Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
Changing faces
So close no matter how far Couldn’t be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don’t just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know So close no matter how far Couldn’t be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don’t just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they say Never cared for games they play Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know And I know So close no matter how far Couldn’t be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are No nothing else matters / — Metallica /
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I...
...appear to have a new job. Yay me!
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Quietly apart
To you it may seem like apathy, this watching, this waiting To me it seems like saving a life I look through everyone, finding the people I keep with me All fractured. I am drawn to the breaks, a pain junkie Knowing I have the power to heal but not the confidence to be able Hiding what I am, what I feel. I am not the person you know. I am something else. All you know of me is the kaleidoscopic reflections of my friends From each one I draw a piece of myself And arrange them in an elaborate persona so I don’t have to find myself People find me agreeable as I become their compliment. The opposite side of their coin. The yin to their yang. All the time I am watching, waiting. When they fall I pick them up. And feast on their goodwill. But now the guilt I carry with me overwhelms. Now the sleeper will awaken I will shine and I will fight Even though I know the price. As I’ve said before, my fatal flaw The love of loss.
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And so it begins...
Where did I lose myself? I am a slave once again to how I feel inside. Nothing seems to stop it. People tell me all they want but I know what truth is. And I know when they use it. I need to get away, I need a break, that much is sure. I also kneed far more from David than I’m going to get so I have to work out how the fuck to balance a friendship that means a lot to me with me being hurt. I cried myself to sleep last night. Thankfully he didn’t notice... We talked lots yesterday about brokenness - and we plotted to make things shiny and good. But if I’m not happy, which I’m not, then Adam reflects that in me and isn’t happy. Which is a very very bad thing, as Saturday night will attest to. I felt torn in two. It was horrible. And because I felt it, Adam felt it. And because Adam is broken, badness ensued. So my choice is this - sit in the background, waiting in the wings, hoping one day I’ll be noticed even though I know it’s not going to happen. Each time he finds someone, me feeling a little more dead inside. Or do I seal myself off from him, keep it all inside, and randomly explode from time to time when he’s not around? Or do I throw this one back, even though he’s helped me a lot and I love him. Deal with the pain, get over him and move on? All I know is I have never met anyone like him before and I love him. But that he has the capability to hurt me and I don’t trust him enough to give him the chance to. I’m going to see Dan today. The company of a violent and needy ex boyfriend is infinitely preferrable to me than staying here on my own knowing where David is tonight.
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Cry me a river...
...is apparently really mean about Britney and why some (presumably white and heterosexual) blogger doesn’t like Justin Timberlake. Because I’m sure that Mr Timberlake like gives a shit or something... Weird Day. Adam came home - did his Tarot - Wheel of fortune as the outcome and seven of cups in his future lead me to be quietly optimistic, although there was nothing about illness getting better - also we were both very broken. Asked them if David would come home - they said probably not. Asked them if I’d lost him - they said “yes”. I tend to agree. Tricky time yesterday. Talked with mum lots on the phone. She apologised for any bad vibes I got on Thursday - apparently she got the accounts she was after but if they’d have failed they’dve probably have had to shut the office. Leaks in the flat are worse. Going to talk to the agency and see if I can get a rent discount until it’s fixed. David is moving out, which makes me sad. He is looking for himself - but I think he is looking in all the wrong places. I refrained from asking the tarot anything mean. Slept really badly. All the things I said running through my head, the nagging feeling that things were different because he chose for them to be. The truth a very pissed and broken Gaz said to me on Sunday. We’ll see. Chatted with João about the rest of my life sucking - he wasn’t surprised at all to find out David had moved in (tho he was a little cynical about it, comparing me to Peter 1 year ago) but he was also really sweet and offered to split the cost of me going to Lisbon to see him for a bit. So yeah. Hurt, Skint and Jealous are my words of the day. How many times have I been *here* before. The only thing keeping me in London is addiction to the money here. All other paths lead elsewhere. The three words that break a person were uttered yesterday. And now I feel empty. But calm. I think I shall spend lunch by the river - it will ground me with its majesty and electrical field. My mind is filled with a kaleidoscope of colours - endless opportunities - I know I need to leave the past behind. And in my head plays the sweet strains of “The Morrow” by Michael Nyman. Seemingly without the need for earphones.
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It’s raining in my flat!
Home last night - really bad mood - would like to say “not sure why” but I know. Talked to ref:Johnny some - he was complaining about his voice not being good enough again. Told him he’ll never be happy if he spends his whole life wishing to have the voice of other people. It was raining in my flat again. Kitchen, office and bathroom. ref:Gaz apparently was over whilst I was away and bathroom ceiling fell on him. Hur. Work was dull - more bugfixing. Arranged to work from home though this morning so I could talk to Jo from the property management place about my internal rain issues. Took some photos of it too and emailed it to them. Maybe I can get a rent reduction or something until it’s fixed - will ask. Zaty and Refugee are back from their travels and were at Windypops last night - was good to see them Rob is being naughty. Skinter than I thought. Shit.
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Life sucks
Things you have cherished Now making you squirm Ya ... YOU’VE HAD HER And it’s all over now Why you were pining You haven’t a clue Ya ... YOU’VE HAD HER And it’s all over now It’s all over now - for you It’s all only started - for her Ah ... And the one thing on your mind Is : where is the next in line ? As the words to all the love songs Start making sense To the girl So Far Away /-- Morrissey /
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Back home.
My last night in Amsterdam was spent watching family arguments and watching gay cruising - although it was dull as fuck and we were knackered. Got lovely gnatbites as souvenirs as well. Suspected we should have brought popcorn for the show in the rose garden *smirk* Sooo sleepy. Oops. We slept on the floor of the livingroom one last time then got up as early as we could manage and left. Had breakfast at an incredibly rude restaurant and got the ticket for David’s train journey to Hoek - we hung around the platform as we were bored and then got on the train (after some abuse from a very impolite employee). We spent a stressful half hour or so unsure if we were on the right bit of train until we got to the hook. After a long but amusing wait at customs (we were stood there as someone leapt over the barriers and tried to leg it out of the station - the customs officers staring on in disbelief until one of them woke up enough to shout and chase him) we installed ourselves on the boat. Discovered they have free wifi onboard. Bah. Just as I discovered I only had a few minutes left of battery life in ref:libby as well. Cockjockeys. Waved at IRC from the middle of the channel and then we chatted about stuff, which made me feel a bit better. Watched a bunch of pissed English people on the dancefloor and decided the journey was much nicer when in company. The english people were immensely funny. David was convinced that one or two were gay but I think they were just pissed and doing the usual “straight bloke love in thing” that straight blokes do when pissed, kissing and cuddling each other. As they danced with their litre bottles of foul looking coloured liquids...*cackle* They played “Hey Jude”. Bad move, we were accompanied through UK customs by “Nah nah nah nanana naaaaaaah, nanana naaaaaaaaah, Hey Jood...” as we got back into Britain. We made sure we were way in front of them, thankfully they didn’t get on the train as well. Back to the (by now pretty full) flat. Both David and myself feeling pretty fucking asleep - surrounded by loud drinking homosexualists... Eleven of us managed XXL - David, myself, Adam, TJ, Sunin, Matt, Lloyd, Dave, Warren, James and Ollie. Met Warren at Tower Gateway and Ollie was already in there. Was a great atmosphere and had a really good time. James was a bit the worse for wear (it being his birthday an all) and Adam was too (it also being his birthday an all) - David managed to scrounge us a lift home then we sat up, watched the dawn rise and I chatted lots to Warren about stuff to do with everything going on in my life as well as to Lloyd about stuff too. The barbecue was interesting as I was knackered and not in the best of moods. It was so fucking hot too. Everyone was inside the flat melting because it was cooler than being outside in the sun. So I sat outside on my own with my guitar and played “Don’t Fear the Reaper” a few hundred times to myself in the shade of the building next door. David came back with Steve and random person (who is apparently called Mark and an older gay - probably one of Adam’s) wandered around tidying my kitchen. So I left them to it. Barbecued stuff...ate stuff. Watched everyone else drinking. Found out some things I really didn’t want to know about a couple of friends. Quietly took it all on board for later analysis. I need sleep, much more than I’ve been getting I think. I was a bit teary on David (ironic as if he hadn’t been there I’d not have been teary ). Went to bed at about 10:30, David came in and we chatted about an hour later. More glasses were broken and my flat looks like something exploded in it. Plus some fucker the night before pissed on my spare duvet, which was a tad gross. Up this morning, doing KHRP stuff, then into work for the first time in a week. I so really really really don’t want to be here right now, I just need time to myself and to sort myself out. Time I can’t have because I’m not able to book any more hol
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Nothing Else Matters...
So close no matter how far Couldn’t be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don’t just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know So close no matter how far Couldn’t be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don’t just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they say Never cared for games they play Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know And I know So close no matter how far Couldn’t be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are No nothing else matters
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Urghlie
It’s so early. One of the lovely things about babies is their alarm-clock like properties. Great for bleary red eyes We spent much of yesterday walking. Doing coffee. Chilling, etc. Was fun. Went on a quest for wifi hotspots that failed utterly but was fun anyway. Stopped in a coffee shop called “Hot and Cold” that seemed not to manage the cold bit too well. Was about 29°C and very humid and sticky. Went to EasyEverything to discover why my phone wasn’t working - and made it work - yay! Said hello in the chatroom to whomever was around, then fucked off again. Went to a Café where I had blue cheese in port with bread for dinner - eventually - the nice waiter man forgot us and so we got to sit in the sun for half hour until he embarrasedly came back and said “what was it you wanted again?” David had something yoghurty and stuff but I forget the name. David says “hi”. We headed home on the tram and then wandered to the supermarket to buy icecream and beer and sat in the park - in what after dark is a cruising ground - Dutch people cruise on bicycles, it’s very strange Sat about and chatted/ate icecream/lay on the grass. Got cruised by a man of about 90 - commented that he was way too old, even for James. He was the polar bear’s daddeh. Then we settled for just “daddeh” or maybe “grandpappy”. David’s dogs are even higher maintenance than he is *grin* - He has four of them, Sammy - a pappiliou dawgie, he’s teh daddeh, then teh mummeh is Milou, who is a Maltese. As is her sister Luna - and Milou and Sammy have a babbeh called Saja who is all yappy and loud. We took them for a walk at 11pmish which was lovely as it was dark - people were hanging out in the park by candlelight and it was pretty. Chatted more then slept
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Biere!
Out last night for many many tiny beers with huge heads. Saw Mariah Carey coming out of a chinese Restaurant. Half the bar ran over to take camera phone pics *titter* - David calls her “Mariah Couldn’t Carry” *smirk*. David seems to think that the Amsterdam beer is stronger than the UK beer. Which is fine - he got pissed really quickly and I didn’t. I noticed no difference
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Cruisin.....
So I’m sat on a ferry to the Hook of Holland - and not just any ferry, am sat in the Casino of a very fast dual hull ferry - wishing I’d brought more money so I could afford the lovely food that I can smell from the restaurant. I’m in Amsterdam to visit thecanadian and bring him back home. Am wishing I’d brought coffee *grin* So very tired! Up until 1am - slept badly - Had to be up for 6am to pack... Tumble dryer decided to die a bit, grr. So have a bag of soggy clothes sat in the hull. Mr Baggage checker seemed intrigued by my Libretto, “that’s very small for a laptop, I’ll have to see that” hehe. Through customs after being asked “Where are you travelling from?” “London” “Oh, were you there last Thursday?” “Er. Yes” “Where were you on Thursday morning?” “At home” “Which is where?” “Limehouse” “Oh, so East then?” “Yes” “OK, have a nice trip!” Boggle. Might as well just ask me “Are you a terrorist?” and hope I’m an honest sort... Bored already and only been on the thing half hour. Can’t really sleep - could watch Batman Begins in the onboard cinema (no really! Swish!) but am guessing it’s not free. Still, there’s an observation platform at the back if I want to peer at water moving past at high speed Might eat my sandwich in a moment - that and doze in a window seat. • 12:30: Cock... All I can see is sea. And I’ve left my Rio in my bag in the hold - hope it survives! Visibility is shite - hope we don’t run anyone over! • 15:39: Whee! Tulips! Well, there would be probably somewhere but I’ve not seen any yet. Am sat on a double decker train awaiting departure - dead groovy an stuff. Though on a minus point my phone appears not to work, which is annoying, IIRC roaming should have been enabled but hasn’t been and if it doesn’t work now I don’t think it will - which is a pain. Have to try and find David without the phone - which could be a pain depending on what Amsterdam Centraal is like and if he’s texted me directions or something I’ll have no idea. Grr. Oh well, we’ll see! It was very pretty coming in - Loads of huge wind generators spinning lazily in the sun, the mist softening the shipyard cranes into pastel shades as the light twinkled over the waves. Am doing OK considering I don’t speak the language at all, not got lost or anything So what’s gonna go wrong? *giggle*
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Fucking Vultures...
Came back after an odd day at work. Everyone seemed subdued. The tubes were empty going to work and not much fuller coming back. Worked without the usual fun atmosphere, trying not to fall asleep too much. Working tomorrow as well - get overtime for that which I need right now... Wondering if my boss has remembered I’m on holiday lol. Well, it’s in the plan anyways Looking forward to Wednesday and Amsterdam, just hoping I have enough cash for it all. Need to remember to phone the council tax people on Monday, there’s something silly going on there and I have no idea what. Grr. Life still seems strange. Felt really very weird coming back home on the top deck of a bus. Everyone nervously looking at each other...people standing downstairs rather than sitting upstairs - very strange and stuff. As the bus went past Aldgate I could see Police Do not Cross tape everywhere, film crews, and a bunch of Scientologist missionaries in bright yellow coats talking to people. Fucking vultures. Using people’s despair and anger to try and bolster the coffers of your cult is about as low as anyone can go. Roads were quite empty - bus was diverted away from Aldgate. Wonder how long it’ll be shut for? Circle, Hammersmith and City lines are totally suspended, there’s a reduced service on the District Line, the Pic is only running a small amount of trains over part of its track, Met is only running to Baker St from the West. Everyone is tense, nobody is sure this is over, it almost feels like the calm before the storm...
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News just in...
Apparently, according to mojococo (who’s up in Edinburgh with the clown army) up to 500 Muslims have been lifted from London streets today for questioning...
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www.israelnationalnews.com/news.php3?id=85346 13:30 Jul-07-05 30 Sivan 5765 Report: Israel Was Warned Ahead of First Blast Thursday, July 7, 2005 30 Sivan 5765 (IsraelNN.com) Army Radio quoting unconfirmed reliable sources reported a short time ago that Scotland Yard had intelligence warnings of the attacks a short time before they occurred. The Israeli Embassy in London was notified in advance, resulting in Finance Minister Binyamin Netanyahu remaining in his hotel room rather than make his way to the hotel adjacent to the site of the first explosion, a Liverpool Street train station, where he was to address an economic summit. At present, train and bus service in London have been suspended following the series of attacks. No terrorist organization has claimed responsibility at this time. Israeli officials stress the advanced Scotland Yard warning does not in any way indicate Israel was the target in the series of apparent terror attacks.
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Coincidence?
Rudolph W. Giuliani, former mayor of New York was having breakfast in the Liverpool St area yesterday when the bomb went off. Curious? Was he there for the Israeli finance conference too? There were apparently spelling mistakes in the passage from the Koran that was used in the claim by The Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe who claimed responsibility for yesterdays explosive fun. One thing that any Moslem would be unlikely to do is spell passages from their holy book incorrectly...
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Life is cheap for Blair.
Our policy of support for the Middle Eastern tyrants running Israel and that fool in the Whitehouse has come back to haunt us. Ordinary people pay the price, just like the ordinary Iraqis did when we decided to bomb the fuck out of a city housing millions of civillians... Nearly 40 dead and not a few tens of thousands - but we still suffer. London will go on, and the majority of Londoners will still despise those who bombed as much as they despise those who made us a target. We will prevail in the end. Conspiracy? Would this have happened if 1500 of our London police hadn’t been syphoned off to guard the 8 most powerful men in the world and their sycophants. The biggest blast happened very close to an Israeli finance conference - it was due to open 10 minutes later and was to be attended by Binyamin Netanyahu, Israel’s finance minister. Allegedly we warned Israel of an imminent attack on London minutes before it happened. Was it the French? Sulking at us winning the Olympics? I am fairly sure it’s not Al Qaeda. Then again I’m fairly sure 9/11 wasn’t Al Qaeda too... The SunMirrorStar (not sure which of the vile rags...) is insinuating that it’s Bin Laden’s fault because even if he didn’t order this, “they” knew he would have wanted this...’tards... Traces of timers have apparently been found - this suggests to me it’s a cowardly group afraid to end their own lives - Al Qaeda tend to use people, not timers. An admission appears just after the first bomb on a public Arabic website - but it is riddled with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors....Al Qaeda usually a) admit responsibility and b) explain why - they’ve done neither. Everyone I know is safe, as far as I’m aware. And for that I am thankful. But I am painfully aware that the thing that happened yesterday will be used to further Neo Labour’s right wing agenda - and as with 9/11, this catastrophe will benefit those in power. They used to say after an event that you should look to those who benefit from the event to see who caused it. I guess it’s convenient to just not look any more...
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Ancient song in
Big man, pig man Ha, ha, charade you are You well heeled big wheel Ha, ha, charade you are And when your hand is on your heart You’re nearly a good laugh Almost a joker With your head down in the pig bin Saying ‘Keep on digging’ Pig stain on your fat chin What do you hope to find Down in the pig mine? You’re nearly a laugh You’re nearly a laugh But you’re really a cry Bus stop rat bag Ha, ha, charade you are You fucked up old hag Ha, ha, charade you are You radiate cold shafts of broken glass You’re nearly a good laugh Almost worth a quick grin You like the feel of steel You’re hot stuff with a hatpin And good fun with a hand gun You’re nearly a laugh You’re nearly a laugh But you’re really a cry Hey you, Whitehouse Ha, ha, charade you are You house proud town mouse Ha, ha, charade you are You’re trying to keep our feelings off the street You’re nearly a real treat All tight lips and cold feet And do you feel abused? You got to stem the evil tide And keep it all on the inside Mary you’re nearly a treat Mary you’re nearly a treat But you’re really a cry Pink Floyd, Way before I was borneded. But not before Mary Whitehouse was borneded. *cackle* My life is interesting. So many variables. I’m considering moving away from the UK (tho probably not to Amsterdam before anyone gets strange ideas) as I’m bored of it all, pissed off with the gubmint, fed up with the work culture and annoyed at the world in general. I want to work for myself again and I don’t want to do it in London where it’s far too expensive to do anything decent. Plus I want to buy somewhere to live and that’s more than tricky in London at the moment... Oh well, will see... Am going to try and get tickets to Amsterdam tonight. I am also going to try and get the campsite in Amsterdam too I think...€8,50 a night being much better than any other rates I’ve found for anything...
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Happy birthday Tony...
...wherever you are, Mr Olsen, I hope you have a good ’un... Got pissed Friday because Gaz was late (1.5 hours!) and there was no-one else there I’m close enough to to distract me. Retro isn’t the same without having David just up the road - so I moped. Lots. Then Gaz made me Swan and I got even more drunkened. Woops! I have ferry fare. I just need somewhere very cheap to stay... Saturday and Pride. Filth, debauchary and random mad Christians made for a fun day - Was mine, Owen and Nikki’s 10th Pride - though Owen entirely missed the march - Highlight was GMFA who had big foam hands ("Give us a hand!") who waved at everyone - and then at hate corner, bent three fingers down to give the fundamentalist scary christian types the finger. Saw Gayrath and mogwai stewarding. Said hi. Went to Traf Sq where we found Owen and Jen and people. Owen met Simon there - Adam’s ex - which was a bit surreal. Afterwards we ended up in Kensington Gardens, the sweet strains of Annie Lennox, REM, Bob Geldof, et al floating to us over the trees from Hyde Park. Our crap singing man was there from last year, preserving gay history in song ("Too old to be a chicken and too young to be a dirty old man" - oh please) and I failed to eat a whole salad. Simon spent some time telling me how all men are bastards and only want to use him as a sex toy - and then wandered off and let everyone use him as a sex toy. I missed David and moped. Retro after that. Long chat with straylight about random deep stuff. Retro toilets broke so the bar had to be closed *snigger* and we all decamped to a straight bar. Eventually got home to find a message from David telling me he misses me - which was lovely and made me all fluffy Bed. Lack of sleep. Bleh. Pointless Sunday. Much buffet goodness and pub in Greenwich. Yay. Got to talk to David a bit. Still missing him Suspect I’ll keep on missing him until I make it to Amsterdam next week. Which I will if it kills me...
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Random poetical spoutings...
The oldest and wisest amongst us Admit they know nothing How can I ever hope To know you? The fastest and strongest amongst us Fly with the wind As I fly just as fast Towards the floor The world that I live in I made it. I can break it. The light in my dreams, That was you. The beauty of simplicity The meaning of life They all pale Fade out of my mind As I feel the hole you left behind
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Argh!
I just looked at my bank balance. Remind me not to ever again I don’t even know if I’ll be able to afford to visit David this month. I am *so* not happy right now
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He’s gone...
...and I feel like I just broke up with someone. Why? I think I might need to become a hermit for a time