Jordanj’s blog
Goring
Letter arrived during the week inviting me to Goring for some recuperation on the approach to Easter. Ex had a go about it being during the Easter school holiday. Beggers can’t be choosers. Not one person from work has contacted me still. *sigh* Even best friend hasn’t responded to my letter. I’m gutted to be honest. I swear I don’t know what I’ve done to make her so mad at me. I’ve spoken to Occupational Health though. The woman who’s responsible for my borough has had back trouble and operations herself so she knows what I’m going through. She’s told me I’m not allowed to come back till I’ve seen the consultant which is 14th March. I was hoping to go back 28th Feb when this certificate expires. Really annoyed about that. My physio says that normally the consultant will refer to him as to whether I should go back to work and at what level anyway. I’ve also asked her to refer me for counselling again. I’ve had some terribly low moments recently. I’m not gonna go and get anti-depressants or anything but sometimes the lack of sleep and feeling alone here gets to me.
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Someone said this once...
"By 6.30 pain in the back was pulsating as it’s never done before … so this, plus the stomach trouble combines to torture me — oh — what’s the bloody point?"
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Self-Doubt
A week ago, my ex dropped off two presents to two people at work. Neither has been in touch to say thanks. I sent that letter to my ‘best mate’ on the 1st Feb. She’s not responded. My mate, the guy who beat up his bf who I helped out by being a friend and talking to him etc? I texted him a few weeks ago and emailed him about a week ago. I know he’s online now cos he’s appearing in Red on faceparty. He’s not responded to either the text or email. In fact, since I’ve been off at the beginning of December, none of my colleagues have been in touch apart from the sergeant but she doesn’t count as she has a ‘duty of care’ handed to her by the employers. I guess I’m either a complete cunt who nobody likes, or I’m a mug who gives himself to others whenever they need help but no fucker bothers with in return. I better not die any time soon, it’ll be a fucking lonely funeral for my daughter stood there by herself.
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Going out of my head.
Am not taking painkillers any more cos I can’t be arsed. It only gets tender when I do the exercises set by the physio. I think paracetamol is likely to be enough for that. I am worried that one of the tablets is an anti-inflammatory as well as a painkiller and if I stop taking it then I’ll end up in a lot of pain cause it might flare up. We’ll see. I have an appt to see GP on Friday which was actually to go and get more painkillers funnily enough! I tried to get this appt ages ago but apparently there were no appts to be had. Well there ya go, I’d have run outta my painkillers last weekend if I hadn’t started cutting down on how often I take them. I deffo don’t have enough to last till Friday.
Had to visit my GP’s office today to collect the form for Goring that had been dropped off a week ago. Receptionist said “Yes, be ready in 2 days” Phoned Weds and they said “Sorry, not ready yet.” Ex went round there on her way home Friday and they said “Yes, it’s been put in the tray for Jordan’s doctor. He only works Mondays and Fridays so he hasn’t done it, he *might* have it done Monday.”
So, ex pops round there tonight. Doctor hasn’t signed it because *I* haven’t answered 3 questions on the form. When I went up there, these were 3 questions on HIS part of the form that he’s supposed to answer based on my notes 
Too fricken late now anyway, my team aren’t on duty till Friday again now anyway so I can’t get the form in to the right person at work till then. (I dunno who I’m supposed to give it to. I guess I could ring work and find out etc.)
Received a lovely letter from work today. My probation has (quite rightly) been extended to August. That’s fine but frankly sending me the letter in the post is shit. It should have been hand delivered. It didn’t include any details of a Federation Rep to speak to. It didn’t say whether the Federation had been consulted on the matter. No details of how to contact Welfare dept if I’m concerned about the letter or anything. The letter does invite me to contact the writer if I have any questions. Umm... no thanks love. You’re probably the last person I’d like to speak to about it.
I sent a letter to my best friend last week. Details as below:
"" Dear Best Friend,
Firstly let me start by apologising for the fact that this is a typed letter rather than a handwritten one. The reasons for this are because a) I like people to be able to read what I’ve written due to my poor handwriting and b) I can make sure that I’ve checked and re-checked what I’ve written to make certain that the content is what I really want to say.
Where to begin? I guess the best way to begin is to start with what I know… Late last year, I suddenly found it hard to get in contact with you. I remember popping into the station office at one point whilst I was on duty and giving you a hug but the warmth wasn’t there and you looked miserable. I tried texting you but never received replies to my texts. I called your house number and left voicemails on your BT 1571 service but never received any calls back. I called your mobile from my house number (on which the outgoing number is always withheld) and also from my mobile which would have shown up as a missed call from my number. I didn’t leave voicemail on your mobile because I knew you were on pay as you go and I didn’t want you to have to pay to retrieve a voicemail message from me on your mobile when I had probably left one on your 1571 service. I never heard back from you in all this time.
I have suspected that I have done something wrong. I have sent text messages to you explaining that I don’t know what I have done wrong but whatever it is, I value our friendship and don’t want to give up on our friendship. If I knew what I had done wrong, I would try and put it right or I would apologise, but I honestly don’t know what I have done. We have had disagreements