A lot of people come up to me, “Kitty”, they say, “How do you manage to stay looking so young?” and I tell them a story.

Once upon a time there were some people. They had almost enough stuff between them and all was well. Generally speaking the people with more stuff weren’t bad people and they’d try and sometimes help the ones with less stuff. But then it all went wrong, now some people own most of everything and everyone else suffers.

If I were a bank, I’d be able to spend ten times more money than I have.

I am not a bank, I am a person. I am allowed to spend twice as much as I have.

Back in the day, it was called hire purchase and only poor people did it and it was frowned upon.

Now, everyone has this “credit” stuff. It’s allowed, it’s fashionable. To fuel the expansion of the economy over the last 20 years, everyone got into debt. This is why we are all poor now. Debt. This is why people aren’t spending money at the moment, they have overspent and are now paying the price. This is why quantative easing isn’t going to work, this is why the economy is fucked. We don’t manufacture anything any more, we’re middle men. Now we’re poor, the population is trying to cut out the middle men to save money. Cutting out ourselves. The highstreet is doomed, we can buy cheaper online. Online companies that pay UK tax are doomed because we allow companies from outside our borders to trade inside our borders and not pay. So the government raises less in tax, can afford to employ fewer people without getting further into debt and more people are made unemployed. The sensible ones who had credit insurance are bankrupting the insurance companies, the ones who didn’t have it are going bankrupt. Houses are not worth the inflated prices paid for them, so when people default, the banks can’t recoup their losses. All of this soup is leading us to either the death of capitalism or the writeoff of our debts. The UK population currently owes £1.4 trillion, this dwarfs the deficit, bank bailout, etc. This is double what was owed 10 years ago and over quadruple what was owed 20 years ago.

The thing is, money generally has to come from somewhere. People seem to forget this. It’s either printed, which causes inflation or converted from one  currency to another. And the more people who take from the pot, the less for the rest of us. We need a redistribution of wealth and we need it fast, but the people holding the purse strings are the ones who are holding the government aloft. So basically, we’re screwed.

And I stay looking so young by ingesting the placenta of the female gibbon. Not mashed swede.