Freakcity

AdamAlarming, blonde, comical, dizzy, evil, feculating, gratuitous, handsome, intellectual, jolly, kitten-ish, lovely, morish, nonse, opulant, precious, queen, ravisher, shopper, tall, undeniable, verocious, wanker, xenophobe, yellowed, zany; is how the alphabet would describe me

Bingowings’s blog

Blergh-syndrome

Tuesday September 7th, 2004 at 17:21pm

I woke up today to my phone ringing. It was about an interview I had, saying I didn’t get the job. I was pissed off at first...I kinda still am, but I’m disappointed at not having a job, not at not getting this specific job. I don’t know why, but it just seemed I didn’t fit there, something there was wrong. And I know that there are a plethera of other jobs out there for me to get, and I will. I’ve already applied for 10 jobs today, and I’ve done some housework, andso to that end I feel good, but I often wonder what’s the point? What’s the point of trying to do all of this, if all I get back is negative? This is what makes me feel blergh..... knowing I want a job, but not knowing why I need one except for the obvious reasons of money.... what is the point of working just to survive? Why put so much effort in when I don’t even get anything back? Maybe I’m at a cross-roads, because so far my life hasn’t really gone anywhere, sure I’ve been places, seen some things, made some fantastic friends, but life isn’t just about those things, life encompasses them, and more, but I don’t have the “more”. I don’t know what “more” really is. So now I have a decision to make, about what to do next, I don’t know this because I don’t know where I can go from here, and I need to find that out first... but it seems one of the hardest questions I’ve asked myself lately, hard because I don’t seem to be finding any answers, or even getting close to them. I don’t know, maybe I just wish sometimes things were a little less difficult, that everytime I get over one hurdle, another would’nt spring up in its place. With yesterday and today, 2 hurdles sprung up, after I only got past one, and I’m tired of jumping. I’m tired of jumping hoops for some friends who think they’re helping when all they’re really doing is trying to control me. I’m tired of doing things for people around me, and not doing them for me, I’m tired of going through the motions. I know this seems selfish, but I’ve done a lot of things for different people, all because they wanted me to, now I want something from me, and I can’t get it. I know this probably doesn’t make much sense, because I seem to have been lacking mental clarity for the past couple of days. I know in my head what I want, but describing it is hard, and getting there even harder. But I will get there, because I want to, because I need to, and because there has to be more than this.

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