The 13th. Always an unlucky number. He arrives online, not seen him online since Wednesday. Wednesday was when I told him I’d have to know if he was coming. He’s successfully avoided talking to me since then. I am angry and annoyed. “So I guess you’re not coming this weekend?” “lol. I got trapped in Yeovil since Friday with Sofie, soz” In anger, not sure if I want to say it, but feeling like I have little choice, I reply “Is there any point in being boyfriends if we don’t see each other?” Hoping he’d show some signs of caring, I go into kitchen to finish making coffee. I return “I suppose not” “So that’s it then?” “yeah”. I can’t work out if I’m sad because I care for him too much or if I’m sad because I didn’t get what I want. Another chapter closes. Another tempting and tantalising shot at happiness appears to have been yanked away. Maybe that’s why I’m upset? Can’t sleep. Woke at 5:30. Had dreams about mum making me late for work. Because I can’t be late for work as I have to test something. Oddness. Downloaded a torrent called the “Scifi variety file” which is filled with wonders such as Space 1999, the first ever Knight Rider episode, The 6 Million Dollar Man, etcetera. So, have been filling our heads with 80s crap. Although I accidentally watched the first Andromeda yesterday and now I’m suffering for it. Went to Chunk with Freddie. Kinda got a bit pissed as I wasn’t very happy. Snogged a lovely man with no legs. James was there in rubber. Drunkenly pounced on Tork and told him off for ignoring my gaydar message. Was messy. <> I love it when the spammers attack myspace I joined facebook. Not sure why. Peggi added me. Not seen her in ages, used to work with her at Opodo. Bought bacon. Failed to fix Lloyd’s PC (will attempt it again later). Generally moped around. Cried a bit (yeah, I know. I’m a girl). I could be all tragic and say “why does nothing ever work out for me?” but I already know the answer. I just need to lick my wounds and then get back on with being me. Sometimes I really hate this, hate my jealousy, hate the fact I use it as an excuse to do terrible things. Coz I just push people away who get close. It’s like I’ve seen what my life will be like when I’m 50, nothing matters. Nothing can stop it, so why not just make it self fulfilling? Danny accused me of being emo. Maybe he’s right