This is going to be a crap experiment in free association but apologies, I need to write. I’ve been laid in bed for the last two hours staring intently at the ceiling unable to sleep. I just feel empty. Nothing has a point any more. I really don’t know what to do now, or what I can say to feel right again. I don’t know why it happened. He doesn’t know why it happened. I feel like I’ve given my heart to someone who broke it but doesn’t have the self awareness to even realise why . And I can’t even hate him, I love him too much. I had so many plans. I wanted to take him to Glastonbury, he blew me off, unbeknownst to me because he was seeing someone else that Saturday. He waited half a week and saw him again, then told me it had happened. I assumed it was a one night stand and forgave him, I’d done similar before. I even said “yeah, sure, you’re mates, I don’t mind if he comes to see you for a weekend”. During that weekend I ended up thinking, however, that he’s not me, he’d have to be seeing someone special and I got scared. I don’t know if it was fear or just the want to make him feel ok and not be cause of his pain but I tried to make it alright, and he told me that they were just going to be friends. A week later he tells me that he was invited to run off with him and was “tempted”. Saturday he tells me he can’t deal with stuff and something needs to happen. Tonight he tells me he’s leaving me. I feel like there’s a hole scooped out of my middle and I feel dead. Nothing matters. I don’t want to do Summer. I don’t want to do Glasto, I don’t want to do Manchester, I don’t want to do Brighton. All I will see in these places is what I wanted to see with him. I’m about ready to just say “fuck it all” and leave. I’m not happy at home, not happy at work, my personal life has just been torn to pieces and the one person I want to hug is the one person doing it to me. Nothing good ever came of being a nice and responsible individual. I tried to sort so many aspects of my life out and I got pretty close but I just can’t see it now. I can’t see the point. I hurt. I want to hide in a hole and cry until I run out of tears. I feel sick. My eyes are red. I carry so much anger but I don’t want to aim it at him because I love him. Inevitably he bore the brunt of it earlier. From my experience he’s wrong and making a huge mistake, but I would say that, wouldn’t I? Insecure people that cling to a relationship that’s long dead because they like the idea of their own personal hell better than the hell of being single do not, IMHO, make good boyfriend material. People who have sat in a stagnant relationship for years are not engaging or challenging. And people who say “I could never be unfaithful” and then wander off and do it about a month later should probably just fuck off. I hate lies. I hate people that lie to themselves even more. I’ve had enough. No more mister nice guy. Just as soon as I’ve stopped crying, that is...