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Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
Oops. Long time no speak
#queer meet on Saturday. Worked @ home on Friday...felt a bit better about stuff...Deev and Gaz arrived on Fri evening, Ollie as well, so there’s me an two couples...and João on MSN. Bah. Miss him lots still
Earlyish night. Not. Got up at about 9ish tho...they fucked off for the Quazar thing, Ollie left at 8:30 for a wedding, so me an Adam tidied a bit and then I went to meet fruitbat and Dunk at the Wellington...a bit late...
We sauntered up to Soho Sq where we did many silly things involving many silly things and vast amounts of alcohol. Then to Retro for EVEN MORE.
Ended up back at my flat with 7 other people somehow staying the night and sitting up until about 4am with Adam drinking. Bleh.
Felt a bit crap for most of Sunday. Removed all the gays and also Adam who was going to watch Madge, so I sat in bed ALL DAY and did BUGGER ALL except chat to people online. Confusing chat with NorthernJames - partly because he was being read as he typed and so was typing stuff to annoy the reader...bah...chatted some to Mr NrBrum24 who has reappeared on IRC after ages and ages away in the hinterlands...also played some godawful game with João as well but lost horribly and sulked. Very early night.
Many issues with VPN bits meant I didn’t get a huge amount done today - will start extra early tomorrow and try and make up some work
Played João at battle solitaire or something and won the second game. Vindication!
*smirk*
So very tired still. Need beer and or coffee and or tea and or food. Preferably all at once mixed up in a bucket with a straw.
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2 comments.
Thinking hurts.
Mikey looking pretty Toe has scab now but still dribbles and is very painful. Felt a bit better after a few hours without bandages. Chatted to JohnnyIcon on and off throughout the day. Just want to hug him lots at the moment - he’s having a pretty crap time back home
Mike came over in the evening for some more pics for his portfolio - hopped to the river more or less and did a load of outdoors pics in the typically english weather - everything from sun to torrential downpour - then back to the flat for indoors shots. 200 pics!
Was late when we got back so I put dinner on and cooked and photographed...
Ollie and Adam got back at 11ish, just in time for food they thought they’d missed - ate huge amounts of pork, then bed.
Knackered. Need to apologise to Rach for not being in yesterday. Need a holiday. Thankfully I get one next week
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Rain rain rain...fall on my shadow...
Off work today, taken it as holiday. Out last night, drinks with work people, then Retro and Karaoke for a giggle.
Toe hurty.
Still, it looks like it’s scabbing at last, and I’ve spent the day without a bandage on it which is a good thing. Had pizza. Chatted with João about random stuff. He joined freakcity as JohnnyIcon - says he might move to London, which would be cool
Still have huge amounts of horrible thoughts swirling around my head. Less so now though. Slowly think I might be getting better
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Thoughts...
Joao amazes me with his ability to make my £20 guitar sound like a real instrument 1].jpg Today I feel strong. Yesterday I felt weak. Usually this means I’m not centred and am letting other people hold sway over me. It’s a habit I have that I should stop. I am stronger than that, I’m not the victim.
I am a curious mix of hurt and happiness at the moment, and as the person that makes me happiest went home on Sunday, all I am left with is the hurt and memories - this is tricky as I have no closure from James - last time he came over, a few months ago, he told me how he missed us, but that he didn’t want to get into the same pattern again. I basically told him “me neither” but that how we were was nice for me too and that we should enjoy it and talk some. Month later he’s seeing someone else. It hurt. It hurts that he cut me out of his life, first with Jon and now this. It hurts almost too much at times. So what can I do about it. Explaining to him rationally how I felt/feel failed - he surrounds himself with only people who tell him what he wants to hear, and can’t see why I have a problem with him. He never does anything in his eyes, so how can it possibly be his fault? So I can’t talk to him about “our” problems, only my ones. Life is something that just happens to him, he can’t see his effect on others. No closure there.
Anger. I am angry with him. I get angry with him whenever I speak to him. The anger stops the hurt, but leaves me vulnerable when it fades. Sometimes it helps, but that way lies bitterness. I cannot be angry 24/7...And I do not wish to be bitter. I stopped talking to him months ago because it hurt - yet still, sometimes, when I feel vulnerable I say “hi”, just to hear his voice. And of late he usually opens with what he’s been doing with his new man. Which just hurts. I don’t tell him what I get up to, seems only polite he pay me the same compliment. Even though there’s no reason why he should, I guess. I forget that I’m talking to a broken and immature person. So what do I do?
I need to heal. I need to put him behind me. Joao has only really known me two weeks and he can see I am damaged - and it’s stupid! In Joao I’ve found someone who totally eclipses James - when I’m with him I feel happy and I don’t even think about James - but that in itself is bad. I want Joao to feel I’m with him because I want to be with him, not because he stops my hurt. I really care about Joao and I’ll be a tad annoyed if the memory of James fucks things up. So now I’m left with hard choices and a need to become whole again. Joao means a lot to me and I owe it to him to be what I can be, instead of being scared. More than that, I owe it to myself. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I do know that my life will be more interesting with me holding the reins...
In other news. The most gorgeous hotel booking site in the world went live at 00:35 this morning. Yay!
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Aww!
Spent my last day yesterday with Mr Rockstar - Wandered around Spitalfield, bought some burgers and sausages as we decided to have an impromptu barbecue...wandered back to the flat for much fluffiness. Adam was there and said hello...Ollie came along a bit later and it was all cosy. The organic burgers and sausages were immensely gorgeous. Joao played me some stuff he’d written ages ago and gave me a vague singing lesson. Watched Pi - noted how many little bits were like Requiem for a Dream - the pill taking for a start - followed it much better this time - partly due to the subtitles. Showed him some “League of Gentlemen” but it wasn’t really his humour.
Sat down with the guitar and he rearranged one of my songs rather well. Then made another out of my lyrics for something else. He played me some traditional Portuguese music and sang it and explained how he’d used it in a new song he was writing - played me some of that too...
Wandered off with him to meet Simon, the guy he’s staying with - at the Kings Arms...Bear Karaoke. Scary as fuck!
It was packed. We stayed for the most part outside - I was on soda water and Joao on bacardi and then voddie, so I got to see him a bit pissed, which was amusing. Got all sad and meloncholy towards the end as I’m going to miss him rather a lot. We left, and headed towards Soho - They wanted to get food, as did I and I was heading that way anyway so we wandered down together. They were walking off and I wanted to go to Mr Wu so I said I was going there and they decided they were hungry so they’d come too. Crap cheap food. Yay! Joao’s grasp of English went a bit as he was a bit drunk...but he was smiling lots which was very nice...Random interruption from an Indian bloke who was arguing with the Chinese people that run the place - he just kept saying over and over “But that is not my problem, it is your problem”. Over and over. With increasing volume, until he was removed. The fool! The he carried on outside as his partner laid into him as well. I think she wears the trousers in that relationship.
Said our goodbyes outside Comptons at about 11:20. Kinda sad but all fluffy too. Determined I am going to make sure we see each other some how soon...working for a company that offers its employees cheap flights and hotels has its bonuses
I have a week off for my birthday. I might see if I can spend some of it in Lisbon or something. We’ll definitely find some way of making it work out anyways, I don’t want this to just be a “holiday romance”...
He says he’s going to work on my song more and then record it for me. The arrangement he did was rather beautiful, both vocally and musically...
Phoned Owen on the way home. Chatted about pointless stuff...went to bed and slept lots
My toe is starting to look normal again. I noticed when I got undressed and then had to take an *ahem* 10 minute break to rewrap it as the bandage had come off whilst we’d been walking.
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Wah!
Sat here, couldn’t sleep - been spending more time with Joao - today is probably my last day with him, as tomorrow he’s busy and Tuesday he’ll be flying back to Lisbon. I am going to miss him a huge amount...we have such fun together, silly stuff, that kinda thing. Just walking around with him is nice...
Saw him for lunch yesterday, but didn’t get a chance to buy food so we went to Burger King at Canary Wharf and had a food fight *titter* - sat in the flat with him playing guitar and singing for me. Icon unplugged...
He worked out the piano bit to Heart’s “Alone” and then we sang it too. It’s so weird - I feel so different with him. I’m usually the one in control, but with him, he’s just so much in control, and it feels fine. He makes me feel safe - odd considering I usually feel safe on my own. I feel like if I should fall he would catch me - I don’t know if he realises that it works both ways, he seems like the kind of person who’s had to be self reliant in the past because of bad things - but I don’t know. We don’t talk about our pasts, we’re just living in the moment I think.
The site went live, without the hotels bit in it, that bit’ll probably go live Monday. My laptop has been returned, fixed. Yay me for getting Compaq to do it free out of warranty. It now has a dodgy A: drive and one speaker that doesn’t work any more, mind, so I shall be phoning them tomorrow...again...
Week and a bit until my holiday. Need to sort out stuff with Rochelle so I can work on the site. My first big PHP site. The fun
Joao bought my old phone - so I have a little spare money. I was going to pay for his lunch yesterday, but he spoiled it by giving me the money for it and then telling me now I could buy him lunch. Bah!
I might go camping to Lisbon if he wants to see me. I shall take Nikki too, as she wants to hear him sing live. As do I. My living room just isn’t enough
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+Z+Zz+Z+Zz+Z+Zz
Up until 2am....oopsie.
Went to work. Worked fucking hard. Got a couple of patches into staging. Need to get one more in there and check the images, and then we’ll be there. Launch is now Saturday morning at around 04:30. Fingers crossed!
Got out on time and met Joao at the station. Headed back to mine - he commented that it was much further than he thought...I wryly added “try this twice a week”. Cooked a high speed spaghetti bolognaise - mentioned that it wasn’t up to my usual standard - oops. Well, didn’t have time to simmer it for an hour...plus Tesco value mince...no compliments but it got eaten.
He seemed not to really want to go to Retro...he was tired, as was I - so we went for a little bit and said hello to people. Watched ref:Adam and Adam (admcg) do Sk8erbois awfully. Watched ref:William do something I don’t recall...we left after that and went to Canary Wharf...then wandered slowly back to the flat after wandering around 1 Canada Sq...I think he quite liked it - he’d not been there ever. Got back to the flat and well received bacon sarnies all round. Adam was out so sat up chatting and stuff until about 1am then went to bed. Am gonna miss him when he goes next week, he’s helped me get a few things in perspective, even if he doesn’t realise it
Probably going to help him get some better hosting and develop his own forum for his website too
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Karaoke tonight. Rar!
Still listening to Mr Rockstar’s album. Rah. Suspect ref:Adam may kill me if I don’t stop doing it loudly at home. Fruitbat and I are considering competing with gaydar by launching “oldgayfarts.net”. Think we might not earn billions doing that.
Joao told me he wishes he had me in Lisbon. That’s really sweet and made me go all smiley. I am going to miss him so much when he goes next week.
Site goes live tonight/early tomorrow morning - so am karaokeing with Joao until 11pm, then we’re going back to mine and I’m having my fingers crossed that I don’t get called into work...
Nikki may be down for karaoke tonight, with Brian. Justin (straylight) is too. Rah! Don’t yet know what I’m singing, but I want to make it a good one.
Adam was at Ollie’s last night having dinner, so got to chill out on me own. Cleaned the fridge. Washed up some. Arranged a photoshoot with Mike for next week. Got one of my loans payed off. Got annoyed with Orange. Grr. Planned world domination with fruitbat. That sorta thing
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Keep stubbing my toe. Owchie!
Had a dream on Saturday morning that I’d got back together with James and that everything in my life was OK again. Then I woke up and felt really shitty. Mentioned it to him on MSN and he just set himself to “busy” and ignored me.
Comedy headline from the Metro this morning is “Becks is the new Princess of Wales”. *snigger*
Tidied lots of kitchen yesterday and went shopping so we have food for the rest of the month. Made a gorgeous lasagne. Cheeky bastard Mr Rockstar asked if it came out of a packet. I shall feed him some of it if I see him today. Ollie and Adam seemed impressed at any rate
Lots of bits finished for KHRP’s site - need to sit down with Rochelle and plan this all somewhat, then I’m going to try and get it done in my week off.
Late for work because I spent 15 minutes looking for my keys only to find them in my shorts pocket. It’s gonna be one of *those* days...
Listening to Mr Rockstar’s album again. Still really impressed. Might send it Mr Saint’s way and see what he thinks...
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Shleeep
Went out for a drink after work - ended up being seven and a shot of tooleys. Oopsie. Went to Retro after there to witness the bar being empty on a Friday night because they were playing the Big Brother finalé live. I tittered. Bought some voddie (bad me) and some fags (bad me) and traipsed home...found Adam and we sat up until 5am chatting and drinking.
Woke up at 2pm Saturday (oops) to texts from Mr Rockstar asking what I was up to. Went to Camden with him and wandered around looking at stuff. Found leather trousers for £15 *cackle* and Adam bought me a “100% Evil” badge which I’m wearing with pride. He bought one reading “Arse” which he pinned to his arse and a couple of others...
Sat down by the river for a bit and chatted some about pointless stuff...came back to the flat and chilled for a bit. Mr Rockstar played me his album and then noticed I’d been downloading it on WinMX (embarassment!) and so let me rip it instead. So I’m sat here listening to it and it’s really very good - hugely impressed. He’s going to teach me how to use Cubase properly to record stuff which’ll be nice, as he produced his own album and the quality is very impressive. The Kate Bush cover is very cool. I shall have to copy it and mail it to me mother and see what she thinks
Adam went to dinner and me and Mr Rockstar just chilled and chatted and stuff until 11pm, then I took him to XXL where he was meeting friends and I came back home and sent ref:Owen loads of his music to listen to. He was impressed too
Found his shagdar profile and rated it “hot” and went to bed. Got up and had a message from him telling me how hot I am. *grin*
Today I need to go shopping. I managed to get the water to work again so I can clean the kitchen somewhat, but I have very little food at the moment. Bah. And it’s pretty pretty weather. I might do a little more Freakcity and I might do a little more KHRP (well, I need to)
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Late! (I am so unoriginal with titles)
Long 9-7 day yesterday. Had a meeting to discuss which front end fixes were desperate and needed to be in the build. Got the team to fix it all. Yay.
Map still fucked though. Need to fix it somehow.
Joao invited himself over to watch Requiem for a Dream. Played me Anastacia on guitar. Damn he’s good. Let him play my fretless too, and he plays it better than me. Bless - chatted lots, he took some pics of me whilst I made toast. Eventually got to sleep at about 3am. I’m gonna be so knackered by tonight!
No plans for tonight though, so I might just sleep.
My pictures are bad, apparently, and he only chatted to me because he felt sorry for me. Have put pic he took on my profile, so it’s all his fault now
Muahaha.
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Cor!
Met Joao at Covent Garden at 6ish. Wandered a bit and chatted some, went to the café in the gardens at Embankment so he could watch me eat messily, which was nice. He only took the piss a little. Grr. Still, his English was very good considering he’s only been here 4 times before. Talked lots about everything from ladyboys to hairloss. Was cool. Took him to Retro, he sang Anastacia amazingly (considering it was in the wrong key) -Sal asked if he could be his groupie - I did Bowie adequately. He told me he thought I looked cute and vulnerable on stage, which was sweet. He knows I’m shy and so made me make the first moves. Grr. I kissed him, which was cool. He’s a good kisser, and knows it. So am I but at least I don’t tell people when I snog ’em
He had to get back to his friend’s place and so I walked him back to Embankment and said goodnight. He’s over for 2 weeks and so we’re going to try and meet up again whilst he’s here...
He’s a big HR Giger fan, like me, thinks too much, has drive, his band have covered “Running Up That Hill” apparently to the approval of Kate herself...cor...I could go on a bit really...but I shan’t gush (well, any more than I am). Sex on legs about covers it
ref:Sal brought Guillermo to Retro. His ickle annoying brother. Who, much to Owen’s disgust, got cute in the last 4 years and is still straight. *titter*
Stumbled off to the Swan after, with Adam and notdan for strippers. Giggled at scary old rich man surrounded by paid for chicken. Bless. Home and then bed...2am, urg. I am so going to fall asleep at my desk...
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I mostly think my toe may burst 
Worked from home yesterday on account of feeling remarkably shit. Lumps on my feet and one on my hand have been itching like fuck since they appeared on Monday afternoon. I had to spend the afternoon in bare feet at work as it was a tad unbearable. Got home and watched TV. Shocker. Didn’t even touch a keyboard. Made stirfry chicken (with v little oil) and rice + peppers for us both and felt virtuous. Bed, no sleep, then up for bug fixing. Got a fair amount done but not everything as the server was being slow for a change. Chatted to some people online including Joao, who is in London for two weeks. Arranged to take him to Retro tonight. Is taking the lead singer of a well known Portugese rock band to do Karaoke cheating? Had a nice healthy fryup for dinner as Adam wasn’t around and another shower as this itchy thing makes me feel permanently unwashed. Might have to do a late start one day this week and get my wound checked out as my toe is still oozing and is swollen and feels it may burst. Two P2s (well, three, but one’s a dupe) to get fixed before noon. Fingers xd it doesn’t all go pearshaped...
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Early again *snigger*
Felt crappy at work Thursday evening. Vaguely sick and sweaty - Adam had been home all day throwing up, so I just figured it’d be that...Phoned James on the way home and he told me he’s been asked to work the weekend and so can’t visit. Poo. Got home and had an earlyish night, got up Friday as usual and unwrapped my toe to discover it a) hurt lots and b) was even more icky than usual. All red and puffy. Got an emergency appointment at the docs and told work I’d not be in. On antibiotics again, and it fucking hurt. Gave up working from home and took painkillers.
Felt a bit better Sat. Went to Argos with ref:Adam as we both needed haircuts and I figured it’d not cost much more than the £12 the cuts’d cost to simply buy some clippers and do ourselves. So we bought some lovely Nicky Clarke ones. The irony.
Shaved ourselves. Was a giggle.
Adam was off out with G that evening to see Lorna Luft do her “Songs my Mother Taught Me” thing. So I decided sod it, even if James isn’t here I’ll go to XXL. Chatting on slagdar for ages to a bloke called Jack - organizednoize on there - he was bored and decided to come too. He was a little worried by it all I think. Bumped into paparazzi Dan - he was on alcohol which was a bit scary. XXL have a porn wall which was amusing. Scared Jack a bit I think...
Left earlyish as I was knackered and not enjoying myself on account of my foot. Still managed to stay later than Phil, who is still sulking about not being able to drink.
Phil has a glow in the dark gash when under UV light!
Was meant to be meeting up with Chris (kingdingaling) on Sunday but his car broke and so couldn’t do that. Went to Soho for Soho Pride instead with ref:Adam. Was rubbish. Failed to get back in time for ref:Ollie so he was sat outside when we got back in. We were mean and made him wash up too
Quietly quietly we watched stuff like Hitchikers. Then bed.
I slept *really* badly...very very itchy at the moment. Think it could be heat rash. Argh.
Am almost falling asleep at my desk. Think my day might be enhanced by diet coke very shortly. Urg