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Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
Dreams...
I had a relationship once, but I wasn’t really ready for it and it, whilst lasting a long time, wasn’t really going anywhere. So I decided I wanted out, but I couldn’t say the words. So I simply did all the things he didn’t like and waited for him to do the dirty.
This is called passive agressiveness and not really a very sensible way to do stuff, but I was young and still learning. (I am still young and still learning, but that’s another thing entirely 
).
It was a bad breakup, I didn’t know what I wanted at the time and ended up missing what I wanted more than I thought I would, conversely I lashed out at him because he didn’t want what I wanted and it all went a bit horrible. He still doesn’t speak to me.
I was miserable for a long time.
And then the dreams started. Not very frequently, but when you have a propensity for mild paranoia your brain does its best to show you this thing. Or maybe my brain wanted to show me what I should have done, but didn’t. I don’t know, brains are silly things, subconsciouses often conspire to show you to yourself, warts and all, and if you’re not capable of recognising yourself, the experience can be crushing.
It’s where the anger in mad lunatics who want to take over the world is fuelled from, of that I’m certain.
In these dreams, something bad would happen and I would see my ex again. We would talk. We would resolve differences and we would be getting to being friends again just as I’d wake up. They were very vivid and they would leave me crushed and filled with despair as my sleepy mind would slowly realise it wasn’t real.
We are our own harshest critics, if we know how to listen to ourselves.
I carried this baggage for a long time. Then I met a man who changed all that. Who I’m learning to not be paranoid with and who I love very much. And the dreams mostly stopped. I haven’t had one in years now and with his help I’m not the kind of person who would any longer act as I did then.
But weirdly I had the same dream again last night. The same talking, the same resolution and then I woke up...and felt a little bit sad that I didn’t have another friend, but that’s all.
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Berlin go bye bye
So this is my last Sunday in Berlin for a while. The wheel of time spins slowly forward and who knows what doors will open as this one swings slowly shut behind me.
I’m going to miss this city.
I’ve spent the last month here, had friends stay, plan on visiting all my favourite places one last time before I fly back on Saturday.
Stadtfest was immense and fun and fluffy as always. Pride with Justin and Liam was grand. Wandering the streets of Nollendorfplatz with Lee, Justin and Liam last weekend was marvellous fun. Lady Gaga overkill was less fun but pft.
I shall miss the burgers of the Bird. Steak at Lentz (good as ever last night), wandering the markets of Mauerpark, even Volksbar with the lads.
I’ll miss Rene’s cocktails at Blond, the beach at Tacheles, The Wall on The Wall at the East Side Gallery, everything being shut on Sundays, wandering the Tiergarten, the boats of Potsdam, Weiße bier, the fact that trains run on time, schnitzel, bears and ampelman.
But I can always come back and visit with fond memories. Bleh.
I have a slightly marvellous reason for coming back anyways who I love rather a lot.
Soon I shall go exploring mauerpark for the last time. It’s a pretty day and all that.
Coming back to London is going to be slitly odd for me, so all you people who I’ve not seen in a while, hug me and forgive my oddness, it will pass. I’ve never been good at sipping effortlessly back into he swing of things and may need some encouragement.
I’m not quite the same person I was when I left. But you are not either at a guess. So let’s let the old mingle with the new and come up with some new paradigms for our friendships.
Things I want to bring back from Berlin:
Meals after work.
Sunshine.
Relaxed weekends without hangovers brought on by Friday night after work drinks.
Coffees and cakes out and about.
Moar botes!
Life here is better than life in London, but we are what we want to be and so I can take that with me. London is broken, it needs fixing.what can we do but our own little parts?
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Sooon
Soon there will be a blog here describing my lovely weekend, the fun I had in Berlin with Lee and Justin and Liam, more information about Justin’s alcohol tipping arse and the fun we had dancing with gays for the Berlin Pride. As well as Stadtfest and the fun I had there too.
Soon.
One day.
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iPhone4 new features.
“Now you can run your favorite third-party apps — and switch between them instantly — without slowing down the performance of the foreground app or draining the battery unnecessarily.”
Kinda. Their multitasking is exactly the same as Android’s, except an app is actually ended and its state saved when you switch to another app. You require the app to have been written to include a service or push notification to be told anything about it whilst it’s in the “background”.
Whereas Android leaves apps running quite happily, only ending them (and saving their state) when memory is low. It does this automatically and means you can truly multitask, no services required.
So they have something that looks like multitasking for third party apps, whilst not actually being multitasking.
“Create custom playlists right on your iPhone.”
What, like I can do on my Nexus One? Or like I could do on my Rio Karma in 2003?
“Change the background wallpaper on your Home screen.”
What, like I can do on my Nexus One?
“Organize apps into folders with drag-and-drop simplicity. Get faster access to your favorites and browse and manage up to 2160 apps.”
Yeah OK, you’ve got me there. I can’t do folders on my Nexus One...tho I can access the *actual* filesystem if I want and make *actual* directories, so all is not lost.
“5x digital zoom Get closer to your subjects by zooming in up to 5x.”
It doesn’t matter if you do HD or you have a 5mp camera with digital zoom, picture quality is all about the sensor. The phone that is going to knock the ball out of the park on this front isn’t the iPhone4, it’s the Nokia N8 which has the largest sensor of any cameraphone and manages 14mp images and beautiful HD video.
“Home screen wallpaper Change the background wallpaper on your Home screen.”
Like you’ve been able to do on...oh...any handset since they invented colour handsets?
“Gift apps Send apps as gifts to your friends or family.”
Why would anyone want to?
“Spell checking A built-in spell checker works in Mail, Notes, and other apps.”
Like Android?
“Wireless keyboard support Pair a keyboard based on Bluetooth wireless technology with your iPhone.”
There’s an app for that (in the Android Market)
FaceTime: video calling. Wifi only (no 3G).
2003 is on the line. It wants its video calling back.
Big battery, interesting screen (as in I’d have to see it to pass judgement, but there’s no way it can compete with the colour and vibrance of my Nexus’s OLED or the N8’s OLED).
Overall, not overly impressed. There’s not really anything it can do that my Nexus can’t other than 720p video, and that’s coming soon.
iOS4 seems buggy as hell too at the moment.
So yeah, probably not gonna get it 