landed at Silverstone we jumped into cars driven by volunteers and whisked off to our hospitality suite. The Red Arrows did a spectacular display, we just had time for lunch and a couple of drinks and then it was time for the race.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt anything like it, being a huge F1 fan for so many years must play a part in the way I felt as the cars thundered past on the first lap - then crawled past on the second lap behind the safety car as Sato’s stricken BAR was ‘rescued’. It was very difficult to know exactly what was going on, though radio Silverstone helped a bit. Having said that I found the atmosphere superb and the whole thing very exciting.
We ate more, drank lots more (I think I prob drank more this weekend then I have for the past two months). Then it was back to the helipad and we were returned to Battersea.
All in all a wonderful weekend, our hosts could not have paid us any more attention or looked after us any better. I’ve asked them if we can do Monaco next season
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Scissors
A snippette of a letter I sent to someone a long time ago: “I thought that this was gonna be easy! Huh, nothing ever is. Perhaps I shouldn’t even be writing this, it will probably contain things that you don’t want to hear anyway. However, I feel I have to, to try to either get on with my life or try to make you part of it. I miss you, hell I miss you a lot. Sometimes sitting there, wanting to pick up the phone and dial, but you won’t be there. You never are. Emotion is one of the many things that we’ve never talked about. I don’t have an inkling of the way you feel about me, I just know that I’m in love with you. There, I’ve said it know, not ‘I love you’, but ’I’m in love with you’ - or at least written it” I sat on a beach writing that letter, so many years ago now it seems. It made me cry then and now it’s made me cry all over again. I know that despite how unhappy I was with my pseudo-relationship I would welcome him back with open arms if he even glanced in my direction again. Low self-expectation indeed.
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Veni, vidi, whatever
So I went to Slimming World’s Man of the year conpetition yesterday. ’Twas a nice day out, scrummy lunch was provided and I got a nice looking (no idea what it tastses like) bottle of champers as a gift (well we all did). Sadly didn’t get through the the final as I had no ‘hook’ (some of them were real tear-jerkers) but the guy who won was nice enough. For me though, my weight-loss ‘journey’ has all been about being (at least a little) healthier and feeling better being me (yeah you may think my journals are bad now but I’ve felt much, much worse). Yeah the money would have been nice but at the end of the day it ain’t everything. Oh look it’s Monday morning, just where did my weekend go?
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stocking tops n lemonyade
Bleurgh!
I’ve been worrying about the ‘futility’ of it all tonight. I don’t know why but I blame Batman Begins.
What is it all about? I was born, I am growing old and I will die. Does that matter? Does anything matter? Sorry no more questions.
But I still feel it’s all futile. I am directionless and alone (and will probably remain so for the rest of my life).
I’m not sure if I want to be young again, that’s all water under the bridge and is almost certainly tinted through rose coloured spectacles. Perhaps I want to feel how I think I felt when I was younger.
I think I’m wallowing in self-pity and I don’t know how to stop