Still haven’t plucked up the courage to face my PC. Met up with mage after work for a swifty at CXR yesterday evening. Still so much work to do, still haven’t got the volition to do anything. Bah. I shall be doing lots today at a guess. So tomorrow I’m 32. I’ll be shiny and new for a day then the excitement will fade and I’ll be treading water again. Looking forward to Friday but in a pensive and selfish way. I won’t be able to build on it, I guess that’s what I want. Something I can build on. Last time I had that was with Jamesog, all those years ago. And I left him behind because he wouldn’t move. Ironic really that as soon as I left him he found his own way. He probably thinks that leaving me was the best thing he ever did. Ironic. So what do I do? Do I build something perfect for $someone to come and share as and when I find them? This is my root. This is what I feel most comfortable with. This is what I always do. This is also what I spent years doing after James, thinking “he’d like this” or “he’d be proud of me” as I completed each task I set myself. This isn’t necessarily a bad way to live, but not really true to myself. So I don’t build. Not until I have something to build with. Treading water. Do I leave? What is there left for me in London? I know I would upset people, but whilst I could still come and visit, what would be the problem? Would you swap the daily monotony of friendship for the brief joy of visits? Distance causes distance between people, a reunion a time of joy. Are we really incapable of not taking people for granted? I don’t think I can do that at the moment. Too many mechanical ties would need to be broken to leave London. Treading water. So do I continue what I’m doing? Travelling most weekends? When all I want is some space to myself? Travelling most weekends then berating myself for not having time to do the most basic of things...shopping, tidying, working on freakcity. It’s untenable. I’ll run out of money sooner or later and then be stuck, trapped. The whole of life is designed to hold me back. If I struggle, I suffer. Just once, let me be bright strong and true to myself? Today took an age to get to work. My bike must have reconstructed itself from lead in the night unbeknownst to myself. The lifts were out too so I had to carry it down 5 flights of stairs. Camera still fab. Chatted to Blue, will be doing a photoshoot for him a week Saturday. Might be doing something for Sunin too on Saturday evening. Means I’ll have to go from Kent to Birmingham in one day. Giggle. Apparently my blog is poetry. Thank you. Did you ever feel a wall? I mean really feel it? Put your tips against old brickwork reach out with your senses feel every last grain, every point, every dip feel the age of the sand feel the colour of the stone feel the coldness of the cement close your eyes and see the history feel the life echoes vibrate Do you understand now what a wall is? Small things interest me. I grow fixated on them. I let my mind close around them, nurture them, until they are ready for fruition. I sometimes wonder how I can ever be bored with so much texture around me to examine. How can people say that this world is harsh and unforgiving without understanding their part in it? Treading water. The action of keeping oneself afloat until one grows tired and sinks under the blue. Find me a log to cling to?