Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
Weekendythings
+Sunday+ fun with Mother at Spitalfields was marvellous fun. I piled Sunin into his Merc and then we drove to Spitalfields and got hideously lost in the one way system near Liverpool Street. Eventually finding parking somewhere in Worship Street we then commenced getting hideously lost on foot trying to find Spitalfields from there.
Scared Mum a little with my hair.
Ate lunch at Giraffe, I opted for a burger. Third PoshBurger(TM) in 5 days. Nice to know I’m going to keep my figure...had Tiger Prawns for starter too which were yummy. Mum scared me ("What? They’re all crunchy!") by eating their tails.
Wandered about the market, took some photos, went to the organic shop and bought more coffee beans and some gorgeous and hideously expensive honey. But gorgeous. Took photos of Sunin on E and of random signs and things. chilled out in general 
Headed back to Andy’s car so I could get the herbs they’d picked out of their garden for me. And so we could get a lift to the Merc as we had lost it a little. So said our goodbyes and headed back home.
Well, I say home...we’d decided to go and peer at the gay playground that is Waitrose in Canary Wharf instead. I ONLY SPENT TWELVE POUNDS. I have to place this in capital letters as this is a personal best for me. I usually have to remortgage after a trip to Waitrose.
I bought some meat I’ll be cooking tonight, and some veg I’ll be adding to that meat. And a couple of bits. And that is ALL 
We looked at tacky gold pens too, Sunin wanted to inflict one on somebody as a gift.
“Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky” — Legolas, son of Weenus
headed home and Sunin vanished back to Telford as I peeled TJ off his bed and forced him at gunpoint to wash up. Poor thing was busy recovering from a wedding.
So far this month, I’ve only bought one DVD (by accident, Morrissey live, it accidentally fell into my trolley), one tent (!!) and some food. And Bombay mix. Oh, and some other things. A shirt, some boxers. And hair dye. Oh and some tickets to a West End show. And coffee. And lunch out a couple of times. And two hard drives. Oh and some other DVDs. Hm. No wonder I keep ending up skint 
Bed pretty early considering. Failed to fix puncture, failed to cook. Was just a bit knackered from the night before. Still need to make my body do what I need it to do to keep me healthy, am bordering on badness, but I think I’ll get there ok. Besides, surfing the edge is a way of life for me, I do it in so many other things.
The smallest parts of a machine can cause the whole thing to shudder to a halt. So next time someone tells you you cannot do something, or what you do means nothing, remember that...
Moved freakcity to a new server today. Seems shitloads faster. Getting searches on the forums back in about 1.5 seconds, which is pretty good all things considered.
The Middle East is getting silly again. Bush is claiming that Israel is justified in its response to the kidnapping of two of its soldiers, its response being to kill a few hundred Lebanese citizens. How fabulous is that? Fuckwits. Suzannah Lamplugh was kidnapped by a mystery man 20 years ago, thought to be John Cannan. It’s high time we shot his mother.
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Your discgo needs you
Sunin arrivorated at about 7:30ish so I left work at 6:30 and sat in outside the café with a latté and lots of thoughts swimming around my head. Something happened towards Trafalgar Square that caused all the traffic in the world to queue up, so I wandered to Shaftsbury Avenue and discovered Sunin (eventually) and we headed back to mine. Unpacked, bounced about a bit, then headed to Ilford via Tesco for supplies.
Tesco was gorgeous. Large airconditioned open space was just what the doctor ordered. Bought much bacon, sausage, vodka, OJ, cranberry, tesco value cola (for Shits and Giggles&trade and various other bits. Headed to Ilford and spent a good half an hour getting remarkably lost in the one way system before we found Owen and Jen’s new place. After a frankly stunning piece of parking from Sunin, we rang the bell and said hello. Jen was slightly hopping mad (just a little bit) as it was about 11:30 and Owen had popped out for “one drink” after work. And wasn’t back. Nice to see some things never change. “Was he this shit with you too? Oh, he was, that’s ok then...”
Explored their new place. Quite big and lovely, but not so sure about the area, I can see issues. But I’m sure they’ll be fine.
Headed back home at 1amish. We were planning on Swanning but we were both far too knackered.
Saturday I managed to be up early and working on Freakcity (yey!) until we had to go out at lunchtime to buy shiny things from Expectations (coo...I now own a cockring!) and stuff. Mumsy phoned and invited herself over Sunday. Headed back to the flat to wait for moogal to arrive, which he did, horrifically late. Although this wasn’t his fault...I’d also died my hair shockingly red in the interim, which was interesting...so headed off into town and arrived at the Theatre late but were snuck in. So all’s good.
Avenue Q is amazing. Dodgy sentiment and a little derivative, but still...well worth the time.
Met BumpMUM which was nice too.
Headed to the café after for a snack and then the horror of KuBar. Which was fun.
Took moogal back to the flat to pick up his car then headed back into town to meet drunkSunin for XXL b0ppage. Although we didn’t actually stay long, as the atmosphere was dire. Cabbed home because we’re both lazy cows.
Eventual bed. Now I’m up and about to go see Mum at Spitalfields. So tata! x
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It’s another fucking blog
Yesterday evening I was working away happily when bang, something hit me. Having given chase to the person throwing the something (OK THIS DIDN’T REALLY HAPPEN HONEST) I realised I’d got a message from someone called Jon on MSN. Seems I spoke too soon. He was apologetic for having not been in touch but had had some bad news. I gave him a virtual hug and chatted some, which was nice.
Decided against doing a scene a day of my script in my blog as it might prejudice further use of it. I firstly need to write it and then secondly need to give it to someone critical (and I know just the person...but he doesn’t know it yet muahaha) and see if it’s any good. Because I may be biased...and so may my friends. But having read a fair few scripts in my time, some having been made and some not, and cringing at over half of them I suspect I might be capable of a fairly decent job. I haven’t actually written anything excepting this blog in a few years, mind, but we’ll see.
I have another script in my brain too, but this is less likely to get made as it’s far grander in scope and stuff like that. I’ve got a very visual eye, see, and so I can “see” it in my brain but may have difficulties putting it down into the recycled electrons that freakcity uses to power itself. I may attempt the intro in a bit, we’ll see how the build process goes...
Which brings me to the build process: It’s been breaking all morning. I’ve got absolutely nothing done. Gah!
I wondered for a time last night about making a video for It’s Over as an exercise in filmmaking. I’ve not done it before but I know people who have, again I have the equipment to do it and I see other people’s efforts and think I could equal them, but having never tried I don’t know if I’m deluding myself. So my intriguing Summer project will be that I think. I already have some ideas about imagery and a burning need to go and breathe sea air, which coupled with the last lines of the song would make for a powerful symbolism if I can pull it off. Problem I have is I either need sunrise on a beach near me or sunset on the West Coast, I’m not entirely sure I can manage the West Coast, but they say anything is possible.
Russ at work sits with his back to us working, usually wearing headphones. So James (who I also work with) has spent the day creeping up behind him and leaving a broken fan there. He notices and puts it back on James’ desk for James to creep back and do it again. It’s rather bizarre but fascinating to watch...
[c[I fiddled with bits of freakcity code to make certain]c][r[other things possible]r][j[I also failed to build the firewall. TJ was out so I considered doing it but was so horribly tired I just flopped into bed and stayed there. This had the amusing side effect of me being awake at fricken 4am, but hey...
So I was at work right, having cycled there for the first time in a couple of days. Feeling vaguely crappy as the huge big black stormclouds roll overhead. I collect up my freakbag and head down to the basement. It’s already started lightly showering but in this heat and humidity it’s hard to notice. I grab my cycle and engage the lift to the ground floor, get outside and discover that I *have* got a slow puncture. Bah. My back tyre is about as squishy as mogs’ bottom as I totter away home. I can feel the bump bump of the innertube valve as I cycle down the road and so I’m wet, unable to go above 10 miles an hour and in danger of irreparably damaging my tyre and contents and I realise with horror that I’ve not brought my spare tube or pump. They’re still in my rucksack. Sometimes I’m such a fool.
Cycled (very slowly) to Evans Cycles and pleaded (pled? Pled sounds more fun ) with them for a bit of a squirt from one of their high pressure devices. Thankfully it lasted me all the way home. And cycling in the rain was actually really rather nice, made me feel damp and cool and sweaty and hot all at the same time
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Musings
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. But then again, so is every day...it’s such a pointless saying.
My word of the day shall be duffleflaps
And I am brought to you by the number 27 and the letter Q.
Biked in today. Feeling a bit better than yesterday, but then again this is the illest I’ve been since Feb and I’m just a bit tired and sweaty so I think my brain’s working ok again.
Perhaps I’m just allergic to men?
Mailed Jon yesterday, but to be honest I’m not really expecting a reply. That’ll teach me to meddle in the affairs of chicken, they are subtle and quick to anger.
Payday today, so I’ve bought half of Amazon before breakfast. Naughty me.
Jam
The Running Man
Carnivàle Season 2
A Bit of Fry and Laurie Season 1
Peter’s Friends
Should keep me going for a while. I also have the 4400 to peer at too. And Hard Candy, which anticon recommended to me and sounds fun
I love it. One of my friends cheated on his boyfriend a bit. Then left his boyfriend. For another man. Who then cheated on him. And now he’s upset...
Chatted to Steve until late again...bah. He’s in Wales, talking to him sometimes just makes me want to hug him but he’s sooo far away 
This weekend Avenue Q, gayage, Pride in Soho, Ku Bar (the ABSOLUTE TERROR), XXL and possibly a Sunday in Southend with bikes.
Next weekend. Pride in Brighton with Ulf. And I may possibly have a date whilst I’m there. With an absolutely gorgeous bloke...
Then I have two weekends off with nothing to do and then camping (which I really should sort the fuck out).
One of those weekends will be spent in the NORTH I hope. Chatting to James today, he’s back in Hudds and so figure I can go up, see danlad, deev and him and maybe do Manchesterford too for an evening of fun.
I appear to have carved myself out a social life without even trying. I shall attempt to fix some bits of FC inbetween but I may not actually have it done before Sept at this rate. Bleh.
Owen moved yesterday. Mixed feelings an all. The Ilford Flat was our first proper place where we felt like we had a home, and this weekend it goes away. I shall pay my respects hopefully over the weekend. But it feels weird, not sure if anyone’ll understand what I mean. There was always a bit of me in that flat, it was always in part my home too I guess, and now it’s gone.
Apparently the new place is lovely though, am hoping to see it a bit too.
Turned down the chance to go for a job paying 55k. Am I mad? Possibly. Ah well, it’ll all come out in the wash. I get a pay review in a couple of weeks and I can talk to them about my career and we’ll see what happens and where we go from there.
Got told by someone yesterday that they’d “whacked one out” many a time to my pics and that I was “very good in bed in my (his) head”. Kinda disturbed by this. So if I sleep with the guy I have to live up to my own performance in his brain? WOAH. I can’t even begin to count how many levels of wrong that’d be. Possibly the surrealist thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Twelve monkeys,
Eleven oceans,
The perfect 10,
Nine and a half weeks,
Eight Millimeter,
Seventh sign,
Six degrees,
Pink Five,
The Four Horsemen,
The third Age,
Twins,
The one.
Is it all about the Numb3rs?
Tonight I shall wreak my revenge on the Jedi. For too long the power of light has stood against the force of the dark side. Tonight that ends. Tonight, I Become.
Did you know there’s a script in my head? Here’s the teaser:
<<[c[TEASER.
]c]
[j[We are in a tiny hospital cubicle. Camera at bed level, slowly moves around the bed. Drab sheets and faded lights, a hand can be seen. The camera pans around to reveal a signet ring. Strings play a soulful melody in the background, rising to a mournful crescendo. Echoes of hospital conversations fade in and out and all the time there’s the steady beep beep of a heart monitor, echoing in the background. The camera
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Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me...
Last night I:
Ended up with the Ghostbusters theme going round my head. Thanks Chris 
Chatted lots to Steve
Ate curry
Biked to the corner shop and bought 2x 1.5 litre bottles of sparkling spring water at 79p a bottle. 1x 1.5 litre OJ at 99p a carton and a cheese and tomato flavour pizza at 99p. All for £2.79. Magic
Failed to get any FC done. Shocker.
Went to bed too late. Was woken at 5:30am by a shocking storm and a “powercut”. And a drunken Mogwai, telling me the whole of everything was off, he’d never seen Canary Wharf that dark, yada yada. Even though it was just that our trip switch had gone, nothing whatsoever to do with a powercut at all. Giggle.
Drunken mogwais at 5:30 am are disturbing. Especially when you’re feeling like shit.
Didn’t cycle in (see above re: feeling like shit).
Payday tomorrow. Rah!
Tonight I shall win the Lottery
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Slightly less moaning whiny teen angst
me in the sun Almost feeling back to normal again. The horrible sickness has faded mostly. Now I just feel like I have been sick. Heh. Bah to my brain.
Spent some time yesterday doing really ickle bits to freakcity. You can now change username once every 30 days — this should mean if someone wants to move to a better name they can but should stop abuse with people changing it over and over. If you change username everything stays the same, you still have the same linked friends and everything, they’re still linked to you, it’s all groovy.
Changed the login system a little, you can now log in with either your username or email address, so if a user has forgotten their username they can still access the site.
Little things I still need to do:
Change news
Implement a UI for linked friend comments
Picture comments
Avatars
More smileys
Add security question
Mood chooser on login page
Make the error checking a bit better/more integrated
Ajax voting for links/quotes
More toolbar items (-strikethrough-, image placement, links)
Birthdays
Big things I still need to do:
revamp the dick a bit
change “Diary” to “Events”
implement new events views, so you can switch between diary view and most recently added view
Implement event reminders
Split profiles from the profile
add more to profiles
add more customization to blogs (references, etc)
Ajax voting for forums
More ways to lay out blogs (multiple day views, etc)
Blog security.
Gather links/quotes/dick (and new section: rants) under the heading “toys” on the main menu
More text refinements (lists, bulleted lists, blocked out data)
So, plenty to keep me busy.
Chatted to Steve some. He thinks we should make a UK BC using FC code and nicking all their good ideas
Decided I’m probably going to seperate Novak from firewalling, I can whack Methuselah under my bed with linux on it, plug it straight into the phoneline. It’s quiet...then I can not crash the whole net connection whenever Novak restarts. Chatted to James briefly about his soekris — looks deeply cool but I’m going to try the Methuselah thing first. He runs something called m0n0wall, a BSD based firewall, I found an old version that’s hacked to work with the speedtouch stuff, but it’s a very old version. I think I’ll give it a miss until I give up on the speedtouch completely.
Soekris boxen look SO very cute.
beta’s now up and running again, I’ll be beta testing the bigger changes I make, but the small ones I’ll move straight over to the live site I think. It’s tiiiime for me to chaaaange things.
Doors are opening. Makes me feel better.
Streetwars is already in trouble
Danny says apparently there’s been a heatwave warning put out by the NHS. I should buy sandals...
Flat tyres on bike on way to work this morning. I suspect that perhaps I overloaded it somewhat on Saturday. I wondered why I’d cycled home yesterday feeling like I was limping along. Bah.
Cycled past a motorcycle accident on Commercial Road last night. Possibly fatal. Police cordon around a trashed bike and blood splashed all over the road. Hope I don’t end up like that.
Pretty sunset again. I’ve been complemented lots on the B&W picture I took of me in the sunset Sunday. Am chuffed.
Today I’m working in the head again. A new tag. New bugs. No fixing stuff I already mended. So work will be better. Going to go wander and find somewhere green at lunch I think, have my pasta+sauce in my bag, will nuke it and bike to Soho Sq again. Lunches in the Summer sun make working in Covent Garden glorious.
Tonight I may sauna, not sure yet. Might just go home and start on some of my todo list for freakcity. Slowly getting my energy levels up to an acceptable level, slowly
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Moany whiny teen angst
Quiet, she says. Smiles slide from faces.
Murmurings cease and desist
Quiet now, the mass awaits guidance.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed woman is king.
Silence he cries, movement stops.
Faces to stone, a row of shining feet.
Quiet now, the mass awaits guidance.
In a world free from touch, the one armed man is king.
Outrage, they cry. The rumblings grow dim.
The words turn their audience into malleable steel.
Quiet now, the mass awaits guidance.
As the politician sides with the kingdom of the blind.
We lead, we don’t learn. We follow, we burn.
We promise, we lie. We arrange the alibi.
We silent are made to support the unsupportable.
The others pay the price. The others die.
The world of leaders should be led to its end.
The legend of totalitarianism killed.
Stop listening, start shouting or it’s in your name.
You create death in a place far away.
Friday was spent dealing with phone issues, fixing computers, fitfully trying to work from home, breaking computers, fixing more computers. Everything’s now stable, Pixel has a single disk raid array, which will become a mirrored set when I buy the next disk next month. All is fine apart from random duplicate drives appearing in windows and Linux not working right yet. Still, I have plans for fixing both, I merely have to find the time.
Went out cycling Friday night, just fancied a ride about. Ended up round Beckton way in the dark. Went up to City Airport and explored the opposite side to the runway. Cycled about in Canning Town some and then went home.
Up early on Saturday (as per usual) and pottered about the place. Convinced mogs to come to Tesco by bike so we could shop in luxury (and aircon). Cycled back with altogether far too much in my rucksack. The joy
Phoned Dom and asked if he’d be out that evening, he said Ku at 10 so I agreed to meet him. This meant I’d be taking TJ to Waterloo for 7:30ish and then have to hang around London for a few hours. Seemed like a plan, wasn’t doing anything else...Waterlood, stuffed TJ on a train, slowly wandered back through the south bank and up through Covent Garden. Waved at James in Retro as I wandered past. Pondered a bit as I doodled around London. It started raining, gorgeousness. Walked through the middle of Chinatown, the rain beating down on me, looking oddly at the people huddled in shop doorways to escape the wetness as they looked upon me with equal oddness. But I didn’t really care as having spent a week sweating in horrible humidity it was just nice to feel wet. Was just nice to feel anything that wasn’t clammyness.
Took a seat in a café on Charing Cross Road and watched the world go by. Blogged a bit. Explored old parts of me that I’d kept locked up for a bit...was interesting. Left me feeling sick after a few hours and I’m still not fully recovered from it. Heh. So need to work out a better way of doing things.
10pm came and went. No sign of Dom. 10:30 came and went, no sign of Dom. Gave up and went to XXL.
Bumped into Mario (he groped my arse in the darkroom. Nawty man). Bumped into a couple of other people too. 11 is way too early to go to XXL though.
Left at about 1 as I was feeling sick. Had to wait an hour at Cannon St for a bus (3 passed, full, until the 4th one stopped). Chatted online a bit when I got in and went to bed. Slept until 11 (a rarity for me) and then prepared for TJ arriving back. Went shopping — originally planned on going to Lakeside but they moved all the trains about so went to Central London instead. Got Tom’s new single (The Patty Winters Show) from Rough Trade. So now I have a limited edition pink vinyl thingy and no record deck so I may acquire one...wandered about Oxford St. Ended up in Selfridges where I bought some amazingly gorgeously expensive sweeties (£50 per 1kg) and fed some to TJ and scoffed the rest. TJ headed to Ku and I headed to Mr Wu for cheaptastic chinese for dinner. Got home at about 8ish and pottered about a bi
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Last night’s musings
Sat outside a café in Soho, latté to my right, ashtray to my left. What has changed? I used to think London would claim my last breath, just as it gave me my first. But lately, — I dunno. Been getting wanderlust. Been thinking that perhaps I just don’t belong here. I used to have all the answers, but what’s the point if no one listens? Truth is subjective, get too close to the question and it changes. Perhaps I am experiencing a crisis of faith, which is troublesome as I built it. I know I have made sacrifices since giving up the drink, sacrifices I’m not sure many would understand, sacrifices that were necessary to bridge the gap in defences I created. I am no longer close to anyone, but it bothers me how little I actually care. I thought it would matter to me more. If I carry on down this route, badness will ensue. But I’ve always wanted to experiment... Just bumped into Kris - apparently has a photoshoot with Leo DiCaprio’s photographer next week. He won’t need me soon *sniffle* I have a new working drive in Pixel. I have a working phone line. I have a lot of work to do and tonight I have a choice. Lose myself online or lose myself in the dance. I have an urge not to go home tonight. In night time heat reminiscent of cascais I sit on the road sipping coffee and watching the world. The world doesn’t watch back. I am invisible. I slide into the background. I shall only be recognised by action alone. Alone. I choose it because it terrifies me. I want nothing again to have that power over me.
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things end.
DSL buggered. Again. This time the phoneline’s gone with it. DSL comes back at night when it’s cooler, so maybe BT have implemented self healing copper that melts in the heat? No fucking clue with them. Tards.
So to talk to their tech support dept I have to find a payphone, as there’s no dialtone on my phoneline. Gah!
Tired. Things aren’t going well for me, so I’m getting grumpy. Time of the month, one might say.
Many little things conspiring against me. I know they’re not actually, but it feels that way. I know it’s just depression and I can ignore it, but sometimes I just want to scream. I know it won’t make me feel better but the child in me wants people to know I’m hurting too. I think I need a holiday. Somewhere nice. Mum’s in Ibiza, the cow...maybe I should make her take me too sometime.
So this weekend I need to do something different, cheap and interesting. Ulf’s away so Brighton’s out, although I have friends there on Sunday from the list so I might pop down then. Or I might get on a train with my bike and zoom around Southend a bit. Not entirely sure...
Payday in a week.
Need to sort out a) Glastonbury, b) Amsterdam c) My head.
I know this feeling. My life needs a new serving suggestion, I need to hide somewhere outstanding and new for a time and reappear, replenished and marvellous.
BT will arrive to fix my line...but it won’t be working until Saturday at a guess. Cunty.
I have two new hard drives sat on my desk, courtesy of the Deev thing. one 250gig PATA one 250gig SATA. I’m tripling the amount of free space in Pixel (he’s only got 80 gig at the moment). So I shall attempt to install Vista as well as the existing XP and Fedora installs on him. And having plenty of free space for work/music/DVD authoring/film creation/etc.
Outstanding
That’ll give me something to do tonight at least. Am tempted to upgrade next month to something a bit quieter case wise, then transplant Novak into Pixel’s existing milled aluminium case. As it’s everso sexy.
Am also tempted by a proper mobo and stuff upgrade, and/or buying a second SATA hard drive and creating a proper raid thing, as my motherboard supports it.
Doing geeky things makes me smile. Doing geeky people moreso.
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Weekend.
Friday night in a moment of MADNESS I decided I’d bike to Owen’s after work. 12 miles. In a headwind. Jebus.
Got there (only had one break, and that was for sugary goodness so as to stop myself falling off my bike quite literally) at just gone 8. Put his PC all together and then discovered his graphics card was broked. Fan gone, so it overheats killing everything. Or so I thought, so I arranged to meet him at PC World the next day so we could shop a bit.
Got back home at around midnight. Cycling at night is lovely. Ilford at night is less so — drunk people threw a bottle at me, which, in lieu of their sobriety, fortunately missed me by a few miles. Bed and sleep and stuff.
Had Ulf coming over on the Saturday so was up reasonably early so I could go with Owen back to his flat with computer parts and put them in his PC. Novak has a dying hard drive 
so was looking at PCW prices too. Erk.
Got to Owen’s place, installed new PSU and a fanless GPU (no fan to break, longer life, figures me.) PC all working fine after some trickery. Leg it from Owen’s to Tower Hill to meet Ulf just in time for a text from Owen claiming PC death. Wah!
I have replaced the motherboard. The CPU. The PSU. Twice. The GPU. Three Times. The HD, the DVD drive and PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE FDD. Stupid thing. I reckon he should just leave it turned off until he moves. Ulf suggested that perhaps it was electrical interference from something or other, which I guess is a possibility as the PC seemed to work fine when I had it in the bedroom and died when I put it in the PC desk. Grr.
Anyways, headed back to mine to chill and chat and then off out to XXL for a most enjoyable night involving meeting Kev (Dax from IRC 6000 years ago), poking David and generally fucking about until 5am. Lost Ulf for a bit, which caused him no end of worry as he’d left his phone and stuff in my flat. Whoops. Found him eventually so everything was ok. Home by 6, about 5 hours sleep then we went up to Cafe Verde for brekkie on the Sunday morning. Decided to walk along the river, which was lovely as it was hot and gorgeous. Ulf invited me to come down to Brighton for Pride, so I reckon I shall be doing that in a couple of weeks.
Food at Cafe Verde was a little worse than usual for me, but his salad seemed fine from what he said. Service, as ever, was awful, but hey, just don’t go there if you’re in a rush
Forgot to ask for no beans so had to pick them off everything. Bah.
Wandered down to Spitalfields, took a couple of piccies. One of Ulf from below standing on glass, which was quite groovy. Need to find a glass walkway so I can do it properly.
Headed back to All Saints via tesco and collapsed for a bit. Ulf headed home and I failed once more to do any freakcity. Not helped by the fact Novak’s been up and down like a whore’s drawers, the phone line’s buggered again and OTHER ANNOYING THINGS.
Going to try and find a wired phone so I can see if it’s BT or not. But currently I have 500k on 8meg DSL and no dialtone. Fuckers.
Think one of my drives might be ill in Pixel too so just got Dave to buy 2x HDs, both 250gig, one PATA and one SATA for Novak and Pixel. Awwh.
So knackered.
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Trees and sky and birds and fluff and bright, bright shiny things.
Bussed to work yesterday on account of my date that evening (now, Lloyd, the mystery becomes clear ) with J. Brief hiccup with some work stuff but mostly went smoothly. I did some more stuff that impressed bosses, which is good. Even though I was quite late arriving on account of scary bus.
Left at about half 6 and wandered off to Covent Garden to meet J. Went down past Embankment and across Hungerford Bridge, along the other side, past the skaters and stopped at the lil creperie that I like, just before OXO tower. Had some food, chatted, went a wandering again. Pretty pretty sunset so took a pic. Wandered to Millennium bridge and over it. J lost his travel card (d’oh) so we went shopping at M&S for silly stuff to break tenners and then got the bus back to mine. Watched a bit of Jam, I changed into shorts coz it was too fricken hot and then headed back into town via DLR and Jubilee line. I love Docklands at night...must move there sometime. Said goodbye to J at Waterloo and then wandered back over the river towards Retro, via embankment tube station where I found Owen, Jen and Sal.
Owen was all smiley because he’d bought fun things from scam earlier on my recommendation. Shiny sooperfast motherboard (2gig FSB (!!!)), 64bit Athlon 3000+, 512meg RAM, all for about 110. Damn good deal...
shiiiiiny. I was in a good mood because an evening of good company does that to a person. Gave Sal a big hug as it was his birthday, then wandered up to Retro to meet a slightly drunken TJ. He explained loudly and very rudely to a stupid person how not to wire speakers into light sockets as I discussed with Sal what we’d do. We settled on going back to the flat. I promised them I’d get them mixer if they didn’t force me to go to the Swan.
Smess popped out with a bag of rubbish and a very fetching hat.
We headed off buswards. Sal showed us his Louis Vuitton bag that contained an empty box and a slip of paper. We were mightily impressed. Got home, collapsed for a bit then I went out to buy a carton of fruit juice, 2 bottles of coke, a carton of OJ and 20 Marlies. Interesting experience. Huge queue at the petrol station and an attendant incapable of following simple instructions in English. Wah! He came back with a single bottle of coke and a bottle of orange squash. Trying to explain mixed fruit drink to him was entertaining.
Back to the flat to watch mogs get more drunk and Sal watch Serenity, which he’d not seen before and possibly *still* hasn’t seen on account of mogs’ drunken witterings
Bed at TWOFRICKENAM and sleep. Bleh.
Made Spaghetti Bolognaise on Sunday evening, still eating it for lunch. Frozen bag plus freshly cooked pasta, add a bit of tomato puree and some herbs and margarine and you have an easily preparable and nutritious lunch, free from additives.
Only problem is, I’m still hungry
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It’s a fucking blog
On a bus. Bored of the concept of Bus sudoku so thought I’d type some. There’s a reason for me not cycling today, but it’s a secret.
Was given a minion at work yesterday. Kinda mixed blessing really. Also helped out with lots of sql, found a problem in someone else’s code and basically surprised my boss a bit by knowing more than he realised I did.
Bizarre encounter with an armed convoy got me into trouble too as it made me late for work. Bah.
Met up with Owen at lunch. The area he works in seems really cool. Met up with him to give him Waldo, the ickle libby 110TC that I got working at the weekend. Whils his PC is dead it seemed like a good idea, gave him a docking station too so he can plug a a proper keyboard/mouse in it as well. He just needs a web browser and PuTTY so he should be fine
“Nuclear energy will help save our planet” claims the Sun today. Hur. So we build all these nuclear power stations, right? At current rates we have enough uranium for about 30 years. If we start using more, then we’ll run out sooner.
Sooo...we build all these large radioactive buildings, generate power, run out of other resources in the 30 years we have left and then do what exactly? Just leave them there? Quietly glowing in the evening sun?
I hate Millbank.
Left work at 7ish. Biked home. Failed entirely to do any FC at all. Tho I did port the message manager to my new back end code, you’ll not notice much of a difference, it’s just a bit more reliable now.
Introduced TJ to K cider. Possibly a mistake as after a can of the stuff bits of his mac were strewn all over the bedroom carpet as he’d accidentally killed his firmware by pressing a wrong button. Comedy.
Chatted to Jonni a bit and also chatted to Rach too (my ex boss). Things seem to be going bad at the old place. I wasn’t the last to leave, not by a long shot. 7 of my team stuck it out until bonus time and then fucked off en masse, apparently. Hope stuff starts to go better for her soon
Bed at a sensible time after a dinner of fish fingers and bacon sandwich. Classsy...
Freakcity server fund stands at 150ish at the moment. Almost enough for a full year’s hosting I think. Just waiting on the final figure from the hosting provider...
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The weekend is lovely.
Come Dancing? (Medium).JPG Went straight home on Friday, chatted to various people online, didn’t really do anything other than that. Watched a bit of telleh. Have finished Green Wing season 2 now and have been mightily impressed. However, this has just left me with an urge to watch Jam all over again and Chris still has that. Bah!
More DVDs arrived. I now own BAGPUSS! Yay!
Can’t remember if I’d mentioned it yet. All days are merging to become a big long blur of life again. When I feel like this it means I need a change. Something fundamental is wrong and needs adjusting. I climb into myself and eat at myself from the inside.
Want to go see Avenue Q, have created a thread about it.
Need to watch Bagpuss.
Pulse was released today — 2 disc DVD. Justin said ages ago that he’d bought it me for christmas but I don’t know if he meant preordered or what so I can’t buy it until I talk to him about it. Coz I might end up with two of ’em by mistake or summat...
Wandering round Spitalfields yesterday, bought washing up liquid and some “be nice to hens” eggs. Mum phoned and as I was chatting away, Angela Rippon zoomed around the corner complete with film crew. Living in London can be fun/bizarre at times. Damn, and I forgot my camera too...
Stayed in Saturday...ghosted libby and installed it on libby2. After a bit of screwing about with windows to get it to log in correctly I eventually got it to work right. So now I have two libbys. The original Libby and the new one, which I’ve called Waldo, named after a big fat man who lives in space.
Chatted to Ulf, a mate of mine who is German and SEXY and thankfully probably too old for mattingham — considered XXL but he lives in Hove and couldn’t be bothered.
Stayed up a little too late watching telleh. Watched Lost in Space again and Starship Troopers. Had steak and chips that I’d bought from Lidl that morning. Cheap steak is less than nice, but it was ok. Lidl sell hammocks for £20 — I’m so tempted.
Tidied lots of bits of flat throughout Saturday and Sunday, did all my washing, did the bed linen, vaccuumed, kitchen, all kinds of little things. Felt all housewifey...
Also watched the end of Doctor Who. What a vast letdown. Shoddy storytelling at best...
Sunday I woke up obscenely early again...tinkered a bit more with bits of computer. Managed to get the hard drive out of Andy’s Omnibook and grab the data off of it that he wanted. Am considering dismantling my laptop to see if it’s salvageable at all. I might just see if I can get a second one off of eBay and combine the two into a working single model. It might be worth doing.
Currently the screen is broken. There’s no backlight, but the rest of the laptop is fine. It’s a pain...
Bought an 108mbps wireless net card. Noticed they have PCMCIA versions for about 20 quid. The laptop would rock on one of those if I could get it working...
TJ has an ancient powerbook that he’s trying to resurrect at the moment and so if he can get his to work right we’ll have matching his and his ancient laptops and can chat to each other on IRC whilst sat next to each other on the sofa. How sad?
TJ went out in the afternoon to get wankered so I was left all on my own again. Cooked spag bog and froze most of it, am having it for lunch this week at work. Bought about 3 kilos of Lidl pasta too, see. Damn cheap!
Am determined to try and make my finances work right this month, even after my slight DVD overbuying issue earlier...*cackle*
Chatted a bit more to Ulf yesterday evening. I may be purchasing far too much RAM off of him next week, for a rock bottom price
He wants to do XXL and so is going to pop over beforehand so we can try the memory. If it works correctly it means I’ll be doubling the ram in both Pixel and Novak, which should be marvellous.
Bed in clean crisp freshly washed<
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Twelve is the number of the counting
Chandos after work to meet William and give him dodgy w4r3z, had a chinwag, caught up a bit. He still can’t seem to fathom why I don’t just chase after money in jobs...hehe. Got to thinking this morning...Conservatism isn’t right for Britain. Nor is Liberalism, nor is Socialism. There are parts of each dogma that are right. Welfare state, hand in hand with as little interference from the state as possible in one’s private life, hand in hand with freedom to do whatever you wish as long as it doesn’t harm others. Low tax funding a small beauracracy. More taxation through indirect means so those who *consume* are the ones that *pay*. Better control of immigration *and* emigration. Two elected houses, but elected at different times using some form of PR and not FPTP. Public utilities run not-for-profit but not owned by the state, with clear payscales. So much could be done by combining all three parties, taking the best of all of them and creating something new, fresh and special. So why do people insist on seeing absolutes? Political “racism”? Am I a tory for believing that the state should leave people alone to live their own lives? A liberal for believing that people should have the freedom not to be monitored and recorded and placed into databases? A Socialist for believing that those who can’t help themselves should be helped by the rest of us? Fucked if I know. Left wing meets right wing if you go far enough left. Or do people not see that? Force people to work or force people to live in some kind of post modern utopia, being hand fed grapes by nubile young thong wearing people, whatever. You’re still forcing people to do something. If the point of life is to learn as much as possible (knowledge), never to preach (evangelise) as we are still learning and cannot know the truth to hand down, why do people constantly swim around and around in the same tiny space with the same arguments instead of trying to see something different? The world is imperfect. We are imperfect. Our only chance of perfection lay in our reaction to situations (stimulus) and the patterns these create in our minds and our ability to recognise those patterns and stop or modify our behaviour accordingly. Whilst it’s comforting to slip into an old argument, like an old pair of gloves, it doesn’t actually move your perception at all. You already know what the counters will be to your points. You play a part. That is where we are politically in the world at the moment. I cannot be a politician because I might have been naked at some point in photographs. I cannot be a politician because I do not know what that power would do to me. I cannot be a politician because I am gay, and whilst I would be allowed to progress some way up the slippery slope I would be prevented from going all the way to the top. I cannot be a politician because I don’t believe I speak for anyone, just for myself. Which is true? Does one preclude the other? Or is there an element of truth in all of this. Is some of this perception? Or is it fact. Does fact alter according to where you are when you perceive it? Is fact immutable. Should we invent new words for truth? What pattern does this cause to be registered in your mind? One of truth or of fiction. Do you, like me, instinctively know truth? Are you too afraid to challenge lies? When I grown up I want to be a thinker... Home by 9. More DVD goodness arrived. Philadelphia, Hulmerist and BAGPUSS! As well as Volume 8 of the Babylon 5 scripts. ""There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting, in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that<
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Sleepless in All Saints
Work was dull. Prepared some for my review...fun!
Cycled rather quickly home. Didn’t crash, much to certain people’s upset.
Finished Green Wing season 2 a bit. Outstandingly weird stuff, but cool. I shall reacquire Jam and beam my way through it once more
Chatted to Jonni. He’s just got his MacBook pro and was all excited, which was fun. Icky Mac nastiness
Chatted to Nick too. He hurt his ickle tummy at the gym doing a widdle exercise. I told him he didn’t need to get a sixpack just for me, I’d have him simply on the basis of his strange mind, but hey...
I am so mean.
And so immensely bored of fixing other people’s code it’s untrue.
One upon a time I wrote:
[[the perfect words at the right time
a shadow of suggestion in the right frame of mind
only the lonely would go so far as to say
maybe it’s better forever that way]]
I’m only just starting to work out what I meant, all those years ago.
I am not lonely any more. I used to fear being alone more than anything else in the world (partly to do with my childhood) but I don’t any longer. Sometimes I find myself craving alonetime. I’ll set of on my bike and cycle, vague destination in head, not really knowing how I’ll end up there, but somehow getting there in the end anyway. It’s how I cycled to Barking on Tuesday...interesting.
I find that the physical exertion of cycling makes my brain work faster, it’s my “me” time. It replaces the space I used to use to blog on the bus/tube, but it works so much better.
I almost crashed into a van this morning by being too cocky. Meh. Adrenaline rush before 9am is fun.
Someone said to me last week that they were going to become as a fish, swimming through the gays, never settling down. I realised that that’s what I’ve become. Every person becomes a nexus, a choice, more often than not though I am choosing my own path. All the stuff I talked about doing last year, it’s done. I’m free of many of the ties that held me down, free from the pointless hangers on. I have a choice to make now. Do I take someone with me into the unknown or do I go it alone? For the first time in my life I’m contemplating doing it solo.
The more time I spend without alcohol the clearer things become. The stronger I become. Is it just me? Would it affect everyone like this?
Will my mind burn out, cycling over and over the same ideas and processes without the drug that used to slow it, numb it, stop it hurting?
Will I feel too much, cut myself off from everyone in an attempt to find peace inside, only venture out on occasion?
I have discovered that if my mental state is ok I can control what I get from others. If I am upset I feel their upset more, if I am happy I feel their happiness more. It’s quite strange, but somewhat logical I suppose. My feelings are amplified by those around me.
I have also discovered I can scare myself by how accurate I’ve become in some ways. It’s good.
So all in all, my brain’s a bit healthier than it was this time last year...Glastonbury is going to be interesting.
Stood on the balcony last night. Sky a gorgeous brown colour from the reflected city below. And through gaps the moon could be seen, shrouded in mist, a deep rust. Very beautiful indeed. The city below vibrating with energy as the wind howled around the buildings and whipped the trees below
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Woops
I should probably blog more frequently really...but hey. Didn’t get a chance to see Jon before he went away. Did get to see Nikki and that lot at Pride. Managed to forget my microdrive so was stuck with babycam for the duration of the parade. Didn’t fancy walking to Kensington Gardens so instead got the tube home and cycled back in with my drive and stuff. Got a bit sunburned. Cycled about Hyde Park in the dark as Roger Waters sang. Got to see Nikki in a dog collar. Got bitten. Ate salad. Didn’t grope any cock. All good fun. Chris was on the stoodent nurse float. Suspect he’s been shagging nurseys. Alex’s trousers were gayer than Chris’s. Very odd. Mogs shagged the other Chris and some squaddie in sick threeway gay orgy bum fetish. Owen was on time (almost). Bizarre atmosphere. The march has become less about gay pride and more about watching pretty floats go by. Far more of them than in previous years, but far fewer actual people marching. It’s just not the same any more. Maybe we’ll be relegated to standard citizens too, with no requirements for marching and a lax attitude to homophobia. And then we’ll get caught with our pants down when the religious right beat us over and over with the bible. ""Arnold Beckoff: I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. It’s my biggest problem because I’ve never been young and beautiful. Oh, I’ve been beautiful. And God knows I’ve been young, but never the twain have met. Not so as anyone would notice anyway. Y’know a shrink acquaintance of mine believes this to be the root of my attraction to a class of men most subtly described as old and ugly. I think he’s underestimating my wheedles. See, a ugly person who goes after a pretty person gets nothing but trouble, but a pretty person who goes after a ugly person gets at least cab fare. Now, I ain’t sayin’ I never fell for a pretty face, but when les jeux sont fais gimme a toad with a pot o’ gold and I’ll give you three meals a day, cuz honeys, ain’t no such thing as a toad when the lights go down. It’s either feast or famine. It’s the daylight you gotta watch out for. Well face it, a thing of beauty is a joy ’til sunrise. (drags on his cigarette) There’s another group you gotta watch your food stamps around: The hopeless. They break down into three major categories: married, just in for the weekend (wink) terminally straight. Those affairs are the worst. You go into them with your eyes open, knowing all the limitations, accepting them maturely. Then WHAM BAM, you’re writing letters to dear abbey and you’re burning black candles at midnight. And you ask yourself “Wah happened?” I’m gonna tell you “Wah happened?” You got just what you wanted. The person that thinks they’re mature enough to handle an affair that’s hopeless from the beginning is the very same person that keeps the publishers of gothic romances up to their tragic endings in mink. (holds a scarf up to his face) What do you think? Gorgeous, huh? (pause) Gimme a break, it’s still under construction. For those of you what ain’t yet guessed, I am an entertainer, or what’s left of one. I go by the name Virginia Ham. Ain’t that a kick in the rubber parts? You should hear some of my former handles: Anita Mann, Fonda Boys, Clair Voyant, Fay Ways, Bang Bang La Desh. Yeah, I’m among the last of a dying breed. Well, once the ERA and Gay Civil Rights Bills have been passed, me and mine will find ourselves swept under the carpets, like the blacks done to Amos, Andy and Aunt Jemima. Hey, that’s all right. With a voice and a face like this, what do I got to worry about? I can always drive a cab. You know there are easier things in this life than being a drag queen. But I ain’t got no choice. See, um….Try as I may, I just can’t walk in flats. (laughs) You know there was one guy once. His name was Charlie. Aw, he was everything you could want in an affair and more: he was tall, handsome, rich, deaf. The deafness was the “more.” He ain’t n