AdamAlarming, blonde, comical, dizzy, evil, feculating, gratuitous, handsome, intellectual, jolly, kitten-ish, lovely, morish, nonse, opulant, precious, queen, ravisher, shopper, tall, undeniable, verocious, wanker, xenophobe, yellowed, zany; is how the alphabet would describe me

Bingowings’s blog

Deconstruction and denial

Wednesday September 14th, 2005 at 2:55am

Sad, disappointed and alone. Not matter who or how many people are around me, all I feel is sad, disappointed and alone. I can’t seem to feel any other way right now over issues I thought I’d overcome, I hate it when I’m wrong, especially about myself. I can’t live through other people, but that’s all I have to do, nothing I do for me is for me, but for the expectations people hold on me. Job-hunting because it’s expected, don’t get me wrong, I want a job, badly want a job, just one other thing to focus on, but I have lost motivation for finding one. Smiling because people expect me to, because it’s ingrained in me that I can’t be anything else but happy around people. Facing each day with the same old perspective no matter how I try to look at the world. Escapism fails me now, there is nowhere I can go, even for a few hours, to escape how I feel inside, or even to escape who I have to look in the mirror everyday. I often wonder if I affect anyone’s life, if anyone would even care if I disappeared never to surface again. I know deep down people would notice, would care, but the thought is inescapable, my thoughts, I’m living for other people, living through them because of it. I can’t because it’s breaking me. I can’t point my finger at a specific point or issue, but still I feel I’m living through other people. I always had a dream, a goal, it was within sight, that’s all I ever wanted, all I ever saw. Now because of my circumstance, it’s gone, in the blink of an eye, everything I knew, was familiar with, working towards and working well, has gone. I miss that dream so much now, because all I see when I think about it is disappointment and it’s not even my fault that it is gone. It just is. People want me alive...why? Are they as selfish as I’m feeling right now? Do people want me here because they can’t deal with me not being here, are unprepared to face any form of grief, if they would feel it? Or because of me and who I am, because they need me, like me, want me? If they do want me, why don’t I? What is so wrong with me that I can’t look at myself without finding constant flaws and nothing positive? I don’t like who I am, don’t know where I am heading or what I am to do. I haven’t wanted to be around for a long time, for at least 4 years. I have tried to do things about this, tried to rid the world of me, but it hasn’t worked yet and I know that is the way to breaking people’s hearts. I don’t want to hurt anyone, which is one reason I feel I’m living through other people, to satisfy there wants of me. But what of my wants? I have gotten beyond me now. It has gotten beyond extending the barcode. There is something in my life right now that could, given the chance, take away that choice from me. It wouldn’t be me hurting myself, trying to die, something else would be doing it for me. I don’t want to hurt myself, that would hurt other people too who expect more of me, but what is in my life, the circumstance, has given me the opportunity to get out, without recriminations, without people looking down upon me for something society as a whole sees as a giant taboo. What if you, without recriminations or back-talk, without disappointment, could get out of this life entirely? What would you do? The chance to leave all mistakes behind, all hurt and pain, all worries, paranoia, resentments disappearing in the wave of a hand. Would you leave it all? I want to, without the influence of friends or family, there is nothing here for me, nothing for me to look to, to say “yes, this is my life, this is what I’m doing, this is what I will do”. Granted, I have people who think a lot of me, but I know they can carry on. So the big question is, do I stay or do I go? I wish someone could tell me the answer but they can’t. I have to find my own way, it hurts hard and deep and it never goes away for me, all I want is for this feeling to go, one way or another. I need for things to get better somehow, f

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