Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
The perfect words at the right time
The question of suggestion but I don’t mind
Only the lonely would dare to say
Maybe it’s better forever that way
I was so pretentious as a teenager. And reading my previous post I see nothing’s changed at all 
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Pome
The thoughts that were then They happened a while back When everything shone And summer appeared The rust of the dawn Has crept over the land And death waits for us all The people I love They hold me tight Hold me on high I own the world But one by one they fall And slowly I falter And slide to the floor The longest road I ever took Is the one that brought me to your door
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Crossroads
I have a choice in life now. Do I carry on how I am, making my life work, in the hope I get rewarded at the end of it, or do I escape, build a different life in a different place and make it all gravy groovy baby? Nikki is coming down for Pride. Yay. Gaz is taking me to lunch Sunday. Yay! I might have to work Saturday. *cry*
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My mixed up muddled up world
Sometimes life throws you a curveball. So Americans say anyway, what the fuck is a curveball anyway?
OK, so it’s a ball that curves, but hey...
Last few days have been lost in the thoughts whirling through my head. I’ve stopped feeling I need to run away from everything and started feeling more positive about stuff. I’m sure it’ll last a long long time. No really.
*snigger*
Dinner tonight with Miles and company to celebrate his end-of-examsness
Dinner last night with David at the “Gourmet Pizza Company”. Hur. £4.75 for 8 mushrooms dunked in garlic butter and grilled a bit. Don’t think I’ll be doing there again - was bad enough last time
Windypops with David, James, a very very late Adam and various other people including a random bloke from freakcity who recognised me from somewhere then realised it was freakcity when he realised it was mine. *giggle*
Too much beer. Not enough sleep.
Woke bolt upright awake at 6:30 - no idea why. Eventually fell back asleep and then dragged myself out of bed when my alarm went off. Very hard work...
Sunday was spent barbecuing faggots for freakcity’s 2nd birthday. Filthy filthy faggots.
Saturday took TJ and Adam to XXL - hooked up with David and then took TJ to the dark room for shits and giggles.
We almost literally congad around it, the four of us. Then we lost each other and ran all over the place trying to find each other again. Funneh.
Fruitbat was around on Friday, yay! He was a little bit drunk. As was I. And everyone else...oops. Fun though
Sheep mouthed man came back. Gaz’s special shag was there but couldn’t remember my flat, Gaz, being anywhere near me before. Couldn’t remember Adam either, who’d made him coffee. All a bit scary.
Fun though 
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I had to.
www.post-literate.com/gerpunx/archives/hasselhoffian-recursion.gif Someone just accused my boss of fancying him...*giggle*
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My eyes hurt.
Wil is dirty
Adam came home at last - apparently he’s been mugged but is ok, but no longer has his phone, although why that stopped him answering the other one is anyone’s guess
Lots of work done. Calendar fixed. Annual report done for KHRP.
Free from work at last, maybe I’ll be able to do some Beta...
Need to follow up a lead from Justin
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Foo...
My new calendar has bugs. Bah. That’s what I’ll be doing today. The fun!
I’m going to be late to work because the tubes/DLR are conspiring against me. Fuckers.
Out at Retro. No sign of faded pornstars - tho Sal was with the “policeman” from Skaterboy - I may download it just to see how big his cock is - does that make me shallow? 
David was out with John and another friend of his, whose name I think was José. Gaz does *NOT* look butch in his work uniform. Freak count was high. Real ones, I mean - there were a bunch of them being fucking annoying by the side of the stage. Speaking of annoying - two blokes just got on with a mandolin and a violin and are “serenading” us. If I’d wanted to live in the dark ages I’d have been born there.
Sang “Losing my Religion”.
It’s getting harder to say goodbye to David - bah. Told him I was sorta falling for him a bit - no real response. He’s so lovely but I just wish he’d tell me one way or the other how he felt...
Home to an empty flat with a very clean kitchen courtesy of TJ - earlyish to bed and then odd dreams. Dreamt of being on a boat - it sank but came back up - we were taking a journey I’d done before but that no-one else had. And we were being led the wrong way. And then the opening bars of the Requiem for a Dream OST woke me and left me all confused for a bit.
TJ was asleep under a duvet on the balcony. Awwh. He looked so cute - the pisshead...
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Hmmmmm....
James survived, was online yesterday. Phew.
* Scott giggles
Met up with David after work, went round Tescos and bought cups, salad, icecream, cutlery and wine. Went to Soho Sq. I had the salad and David had ALL of the icecream. The fatty
Went to Barcode for more drinks, then left at 11:30ish - got home to find a bored TJ waiting there so went to the Swan where I slurred my way through a tired old song with no real care or attention. And coz I was pissed I thought I was excellent!
Home, drank chocolate stuff with alcohol in it. Fell into bed. Slept through alarm. In work an hour late (oops) making the time up now. About to go to Retro to see keybuk and gaz and say hello. Have texted David to see if he wants to come, may phone him in a bit. Man I feel like shite.
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Half done...
Too many debts - gah!
Council Tax summons - have discovered I wasn’t paying it - no idea why, am sure it was a DD but hey ho. CC bills (oops) phone bill, leccy, etc. Grr.
Remind me to win the lottery 
Andy, my stepdad, is back home - he has a large blood clot going from the back of his knee down his calf and is on drugs and injections to thin his blood and (hopefully) safely break up the clot. It’s scary when a doctor says “if you feel the slightest chest pain, call an ambulance immediately”. Mum seems to be holding up ok though.
James phoned - He’d drunk a bottle of vodka and taken some dodgy pills - commented on how he’s fine in London but does stupid things like that in the North. He invited me to Manc for the weekend but I don’t think I can get there so won’t be going...
Tried to explain that drink + uppers = badness (they counteract each other - very easy to get alcohol poisoning) but not sure if he was paying attention. Will phone tonight and make sure he’s ok...
Got half the KHRP annual report finished...bleh
Bit disturbed by stuff at the weekend. I don’t like being lied to just so someone else can save face. He should know better.
Going to attempt to see David this evening - was thinking we might picnic in a park if it’s nice...
Today is freakcity’s birthday. Today 2 years ago myself and Jamesog took our vague ideas and made them reality - we registered the domain and started work on the site
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Argh.
Bless (Small).JPG A week with no blogs.
I’ve been ill, I’ve been stressed, I’ve had no money, I’ve gained a new lodger, I’ve become single, I’ve considered not being single and realised it’s not worth it any more and I’ve accidentally groped a cute 18yr old in bump’s bed.
So all in all it was kinda like a rollercoaster.
My stepdad Andy is ill - they suspect a blood clot, but aren’t sure. So am worried about mum as I’ve not been able to catch her yet inbetween her trips to the hospital so only got sporadic updates via text. They came down weekend before last and he had a hurt leg, we thought it might be a pulled muscle or something, but it seems it might have been more serious...
Been out a bit, but not much. Have a virus of some description so mostly feel wiped out and shite at the moment.
Went round the thames on a boat with TJ yesterday. Viewed crusties celebrating somethingorother. Saw breastwomen fly past raising money for cancer. Didn’t see any of the walk for life people. Wouldn’t have liked to do that yesterday, it was 33°C
TJ cleaned the balcony yesterday. It looks shiny again - I took a photograph of him on it which is really cute...aww...
Watched The Inside too. And Dr Who. And the pilot of Global Frequency.
Global Frequency was sort of interestingish in a “Mission Impossible” meets the Matrix type way, It just wasn’t very good. Probably why it didn’t get picked up...
Doctor Who was cool, but a bit “convenient” in the average Startrek episode sort of way. The heart of the tardis is the Eye of Harmony, not something that looks like an extra from ghostbusters. And the Eye of Harmony is a captured black hole which shouldn’t exist any more if the Timelords have been destroyed. As all the Tardis’ in existance used the same one...
But still, it was ok. The Anne-Droid was funny. Jack should have stayed dead (coz they just left him there anyway). Rose should have stayed dead because then it would have leant more gravitas to proceedings. Rose’s eyeshadow defies the laws of gravity. The new doctor shouldn’t have arrived right as rain at all. Etc...
The Inside was cool. Good Jossian links there, Jane Espenson+David Fury exec producing,Many Buffy/Angel directors, Ben Edlund, and co created by Tim Minear. Plus Adam Baldwin. Not 100% sure if it’ll be gorgeous, but it’s definitely watchable
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Meh!
The time is wrong on my palm. Woe is me!
Been ill all weekend as well as the arse of last week too - no fun at all - really need sleep but couldn’t last night as I kept coughing lots. Makes me feel totally run down and crappy
Mostly all I want to do is run away and hide - just not see or speak to anyone - which is somewhat impractical when having to hold down a full-time job - so I don’t know what to do any more. Even the things I enjoy don’t hold the same appeal any more. Not really done any photos in ages - not got the will to do any freakcity 2 - just feel like I need a holiday but not even sure I can do that as work is manic at the moment.
Grr. I hate being like this. Am skint too which doesn’t help at all. Just feel like I’m slipping away and have no way to stop myself. And my gran feels it all but there’s nowt I can do to stop her from feeling it. It’s a lovely “blessing” my family has.
• 20:04: bleh
Jimmy just popped in and I’m in the completely wrong mood for company so prob thinks I still hate him or something, even though I don’t. Oh well. Bleh.
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Blogget
Chatted to Mum a bit yesterday. She seemed down, Andy is away for a week and his gran died yesterday morning and so he can’t be with the family - so he’s angry. His dad is taking it hard and seems to be in shock, and so he feels helpless. And mum can’t help because Andy is stuck in Nottingham all week and not Norwich
Cheered her up a bit (I hope) but will continue to phone her some more this week as she’s on her own at home.
Everyone was out within half an hour from when I got home last night, it was lovely and peaceful. I sat online for a bit, didn’t really do much else except chill out and chat to a few people. Wasn’t really in a social mood at all.
I’d popped into Retro to listen to Jen talk about babies and Phil talk about small fluffy creatures that live in his head. Nothing new there then
I think I might be coming down with tonsilitis. My throat hurts lots and I feel all sweaty. It’s icky.
I still feel I may write something short and songlike soon.
“Thirteen words to end my pain” or some such horribly pretentious title.
Harry’s staying tomorrow night, with Chris. We’re all going out for Bex’s leaving do, going to the George. It’s mad in there
Speaking of Harry, Tara wrote a letter to the Prime Minister, after she watched “A Letter to the Prime Minister”, Jo and Julia’s film about Iraq and the occupation that I donated a wodge of cash to earlier this year.
Tara is 11 and made it almost all the way through the film before disappearing upstairs. Fair enough, Harry thought, as it’s a bit of a gruesome subject matter for an 11yr old.
She came back down with a letter which read:
Dear Tony Blair,
I writing to you on behalf of my concerns for Iraq. I have just watched a film containing scenes of children being taken into hospital and having to have operations because bombs have fallen on there houses. Most of there families have not survived. One man had a wife and they had been married for just one week before a bomb fell on there house and killed his wife along with his sister and another girl. It is awful that people of such a young age have been forced to live in this sort of environment. Where are the weapons of mass destruction that you so eagerly went to war for? Millions of people are dying every day because of this and you are not giving them enough time to help the innocent people that have been hurt in the war. On the film was a little boy who had severe cuts on one side of his face. Did that little boy ever attack you? There was a girl of just 14 who would probably never be able to walk again and had deep gashes in her head.
One house had been bombed that had no landmark near for the bomber to aim at and yet they WERE bombed. I am only 11 years of age and already I know that what you are doing is wrong.
Yours sincerly
Miss. T. Harris
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RIP
Anne Bancroft has died of cancer 
uk.imdb.com/name/nm0000843/
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The time of the turning is too late to try
I thought I’d make up a random title, randomly. Then I thought about writing some words, in a semicoherent manner. Then I realised the futility of life and got drunk. The only point to life is to learn. Drink knowledge like a sweet liqueur. But what if you don’t thirst for it? What if you only wish for one thing? Is it selfish to deny the rest of the world your prescence, simply because you don’t want to be a part of it? Yes. Think of the lives you could save. Your own. Other people. Other people of late are grating on me. I think things will come to a head soon. Maybe I’ll explode a bit and feel better. Maybe I’ll cry into my pillow for a change and just let go. Just letting go is what I want to do right now. I hate being tied down so much and I am so tied down at the moment it hurts. Still, at least that knowledge allows me to be free. For if I was one of the sheep with no clue as to my bindings I would be trapped by them.
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My head is not your friend
You call I listen You cry I comfort You leave I wave You return I smile The only thing I have in this world Is you The only thing I want in this world Is you The only thing I need in this world Is you The only thing You want in this world Is death Words may cut like a knife but they can also melt like butter on the lips of the accuser.
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Left open, empty in despair...
+Friday+. Beer. No Davie so hugged Owen instead. Gaz arrived and we Swanned. Think it was fun - don’t really remember *snigger*
Bought much kebab and hotwing goodness.
Saturday I mostly spent regretting the hotwings. Made Adam tidy his room before I let him go out and so when he was an hour and a half late to meet Ben and Ali I got the blame for it as opposed to the truth. Grr.
Getting increasingly pissed off with feeling like I’m running a fucking hotel. Plus between them they’ve eaten most of the food (only leaving the stuff it might possibly take some effort to prepare) and I can’t afford to buy more. So maybe they’ll stop being so twattish when they realise the magic fridge isn’t going to restock itself...
Went out to meet David for coffee after work - had a good chat for an hour or so and then walked him home - Avoided the Swan as I was knackered - shame though as Owen was there.
Sunday I woke up waay too early - then went back to bed again. Then got up again to find a text from David inviting me to the KA for karaoke. Not my scene, but I’d probably even go to Tory HQ if it meant spending more time with him. How fucking sad am I?
Forgot to phone mommy. Oops!
Went microphone shopping. Johnny will kill me for it as I didn’t ask him what to buy. But that’s because I’m on a budget, so ner....anyway - my old “Argos £10 karaoke” one is shockingly noisy and requires hefty noise gating to make work so thought I’d get a slightly better one.
Speaking of João - he now has a pro-tools system powering GigaStudio. The flash bastard. Can’t wait to hear what he can come up with when he has a whole “orchestra” to play with
And I wonder if he remembers that I was the one who told him about GigaStudio last year
To give you an idea. Most of the outstanding orchestral Angel and Buffy music towards the end was created using it, not real orchestras...
Met up with David + Anthony (who I actually sorta managed to have a conversation with this time ) for coffee and CEX - Was talking bout the microphone and singing in general and mentioned about João teaching me some how to sing. David mentioned he knew exactly what I was talking about as he’d listened to João trying to teach Peter to sing. *giggle*
The music in CEX is decidedly dodgy. Think I’ll stick to eBay for my wares.
Wandered back to Costa where we had a bit of a gossip about various people we both know (does Peter know ALL the people I’ve shagged/been out with or what? João, both James’, Seppey (ok, didn’t shag him 
), various other people...). Giggled a bit about various things too, then buggered off to the KA where Davie sulked at being on water only (he’s on medication for his tonsils) and claimed he was boring. Not helped by a rather boring man telling him that it wasn’t boring just to drink soft drinks. Because the boring man did by choice so it was all ok, right? Hur. Met another nice bloke who’s name I’ve forgotten. Sang “Left Outside Alone” sorta ok. Well, I say sang, more screamed...if I make my voice big then the bears can’t get me
Listened to someone singing Lulu from outside. Sadly my cunning plan to stay there ended up with me being rained on so I had to go back in.
Bumped into a very strange man who I used to talk to years ago on shagdar. He’s from Dubai or something and has awful English. HE fancies me (well duh!) and tried to put his hands down my shorts at the bar. Scary. “You know me” over and over again. I think he was pissed too. He really didn’t want to take no for an answer...
So ran away from the bar and died of embarassment on Davie who thought it was all terribly funny and ran off to see if he could spot him. He did and returned and told me how scary he looked. I agreed. His profile didn’t have facepics on it, Davie reckoned that if he’d have looked like that his wouldn’t either.
So we’re stood at the door out of the rain and I need the loo but don’t want to go for fear of being f
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Lazy Sunday in the sun...
Oops. Davie is here. Will continue tomorrow...
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Badabing
I am currently running 13 minutes late. Whoops...
Wednesday was a “too much drink” day. Retro after work to meet moogal, mickstar, (who were down for the day) thecanadian (who I made join - muahaha!), jimmy, mogwai, mattnottm, mage and probably loads more. I sang Road Trippin’ and it sorta worked. Adam turned up in his shocking trousers. notdan arrived (it was his birthday) and we all swam around in beer for a while. The guy who was in Retro the night before with the one in the dress was there. And it transpired he was smess’s shag from Friday. Spookeh!
Ended up going to Amateur Strip - Davie came too because James tried to convince him to get naked *smirk*
Bleh. Too much drink. Got home - Adam drank bong water and passed out. I drank normal water and went to bed.
Yesterday I got in on time for the company meeting (somehow) and did some work. Met Davie after work as we were meant to be going to the cinema, but decided against it as we were both still fucked from the night before and suspected we’d just fall asleep. His wisdom tooth is coming through and he is in pain so we went in search of ice cream. Walked the length of London looking for a banana split and eventually found one in Maxwells - Covent Garden. It was crap. I mean, £11 for a burger? Blurgh! Highly amusing though watching the waiter’s face as Davie asked her for a Banana Split and chips. And then watching him dip the chips in it...*smirk* Went for coffee and then picked the TJ and Adam show up from Retro and fucked off home for an earlyish night.
Up on time - brief stop on gaydar chat to giggle at people who just don’t get it - one of them said of me “never has anyone said so much and contributed so little” - I like that - might keep it
Was nice to talk to Boxx again though...
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Goodness. Where did all my time go?
Wurk woz fun.
Met Davie after work - “I got sacked”
“Why?!”
“My boss told me he fancied me and I said ‘no’ so he told me not to bother coming in again. Why does this always happen to me?”
We giggled a bit.
Bought him coffee and we both yawned at each other some and then went to Retro to see if Wendy was hiring. She wasn’t. Bah Bumped into sexylushcrazycool and his loud and embarrassing faghag. Embarrassing as Daz got a tad embarrassed when she turned to Davie and says “He fancies you, do you like him?”.
“Well, we’ve only just met, I don’t know him”
Good answer
Ran away from spiritusmundispit’s quiz and hid upstairs. log was on the bar, so said hello and had a drink.
A man in a dress sat next to us.
Davie will talk to anything.
Two seperate statements, but when combined lead to amusement. Bloke in dress going on about how he can’t understand David because he’s speaking Canadian at him. Bloke’s mate trying to stab him loudly with a safety pin. That kinda thing...
Walked to Barcode after for a drink. Davie got accosted by a small annoying man going on about how rich and important he was. Hur. Went on for 5 minutes and then he asked Davie to go home with him. Snigger.
“I would love to but I have to say no”
“But why”
“I have to get up”
“I’ll get you up, my boyfriend is a surgeon, he’ll be up early and can wake you”
“I’m sorry but I still have to say no”
“But why”
Etc. Twice over the span of the evening, tho that was possibly Davie’s fault for saying “Ask me again after a few beers”
Went to the bar and Davie had acquired someone new by the time I got back. Some scottish bloke who was a little pissed and possibly called William although I don’t strictly remember. Bit hairy and scary but quite lovely. Scary as he followed Davie to the loo and took photos of him on his phone in there. Hur.
“I moved to London to be anonymous” he said. “Why did you move here?”
“Oh someone bought me a plane ticket...”
“And you?” he turns to me.
“Have you ever been to Norwich?” I reply.
“Fair point”
Bizarre conversation.
Sleepy now. How am I gonna manage to stay awake the whole day? And go to Retro tonight? *giggle*
Anyways, left Barcode at 1am and then went to get the bus. Both of us slightly trashed by this point. Zoomed home (Davie walked, he lives just by Waterloo) and then waved Adam’s trousers at Davie on webcam and went to bed.
Got up, spoke to Adam in faceparty just to scare him, then came to work.