“why do you always make it sound so bad?” Says David. So of course I don’t tell him the real reason... Owen may visit tonight or tomorrow. Though he might not Warren is leaving today for a bit too. You’ll be ok or I’ll kick your ass Some people say that when a truth needs to be known it makes itself known in many places at once. Some say that this is why human evolution is mirrored across the globe. As is human development. Someone loves me. They sent me a text at 11:15pm to tell me so. But who? I don’t have that number... People continue to be unsurprising. I prefer it this way. Chatted some to gayrath yesterday, haven’t caught him online in ages - was good. Told Owen something in error and then felt really bad about it when I realised. Bah. Need to sleep better then I won’t make mistakes such as this. Thought about the world on the bus. Could it be that the world since bush has been a more uncertain/dangerous place? Could it be that the minds of 6bn people caught in the middle are the reason the earth is seeming/being more hostile? I have noticed a change over the last 10 years — that is far too short a span to be geological, or global warming, without any external effect. I don’t know answers. I need more practice at truth. Then I will find answers. Had too much pizza and too much Babylon 5. Fed Gaz some Serenity stuff. Chatted to Warren, who needed to talk some. It’s cool...he knows he can trust me I think which is shiny. Thought about shit and realised that exactly a week from yesterday I’d be sat watching Serenity and exactly a week after that I’d be 31. Scary. I can remember when I wouldn’t talk to people over 25 because that was so old... I have been in London almost exactly 8 years now. 8 years that have flown past, yet I can’t really remember anything else. How did I manage to live day to day, hand to mouth, on £30 a week and still manage to be happy? How did I afford to live? I get what, twenty times that now? And still I can’t make ends meet. Read Adam’s blog today. Not sure what to make of it. If he’s implying that I used him as a “cash cow” then he’s incorrect, I discussed with him when TJ moved in about the rent issue. He told me he could pay it. I told him I’d treat him and TJ equally, he agreed that that was fine. He reneged on that. He sent me a message telling me he missed me and that he wanted to talk. So that’s what we’ll do, maybe I’ll get to the bottom of this. I just need him to understand that I’m upset about a few things that I shan’t discuss here (and haven’t discussed here) as they are the kinds of things that would damage people. I also really need him to understand that saying “I’ve always said to people that I am me, no more, no less, take me for what I am” is a horrible and cheap way to get out of any responsibility to friends for your own behaviour. If you feel alone and you feel like no-one knows you then it’s your own fault for making yourself feel alone, by making yourself a different person by not being truthful. I know, I’ve been there. I’ve done that. How can people know who you are when you only show them what they want to see? There is wisdom in dropping the facade, letting the world see you for who you truly are, and accepting that you can’t be everyone’s friend. Those that truly care will be there for you. But only if you treat them with honesty, respect, and compassion. It doesn’t work if it’s all surface and deep down you don’t really care. “Sorry, I’m crap” every time you let someone down isn’t an excuse or an apology unless you stop doing it.