Work was dull. Prepared some for my review...fun! Cycled rather quickly home. Didn’t crash, much to certain people’s upset. Finished Green Wing season 2 a bit. Outstandingly weird stuff, but cool. I shall reacquire Jam and beam my way through it once more Chatted to Jonni. He’s just got his MacBook pro and was all excited, which was fun. Icky Mac nastiness Chatted to Nick too. He hurt his ickle tummy at the gym doing a widdle exercise. I told him he didn’t need to get a sixpack just for me, I’d have him simply on the basis of his strange mind, but hey... I am so mean. And so immensely bored of fixing other people’s code it’s untrue. One upon a time I wrote: [[the perfect words at the right time a shadow of suggestion in the right frame of mind only the lonely would go so far as to say maybe it’s better forever that way]] I’m only just starting to work out what I meant, all those years ago. I am not lonely any more. I used to fear being alone more than anything else in the world (partly to do with my childhood) but I don’t any longer. Sometimes I find myself craving alonetime. I’ll set of on my bike and cycle, vague destination in head, not really knowing how I’ll end up there, but somehow getting there in the end anyway. It’s how I cycled to Barking on Tuesday...interesting. I find that the physical exertion of cycling makes my brain work faster, it’s my “me” time. It replaces the space I used to use to blog on the bus/tube, but it works so much better. I almost crashed into a van this morning by being too cocky. Meh. Adrenaline rush before 9am is fun. Someone said to me last week that they were going to become as a fish, swimming through the gays, never settling down. I realised that that’s what I’ve become. Every person becomes a nexus, a choice, more often than not though I am choosing my own path. All the stuff I talked about doing last year, it’s done. I’m free of many of the ties that held me down, free from the pointless hangers on. I have a choice to make now. Do I take someone with me into the unknown or do I go it alone? For the first time in my life I’m contemplating doing it solo. The more time I spend without alcohol the clearer things become. The stronger I become. Is it just me? Would it affect everyone like this? Will my mind burn out, cycling over and over the same ideas and processes without the drug that used to slow it, numb it, stop it hurting? Will I feel too much, cut myself off from everyone in an attempt to find peace inside, only venture out on occasion? I have discovered that if my mental state is ok I can control what I get from others. If I am upset I feel their upset more, if I am happy I feel their happiness more. It’s quite strange, but somewhat logical I suppose. My feelings are amplified by those around me. I have also discovered I can scare myself by how accurate I’ve become in some ways. It’s good. So all in all, my brain’s a bit healthier than it was this time last year...Glastonbury is going to be interesting. Stood on the balcony last night. Sky a gorgeous brown colour from the reflected city below. And through gaps the moon could be seen, shrouded in mist, a deep rust. Very beautiful indeed. The city below vibrating with energy as the wind howled around the buildings and whipped the trees below