Where did I lose myself? I am a slave once again to how I feel inside. Nothing seems to stop it. People tell me all they want but I know what truth is. And I know when they use it. I need to get away, I need a break, that much is sure. I also kneed far more from David than I’m going to get so I have to work out how the fuck to balance a friendship that means a lot to me with me being hurt. I cried myself to sleep last night. Thankfully he didn’t notice... We talked lots yesterday about brokenness - and we plotted to make things shiny and good. But if I’m not happy, which I’m not, then Adam reflects that in me and isn’t happy. Which is a very very bad thing, as Saturday night will attest to. I felt torn in two. It was horrible. And because I felt it, Adam felt it. And because Adam is broken, badness ensued. So my choice is this - sit in the background, waiting in the wings, hoping one day I’ll be noticed even though I know it’s not going to happen. Each time he finds someone, me feeling a little more dead inside. Or do I seal myself off from him, keep it all inside, and randomly explode from time to time when he’s not around? Or do I throw this one back, even though he’s helped me a lot and I love him. Deal with the pain, get over him and move on? All I know is I have never met anyone like him before and I love him. But that he has the capability to hurt me and I don’t trust him enough to give him the chance to. I’m going to see Dan today. The company of a violent and needy ex boyfriend is infinitely preferrable to me than staying here on my own knowing where David is tonight.