19th July 2010: Boris launches the much hyped Cycle Superhighway scheme, sponsored by the very blue Barclays in preperation for the launch of the Barclays sponsored cycle hire launch on 30th July.

21st July: First major pileup. Cycle Superhighway 3: Summer Cyclists incapable of realising a cycle and an arrow pointing at them means they’re in the wrong lane fatally injure a pedestrian who hasn’t realised that bikes might hurt when they hit him.

22nd July: Press astonished by new CS3 heading up to stylish Canary Wharf appear unaware that it’s always been there, Boris merely painted it blue.

25th July: Bus drivers complain cyclists are destroying bus timetables by cycling slowly in bus lanes, as if they’ve always been on time before this date.

30th July: Barclays much vaunted cycle hire scheme goes live in London.

2nd August: Boris spends £1.2m on new cycles to replace those stolen in the previous 2 days.

5th August: Boris diverts funds from TfL’s bus budget to replace stolen bikes.

12th August: Halfords forecast bad quarter, bike profits slashed by 2/3rds.

18th August: London Assembly narrowly votes not to implement hanging for the crime of blue bike theft. Boris said to be “displeased”.

5th September: Having announced the catastrophic failure of TfL’s bus arm due to lack of funding from City Hall, some bus drivers decide to keep their buses and go freelance in lieu of payment of wages.

19th September: Police implement a shoot to kill policy for cyclists seen going through red lights.

27th September: Armed cyclists on a spree of violence kill hundreds of motorcyclists using the green “cycle” boxes at junctions.

01st October: Barclays pulls out of London. Most tube lines cease to operate due to overcrowding. Commuters turn back to their cars, sales of armour plated SUVs rocket.

17th October: Boris forced to resign as mayhem hits city streets, with bus drivers arming buses and taking out anyone in a bus lane, battles between cycle and bike gangs spilling out into warfare around the square mile and pedestrians with razor wire decapitating people at traffic lights.

24th October: Army brought in to calm city streets with tear gas and rubber bullets.

25th October: Army captains captured at Battle of Bond Street. Bus drivers claim city of London. Reinforcements sent for. Having captured assets of City of London, Mercedes is commissioned to build a fleet of 50 armed battle buses.

29th October: Boris stoned to death by founders of Living Streets, who in turn start giving free weapons to pedestrians to “keep them safe”.