I had a relationship once, but I wasn’t really ready for it and it, whilst lasting a long time, wasn’t really going anywhere. So I decided I wanted out, but I couldn’t say the words. So I simply did all the things he didn’t like and waited for him to do the dirty.

This is called passive agressiveness and not really a very sensible way to do stuff, but I was young and still learning. (I am still young and still learning, but that’s another thing entirely ).

It was a bad breakup, I didn’t know what I wanted at the time and ended up missing what I wanted more than I thought I would, conversely I lashed out at him because he didn’t want what I wanted and it all went a bit horrible. He still doesn’t speak to me.

I was miserable for a long time.

And then the dreams started. Not very frequently, but when you have a propensity for mild paranoia your brain does its best to show you this thing. Or maybe my brain wanted to show me what I should have done, but didn’t. I don’t know, brains are silly things, subconsciouses often conspire to show you to yourself, warts and all, and if you’re not capable of recognising yourself, the experience can be crushing.

It’s where the anger in mad lunatics who want to take over the world is fuelled from, of that I’m certain.

In these dreams, something bad would happen and I would see my ex again. We would talk. We would resolve differences and we would be getting to being friends again just as I’d wake up. They were very vivid and they would leave me crushed and filled with despair as my sleepy mind would slowly realise it wasn’t real.

We are our own harshest critics, if we know how to listen to ourselves.

I carried this baggage for a long time. Then I met a man who changed all that. Who I’m learning to not be paranoid with and who I love very much. And the dreams mostly stopped. I haven’t had one in years now and with his help I’m not the kind of person who would any longer act as I did then.

But weirdly I had the same dream again last night. The same talking, the same resolution and then I woke up...and felt a little bit sad that I didn’t have another friend, but that’s all.