Joao amazes me with his ability to make my £20 guitar sound like a real instrument 1].jpg Today I feel strong. Yesterday I felt weak. Usually this means I’m not centred and am letting other people hold sway over me. It’s a habit I have that I should stop. I am stronger than that, I’m not the victim. I am a curious mix of hurt and happiness at the moment, and as the person that makes me happiest went home on Sunday, all I am left with is the hurt and memories - this is tricky as I have no closure from James - last time he came over, a few months ago, he told me how he missed us, but that he didn’t want to get into the same pattern again. I basically told him “me neither” but that how we were was nice for me too and that we should enjoy it and talk some. Month later he’s seeing someone else. It hurt. It hurts that he cut me out of his life, first with Jon and now this. It hurts almost too much at times. So what can I do about it. Explaining to him rationally how I felt/feel failed - he surrounds himself with only people who tell him what he wants to hear, and can’t see why I have a problem with him. He never does anything in his eyes, so how can it possibly be his fault? So I can’t talk to him about “our” problems, only my ones. Life is something that just happens to him, he can’t see his effect on others. No closure there. Anger. I am angry with him. I get angry with him whenever I speak to him. The anger stops the hurt, but leaves me vulnerable when it fades. Sometimes it helps, but that way lies bitterness. I cannot be angry 24/7...And I do not wish to be bitter. I stopped talking to him months ago because it hurt - yet still, sometimes, when I feel vulnerable I say “hi”, just to hear his voice. And of late he usually opens with what he’s been doing with his new man. Which just hurts. I don’t tell him what I get up to, seems only polite he pay me the same compliment. Even though there’s no reason why he should, I guess. I forget that I’m talking to a broken and immature person. So what do I do? I need to heal. I need to put him behind me. Joao has only really known me two weeks and he can see I am damaged - and it’s stupid! In Joao I’ve found someone who totally eclipses James - when I’m with him I feel happy and I don’t even think about James - but that in itself is bad. I want Joao to feel I’m with him because I want to be with him, not because he stops my hurt. I really care about Joao and I’ll be a tad annoyed if the memory of James fucks things up. So now I’m left with hard choices and a need to become whole again. Joao means a lot to me and I owe it to him to be what I can be, instead of being scared. More than that, I owe it to myself. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I do know that my life will be more interesting with me holding the reins... In other news. The most gorgeous hotel booking site in the world went live at 00:35 this morning. Yay!