www.krissearle.com Between light and dark is twilight. between the past and the future is the tiny moment that is now. We make that moment every second we breathe. It is as short as our smallest thought but the most important thing in our waking lives. And in a heartbeat it is gone, replaced by a new one. Sometimes we spend too much time divining the future to pay attention to now. And all we leave in our wake is damage. I live in the twilight. I don’t fit in. I define. I am capable of more than I appear, I just need to focus on the now. Life goes on. This one goes out to the one I love This one goes out to the one I’ve left behind Another prop has occupied my time This one goes out to the one I love. These words speak to me from the past but brimming with new meaning. I am lost between then and now, hiding in memories until they become little more than shadows - their meaning lost but their presence comforting. I have forgotten the power in the mind to create the present. I have tried to live as a person again and failed. I may find David later and deconstruct the population of a bar whilst getting hammered (and making him pay, of course, his guilt, my gain). James offered to take me to Paris for the weekend to cheer me up. So sweet. I just know that when I tell Chris he’ll ask if anything is going on, but I don’t make moves on other people’s partners, unlike some he knows. Bitterness washing off me like a bad smell. You’d think I’d have run out by now? I live in the twilight. I have forgotten the most important thing, that when we rise, we soon fall. It used to be a philosophy to live my life by, now it’s an unused construct in the annals of my mind. It’s time to stop coasting. It’s time to stop simply being. It’s time to fight, to create, to make things happen. It’s also time to be late for work. Stupid buses. Friday was a mess. The flip side to having been the happiest I have been in years is what happens when you lose sight of the now. It was a mess. I was a mess. Saturday I coded. Fucked about online. Lloyd came over. TJ was on about how he was having steak cooked for him, so we went on a hunt for steak of our own with Justin (straylight). Lloyd offered to pay as I was skint, which was sweet of him. Ended up at Browns at Shad Thames. Managed not to think throughout the starter, tiger prawns. Justin had the baked camonbert. We all dunked. I had rare fillet steak for main. They all went “ew” at the blood. Not overly impressed. I prefer steak fresh, not just tenderised with a hammer to within an inch of its former life. No desert. Walked up the South Bank to XXL, went in for a beer. Stopped en route for a toilet break for Justin. Spent a while looking out over the dark majesty of the Thames, flowing away from me, black in the night. I love the river, I can’t imagine not living walking distance from it any more. There’s such power in water...all answers flow through its streams, every last thing the human race knows contained in its drops. Water is the key to the universe, it brings life where no life comes before and is the god of all things. Phil had said he’d guestlist me but hadn’t, ah well. Bumped into JJ, the first chaser I ever fancied/met. Tho that soon stopped after he tried to buttfuck me bareback in the darkroom one time when pissed. I know all the best people. Said hello, he sorta looked awkward as he was with someone else and then ran off to the garden. Bless. Left sharpish as we were all feeling a bit crap (possibly due to overeating, possibly on Justin’s part because of all the runny cheese swilling around inside him...) Headed home. Sunday was a bit fuzzy. Having stayed up waaay too late on Sat night I managed to get up at 8:30 and start coding. TJ was late home so eyesclosed and another guy arrived before he was back. Left t