What do I do? How can I make it right? I’m going to bed for another sleepless night of thoughts spinning like shining catherine wheels through my mind, each one there, each one examinable, each one hurting if I get too close. Another sleepless night where I cry myself to sleep and I don’t even know why he’s ended up so special to me in such a short time. Crying for the loss. He won’t even speak to me at the moment. I know deep down why some of this is - I know that he unwittingly used almost exactly the same words as James did when he left me..."You were my first, you’ll always be special to me, we’ll always be close" and that simple fact has just reopened old wounds as well. I don’t think I ever told him that until I met him I used to think about James every day. Every single day. Wondering what he was doing, where he was going and being sure that our story hadn’t played out, that there was still a final act there. Guess that loss does that to a person...and so I have to cope with the new pain as well as the old pain. I just turned Lloyd away, I feel bad, but I need to be alone. I don’t want him to see me cry, I don’t want comfort, I deserve this and I just hate myself. I hate myself for getting drunk last night, something I promised myself I’d not do. And I hate myself for loving Chris and not just being able to let go. And I hate the guy that took him away from me, even though in my heart I knew he’d go anyway, even though I don’t even know him. So what choices do I have? Part of me just wants to run away. Leave everything, become nobody. Become a random person in the world going about their own business. Leave all this behind. I think I’ll go visit DanLad soon, try an get my head sorted a bit. Something, anything to be away from this, to be away from my PC and to be away from the little red icon on MSN that’s no longer online and tells me I might have fucked things up irreparably and entirely. I keep checking over and over and over, hoping he’ll come online, hoping he’ll give me some small shred of hope that things’ll be ok between us but it doesn’t happen. It never happens. Nothing ever works out for me.