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Scott’s blog
Musings on a world I am no longer sure about
I can’t think of one right now
Still the prettiest Well. Uneventful day at work, interesting stuff at lunchtime tho, had a lunch seminar (ie everyone gets dragged into a meeting for lunch, where no lunch is served so we all skive off between 1-2 to eat) on Eclipse and how to use it. It looks absoulutely amazing, I was very impressed...ok, some of the funkier bits were stuff we’d paid for, such as an UML modeller built in to the IDE that lets you edit code from within your class diagrams (dead funky!) and a really cool JSP plugin that looks to offer the same kinda functionality as Visual InterDev does for ASP...seriously rocks. I am having thoughts, way too many of them, of seeing if I can port the site to Java and use eclipse to rewrite all the bits that need it - porting to Java from JScript won’t be that hard anyways, we may run on ASP but not VBScript which is icky.
Anyway. As you’ve all fallen asleep by now...
Erm. That was about it. My first bit of work goes live soon, the Holidays Homepage, which looks dead pwetty.
Long chat to Mum tonight, Owen still has one of Andy’s vacuum cleaners and Andy was moaning about wanting to watch Liverpool on Saturday and Mum was moaning because she wants to see me for the day, and obviously I have no telly coz that’d be far too clever...so I’m taking them to Owen’s for 5pm, we’re abandoning Andy in front of the telly and me an Mum are going shopping. Or something 
Result!
Going to try and take them round Greenwich too, as it’s pretty an stuff...so should be a pretty chilled out weekend.
Been reading Bill Bryson’s “A Short History of Nearly Everything” - after a slightly shaky start it’s really quite interesting. It should probably be called “A Short History of the People Who Discovered Nearly Everything” but it’s cool, learned a few new things to forget, and have decided that scientists in the 18-1900s were even more cliquey than the average gay scene. Marvellous
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sleepy
Today was mostly deciphering some odd JSP stuff and an afternoon behind a two way mirror watching people use our prototype. Kinda chilled out, kinda fun - spesh when one of them maximised the window, was then asked if she did that on all websites she used and replied with “I like them big”. We tried not to corpse as apparently loud laughter could be heard through the soundproofing 
Drinks after was nice...had some dodgy real ale out of real pewter mugs in a place called “Davy’s bung hole” or something obscene. Don’t think any of them got the joke.
Ah well
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Same shit...different shit...
So I got to thinking, what happens to the happy happy joy joy faggots when they go home at night. The ones that live to be center of attention, the ones that love their voices... For years I’d been kept happy knowing theirs were double lives, and that when they got home and let the pretense drop, they would collapse under the immense weight of their act and cry. But what if I’m wrong and they are right? What if balance is incorrect and the right way is to just take and take and take until you can’t take any more. What of Karma? What of managing pain? Why bother if it’s all pointless? So I’ve spent the last week feeling more depressed and helpless than I have ever done before. I hurt and I don’t know what I can do about it other than just avoid anyone I care about and try not to lash out at the remaining people near me. Work was really fucking difficult today as I spent most of it so close to tears...I’m so glad that it’s my second week and that I still don’t have too much to do... Little things have been plunging me into deep stuff. Things said that I don’t know whether or not to take seriously or what. The only person I want to be with is the one person that I’m scared of talking to because of the potential for more hurt. Life just seems too much effort at the moment and all I want to do is lie in bed, curled up, and not talk to anyone again. Reckon I’m giving a stunning impression to my new bosses, wandering about all puffy eyed and unshaven but I’m really not sure what to do next. I need to get away. I think I’m going to escape to Leeds or Mank or somewhere when I get paid for a weekend or a bit longer. I have a funky Gold annual discount card thing so might as well use it. Chatted with Nav this evening some. He has a knack of distracting me from myself and making me think. Friends are good, even when I don’t want to be near any of them. Have work from KHRP to do soon, guess it shouldn’t take too long, but making myself do stuff at the moment is hard. Am going to try and have an early night tonight, but god knows if I’ll actually manage to sleep at all. Last night I just had these horrible dreams, dreams of losing someone you love, being helpless to stop it. Dreams of misplaced trust, of knowing a truth that only you know and nomatter who you tell, they won’t believe you. Dreams of a fire. Of watching loved ones burning, helpless, unable to reach for them. I know that by writing this I’ll be helping exorcise them somewhat, because all day they’ve just been going over and over in my head - I’ve not felt like this since the first time Mark “flipped” at me at Ashley’s party all those years ago and I have no idea why I feel like it now. Sure, part of it is the James thing, that hurts me a lot, but not this much? Why should it be affecting me this way? I just don’t know what to do. So I sleep lots and try and just act myself at work tomorrow. Thankfully I don’t have to be in the office all day so I’ll be able to hopefully collect my thoughts on tubes and stuff. It’s ironic that in my life I’ve thrown so many sickies and stuff that the one time when I could really do with some time out to myself, I can’t. Or maybe I am right, and it is Karma...
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Whee...my first day @ work
My office 
Having escaped the clutches of the Evil Shipping Company, I find myself once more working for a dotcom, and once more working in London. Yay on both points, I think, as this dotcom should manage to break even before imploding, for a change
Swanky offices, swank swank swank...all on one floor, with our own café in it an stuff. Rotary toast maker. Big Empty Space. Turbo Lifts. Glass and metal everywhere.
Watching the sun set over the Thames was beautiful. Watching it set over the Thames from three floors up through an entirely glass wall from my desk was exceptional. I may have to stay there until sunset every day
Big company. Groovy computer. Shit monitor with the “Windows 2000” login message burned into the screen. Suspect sneaky manager has half inched my one as she has the bottom half of the crappy Compaq combo, whereas I have a bottom half that matches her sleek and sexy flat panel.
Spose I’ll let her off, as she did choose me for the job an all...
Apparently my competition was quite mad, Swedish and covered in tattoos and they’re hoping to get him in to do some contracting in the coming months. Hope there’s no hard feelings or owt
Commute is miles better. Well, literally really, as it’s not in feckin Surrey. Rah. Lots of tube time for reading
Asked about business cards, as I was given a thing to fill in to obtain them if my manager deemed I needed them. She said she didn’t think I would need them, she didn’t have any and I’d probably not be doing anything client facing...but that I could have them if I really wanted them. I said that was fine, and that last time I had them I just handed them out to people in bars and she replied with “No then, I know the kinda bars you go to”
I think I’m gonna like it here...
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Fuck it’s cold
...and I think I’m coming down with a cold! 
Wandered about in the cold for a fair bit of today. Found a computer fair which was selling mobo&chip bargains and almost upgraded to an AthlonXP 3000+ for somewhere close to £150! But thought the better of it and behaved.
Went to Maplins instead and bought a new fan so the server’s a tad less rattly, and some soundproofing equipment for novak in the hope that it might shut up now and let me watch telly in peace. But who knows
Changed a bit of freakcity to make the “viewed x times” bit on the journal work per day, not per view over all.
Might change bits later to make the thing email you when someone adds a comment in the blog
Am very sleepy tho so might just go to bed instead like a good boy
Bought new keyboard and mouse for lazarus...it’s now all shiny and light and easy to use
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Cor.
Server! ...as my hangover slowly wears off...
Well. New year. *excitement*
Went to Owen’s for NYE, I’m sure the photos will appear soon enough - was a bit different to last year, Owen being a slapper seems to suit him as he wasn’t trying to sleep with everything that was male, for a change
Entertaining, PCs and laptops everywhere, much drink, much much much hangover...
I appear to have a server! It’s long, low and black and has a rattly fan. Am considering doing things to it to make it faster but not sure yet. Will wait for moneh first I think.
My new Oyster card arrived - in a moment of madness I thought it’d be clever to buy a year long one and save myself a bit of cash whilst I had the money. Rah.
So, the server’s being stocked up with all kinds of bits of OpenBSD and ports and then it’s going to be slapped into a datacentre somewhere and forgotten about. Well, after I get the new fan for it, that is...
Not sure if I want to think about porting FreakCity to PHP or something daft like that...might just leave it here and let the support of it be someone else’s problem
Have a bit of a sore throat. Suspect this is something to do with eating, drinking and smoking way too much over xmas. Anyways, am gonna try and stop the fags and cut down on the booze a little. Mogs was complimenting me on having lost weight, which was very sweet of him
Thinking I might try and cycle to Hammersmith in the summer. Not sure how feasible that’ll be or if I’ll be considered to be a madman for doing it or what.
Might also consider moving house out there too, if I can find somewhere cheap. Really wanna buy somewhere but not sure if I’ll be able to afford it ever
Nikki’s down, went out to the Bleak Hearse ("Hello my loves, How are we tonight..." the HORROR) and it was a bit shite really. Some Thai dragqueen ladyboy was the entertainment...we kinda just left really. Went to the Swan, which was a little better, but I was so tired I just wanted to go to bed...James came out with us and looked very impressed with it all too