Aww. Pwetty picture Spinning around in my head is the notion to escape. The notion that great people are doing great things around me and all I need to do is stand up and make my voice heard. I close my eyes and see the people I missed for so long. I feel alive, I feel new again, but I feel out of place. This life that has kept me secure and warm for so long no longer seems to fit. I need to change it as I needed to change myself. I have started with a new job. I need a new place to live too. And I need some new friends. Some of my old friends will come with me but not many, this I know. I am concerned that a couple that won’t come with me are very very close friends but I have to do what I can do for myself, not for anyone else. This is my deal, no-one can help me, they can merely reach out for me when I need them, hold me and let me be weak for a time in their arms. The world is changing around me and I’m seeing its patterns in a new way that I hadn’t before. It’s startling and brilliant. Surprising and scary, in the way only something bigger than everything else could be. Regardless of all the shit that happened, David did do one good thing for me. He woke me up. Friday opened my eyes to a few things that I knew as fact before the event. It was quite interesting. Mixed in with the lies were truths about a few things, was nice to get confirmation. The excuses were typically clutching at straws and the reasons for the actions weren’t as true as the person telling me believed them to be, but that’s his business now. I’m not sure if he realises yet how different things are now. He will. And he will adapt or he will not be my friend, just like the rest. David told me he got a job at Hägen Dazs. And he said he’d got it on his own and without the boss fancying him. Heh. I need chocolate. And they’ve run out of nice sweetie things. Bah. So, after a little practice and a bit of a rough start I can move between moods in a way I never used to be able to. I can switch my depression off, I can go from deep to flippant in half a sentence and I suspect I can probably annoy people far more intricately than I used to be able to. I’m also slowly remembering the things I used to be capable of. Slowly finding that I can still achieve what I used to do. It’s just like riding a bike, I just haven’t done it in years. My writings are more coherent, my throught processes faster. I no longer feel asleep all day long. I can manage to stay focussed better and I am sharper. I bought berocca as I’ve been too long without it and my health is wobbling due to lack of sensible eating habits. This should make my body stronger and give me more energy. Saturday I had a tiny bit of a hangover. I spent the day contemplating how to remove myself from this hole I’m in. Piece by piece, is the general wisdom my brain tells me. So I spent some time creating what will be my new photography website. I need to finish it soon though and see if I can sell on it. David who was skint popped out “on my own” to Hägen Dazs and somehow managed to return with money, fags and having been drinking cocktails all afternoon. Took Teej, James and me to the Swan for ChavFest ’05 but got horribly bored and came home. Showed David Gattaca, although he sat through the whole thing wrapped in a ball. He claimed he was ok but really was doing his best to hold everything in. It was strange. Sunday I was up fairly early. Considered doing some work on Kris’s pages but was having a very depression filled day so didn’t really want to do anything at all. Made myself sort out some kitchen and some bedroom and then take TJ out for a photoshoot. Little pieces of my flat going right lead me up and out of the hole. Came back and finished cooking the pork I’d started before we went out. Wanted to show Teej the Children of Dune thing but I can’t find it. I blam