Went out, got hammered. Tried to get something resembling thoughts of what happened out of Chris, was ultimately frustrated and then hurt and then lashed out and now I’m broken, alone and scared I’ve lost him. Why? Makes no sense to me. He’s the one who did this, he’s the one who hurt me, he’s the one who said in effect “It’s not you, it’s me” and he’s the one who decided to start the seeds of something new whilst going out with me. So why am I the one worried about him? It’s all fucked up. So very fucked up. Work went well, chatted to Chris on and off but he kept saying things that eventually meant I had to leave the conversation. I’m sure he didn’t mean it maliciously but still, he knows words can hurt and his can cut like a knife. Gave Kris his piccies on CD, he could see I was in a bad way (I’d been walking down the road in tears) and went and bought chips then hid in Barcode (£1 a pint goodness!) and drank and thought and drank and thought more. So Chris has for whatever reason decided to leave me. No real idea why, just that he “knew” he had to do it. That’s the bit that’s got me stuck. That’s the bit that means I can’t just move on. We both said things we shouldn’t have last night. I told him his friends were “stupid” for suggesting he not speak to me again, although I suspect that’s because they don’t know the whole story - he seems to have a bit of a habit of wanting people to feel sorry for him over this and therefore not revealing everything. So now I’m going back over everything we said and did in my mind, sifting for truth and being somewhat concerned about it all. Much as I love him, I don’t want to be with someone who tells me what they think I want to hear, I’d much prefer the truth. And I don’t want to be with someone who can’t communicate his feelings to me and has to decide to end things without even discussing how he feels once. I still think he has reasons other than the ones he’s told me. I still think many things, but I can’t ask, I can’t talk. Every time I come close I feel the sickness in my stomach and my eyes well up. So what do I do now? Where do I go? I want very much for him to come over at the weekend, but I suspect he won’t after last night. I want very much to get over him, move on and just be friends, but I don’t know how at the moment. I want very much to just not be feeling like shit every day. It’s all too much. And mostly I want a Chris hug very very much