AdamAlarming, blonde, comical, dizzy, evil, feculating, gratuitous, handsome, intellectual, jolly, kitten-ish, lovely, morish, nonse, opulant, precious, queen, ravisher, shopper, tall, undeniable, verocious, wanker, xenophobe, yellowed, zany; is how the alphabet would describe me

Bingowings’s blog

Wishful thinking

Wednesday August 18th, 2004 at 15:39pm

I appear to be broken, I have been for a while now, but felt it only since last wednesday, for the first time in a long time. It hit me like a ton of bricks, having not felt this way for such a long time, and I’m not even sure what feeling this way is...there seem to be no definable feelings, just a sense that something somewhere deep inside is wrong. I know when I became broken, I know what broke me, but I know that at the moment trying to fix me will have me broken even more. What I didn’t realise was just how broken I am. It was due to a chat with the marvellous Scott that it occured to me how broken I am. It’s very difficult to know this, and to know that fixing myself will cause me to be more broken, but I know I have some people around me who, although they can’t help me per say, can make me feel better when I go down. Scott is one of these people, partly because he’s one of the most honest, straight-forward people I know, partly because he tells me things exactly as he sees them, and not just what I want to hear, and of course partly because he’s just so fluffy. But I often wish that everything that has hurt me will go away, I have ignored much of it until now, thinking it would go away, but it doesn’t, it just comes back bigger and stronger and harder to deal with. It makes me feel lethargic, undetermined, and makes me wonder where exactly in life I’m going to, and if I will ever reach my dreams. But on the other hand, I know if I take each day as a small step, then things will slowly get better, and I can work on fixing me in small steps, so that at some point in the future, I will be a whole person again. Also, not having a job SUCKS ass :-P

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