I’ve spent the past couple of says looking back over my old journal entries and it has made me think. 2004 was a bit of an eventful year for me, loosing my job at the garden centre, being unemployed, finding another job, being absolutely besotted with a member of this place, and spending time with him, which to me, at that time, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Then having some form of crush on the vilest person in the whole entire UK, who made my life hell when I said, I didn’t want to know him anymore. 2005, not much happened there, I think that the only memorable thing that happened, which I enjoyed was going to the isle of mull, I had such a wonderful time, a holiday that I will remember. I think also being able to get the chance to work in contact lenses at work has been a big step for me, made me happier for awhile, but it has started to wear off. But now, what do I do with my life? Fuck all I have very few friends; I could count them all with the digits on my left hand with a few to spare. I am not in touch with anybody; all bar one person I used to go school with, as they have all gone off to uni and are now leading there own lives, whilst i’m still stuck in shitty Northamptonshire. I spend all day with the blind people of Northampton, and the people I work with, who are not friends as much as I kid myself into believing, but in reality they are just work colleagues and I am paid to get on with them. Don’t get me wrong they are all good bunch, but would I really have got on with them in the outside world and built a relationship with them? All the people I were friendly with at work have left, Lucy for example, has moved to Ireland, she has gone to lead her own life, which upsets me, as its the 2nd time she has gone to do this now, and she is loving it. I am kicking myself and not be able to get the courage to take up chances like that. And what do I do with my life? I do fuck all, what have I achieved over the past few years, the only thing is passing my driving test, BIG FUCKING DEAL. What is that going to do to me, give me independence? It would do if I could afford to buy a car, but I fear that I would just spend my time driving around, not knowing where I am going, like with live, and ending up somewhere I don’t want to be. In an ideal world, I’d lead the perfect life, have the perfect job, the perfect partner, a place of my own, and not be stuck living with my parents because I can’t afford to move out. Again I can feel myself slipping into another one of my dark periods, where I will have no idea what I am doing, why I am alive, and what they fuck use I am on this planet. I can see it now, my body will become a mass of cuts and scars again, which I have managed mainly to avoid over the past year. Sometimes I really do think, why do I bother to do anything useful with my life, sometimes it will be easier to say, bye to it all and just go somewhere, disappear where nobody can find me, so I can rot and die.